Day 3

If I had N30 million…

Ah… Day 3 of our journey… I’m actually beginning to regret starting this thing…. It is hard… But Baba God dey sha… We go finish am… The idea of the post was gotten from the reality show Big Brother Amplified, where the cash prize was $200,000, which is roughly about N30 million. Seeing Karen prance about like a mad woman (not that she wasn’t mad already) when she was announced as a winner, made me actually want to go for the crappy show and win their money too… But then I wondered… if I won, what would I actually use the money for? 30 million naira is actually just pocket change to a big baller like me *adjusts Ray-Bans* ….

First off, I need a car. I have walked the streets of GRA Ikeja so much the sand particles on the road know my feet on a personal level. Haba! Na so so “Hian! Na Wana match us now now o! E never baff again today o!”… Shit is embarrassing mehn… And all these foolish girls no go wan answer person once them don see say na Leggedis Benz person dey drive…. Imma get myself a hot set of wheels wey I go dey use buga everybody… Na the koko be that.

Also, I’m gonna change schools and go study Medicine in Brazil, Mexico or Venezuela. I have absolutely no idea about the quality of the medical schools, but I have every idea about the quality of their ladies, and that knowledge alone is sufficient.  I remember an occasion in my 300 level when I went to read in the class at night. I saw a KwaraPoly student so ugly, I lost all appetite for reading.  And I had Pharmacology test the next day o… Na small remain make I carry that course… Such situations have to be avoided…

I’m also going to buy shares in Nigerian Breweries PLC… After all the Maltina my alter-ego @OluwaWanaBaba has shared on Twitter, it is only right that I do my best my improve the image of this wonderful drink, and make sure there’s a bottle of Maltina in every house… A lot of us really need someone that cares… Make person just see me for road dey tell me say “Mayowa! How far? I went to E-Centre today o…” SO? HOW E TAKE CONCERN MY PAPA? *takes deep breath* Make una know allow me vex abeg….

Ahhhh…  That reminds me… I need a girlfriend… The funny thing here is I won’t actually have to spend anything to get a girlfriend. As far as the girl don know say the money dey pocket, she sef go put pant for floor. Case settled.

There are a lot of people that have been irritating me, and now that I have enough money to fund about 5 or 6 successful assassinations, some of these people have to go. Jim Iyke, you are not safe.

I’m not a selfish person, so obviously my people sef go chop. I’ll hire a housemaid for Momsie (she don use work kee me finish for house). I’ll give my sister N50, and N20 each to all my cousins. I no try? Don’t you know what Waso can do? I should also buy a new pair of boxers for Sodiq… He’s been wearing this brown one since February…

You know what they say… “The only reason you make money is so you can make more money”… I go invest in some very lucrative business, like developing a Twitter client, making amala-flavoured condoms and processing Ijebu garri…

I don’t think it would be right not to give a little money to a just cause, so I’m gonna donate money to the betterment of some people’s lives. I will buy something called “Life” for some people, Mazi Oracle and our favorite 17 year-old whore, included. For our dear Mazi, I will give him some money to start his own shoemaker business and have something better to do with his life. I will also buy JAMB form for our 17 year-old, so she can enter University and focus her time on something else.  I doubt that she’ll pass JAMB though, so I’m gonna have to spend extra money to runs her admission into Unilag (I don’t think any other University would be willing to admit such a creature).

Maka why… I just dey joke ni o… Why I go spend money like this? When no be say I get Oracle syndrome… I’ll actually donate most of the money to the building of a mosque or some other religious action (anybody wey yimu, your nose go ganpa like that ni)… I know that’s what most normal people say, but as most of you will have figured out over the past two days, I am not normal.

Lest I forget, much thanks to @Kemmiiii, @DeoluBubble and @ibetapassmynebo… Ibeta, no worry if money remain I go buy Mikano for you so you go fit commot the Tiger levels where you dey…

I think it’s time I put a wrap on this post… Hunger don dey catch me… *enters Maybach* *starts car* *engine knocks* *comes down and walks off into the sunset*

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