First off, before I start writing all the rubbish that passes through my mind, I want to take a leaf out of Esse’s book and thank everybody that has shown support or criticism of any form towards my blog. I really appreciate it. I also want to acknowledge on of the people who inspired me to get a blog… Farida, thanks for everything… *snaps fingers* Now that that’s behind me, too the business of the day.

I’ve always wondered what sort of career I would have. To be more specific, whether I was gonna be my own boss or if was gonna rush to work every morning at 8am to satisfy another person. When I hear my elder ones telling me about their bosses and how he/she treats them, I always laugh and say “No… I ain’t working for nobody mehn…. I’m gonna be a CEO…. a very wicked one”. They say it’s never early to start, so with the experiences of my friends who work and a little research, I’m drawing up my own company policy already.

1. Dress Code: I will advise them to come to work dressed according to their salary. If I see you wearing  original Prada sneakers and carrying a N59,000 Gucci Bag, I assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a salary raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress somewhere in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Also on the matter of dressing, my company shall be have a reputation for being fashion-conscious. If you are found wearing clothes that have been spotted previously at Yaba or Oshodi, your sack letter is imminent.

2. Sickness/Ill Health: I shall not accept a doctor’s statement as proof of illness. If you are able to get your ass to the doctor’s, then you be able to get your ass to my office. Shikena. On the other hand, send me a picture with you bleeding from your mouth and a knife passing through your stomach, and I’ll readily grant you sick leave.

3. Annual Leave: You shall have 104 days of leave spread through out a year. Those days are called Saturdays and Sundays. Miss work on a Monday and ahh…. Even Sango no go save you….

4. Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. I will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

5. Toilet Use: I have heard that most people run into the toilet to escape from work, so I shall devise a means to stop this. Every toilet door shall have a timer, and if you are still inside after 3 minutes, the door will fling open and a picture of you shall be taken and be places on the staff board.

6. Lunch Break: I don’t think most Nigerian companies even do this, but being the kind-hearted Alhaji that I am, I will allow some time for lunch. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Diet Coke.

So as you can see, I’m a very kind CEO…. Thank you for your loyalty to our (Me and @reehanat’s) company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input (I don’t actually know what most of these words mean) should be directed elsewhere.

Yep…. My fingers are paining me… It haff do…. Plus Ramadhan starts tomorrow… I need my energy… Later y’all!

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