Aaahhh… yes… My very handsome son (If anybody asks, you got your looks from me)… Your momma and I are very proud of you and your sister (tell her that her own letter is coming), and we just want to let you know a few things before you enter this world… Oya open your ear!

1. Me and you momma love you a lot, but that doesn’t mean she won’t beat the heavens outta you if you fuck up… Me I will not beg for you o! Do your best to stay on her good side…

2. We forbid you from doing 3 things when you grow up: Medicine, Law and prostitution…. Anything outside these 3, you’re free to do.

3. You are to support Manchester United and the Boston Celtics… You should be good in both football and basketball (that’s if you inherited my genes)…. Plus, You are never to watch Cricket or Formula 1… Shit is fucked up, believe me.

4. You are not allowed to date until you’re 14, and you can’t bring any girl inside my mansion until you’re 17. Trust me, I’m being kind… And not just any girl o! I hope you inherit my good taste….

5. You’re going to be like a bodyguard for your younger sister… If anybody breaks her heart or makes her sad in any way, you’re gonna beat the muthafucker up, okay?

6. If I have to tell you before you wash my Benz-Maybachs every morning, you’ll be hearing from your mother….

7. Your mom is shouting into my ear…. She says I should tell you to be a good boy, not join cults and all those stuff…. All those ones na formality now… You sef no go wan use NEPA pole pound yam now….

Me & your momma want to quickly enter the bedroom… If there’s any other ish, we’ll let you know. Hope you have a safe journey into this world.

Love,
Your loving parents.

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