Day 8

Random 12.0….

My people! Good morning! A week has gone since I began what has to be my worst decision in a long while… 3 more weeks and my misery is over! And you all can get back to your boring lives and I can get back to posting 1 boring post every 2 weeks. Awww… See @Terdoh crying because I said I would post only once in 2 weeks… Don’t worry… If better thing dey we go post…

Before I start today’s post, I want to rant a little. *picks microphone* If you are on my BBM and you are unhappy that I am sending you messages every morning, you have two choices: Delete me or go and plank on an electric fence. I did not force you to add me or send me your pin. Your father was not among the Co-operative Society that contributed to the purchase of my phone, so you are not obliged in any way to keep me as a contact. Neither was your mother working in the shop where the phone was bought, and as such you have no business with what I send with my phone…. And yes, I do not care if we have been friends from childhood or if you have abnormally large mammary glands: Say crap and I swear I will delete you faster than Usain Bolt can cover 5 meters. *Drops microphone* *continues typing*

Today’s post: Some random facts about me.

1. I have a stutter. This was one of the things that made my 6 years in F.G.C. Ijanikin one of the worst periods of my life. It used to be crazy bad then, but I’ve started to get control it now sha… It’s now shows only when I’m talking carefreely, arguing about something (usually football) and when I’m extremely angry (rarely happens though).

2. I don’t eat fish. Or I’ve stopped eating fish (This is not because of a certain very dumb rude famzer). I used to “mass” fish in secondary school (I used to eat virtually anything back then in school… Hunger was mad), but when I entered Unilorin, I developed sort of an allergy to it. I vomited about 3 different times after eating fish, and I stopped. I stopped eating fish altogether, but after some months, I started eating canned fish. I might have to stop though, as they have turned one can of Sardines to N250. N250!!! Imagine!!! N250 will pay for 4 meals in Buka 5! *deep sigh* Money cannot waste!

3. I can (and will) never ever ever ever ever watch Cricket, Baseball and Golf. These are, in my opinion, the dumbest sports ever thought about by the human race. Why I would use my sexy yansh to sit down, now use to my hand to carry the remote and tune it to a channel where they are showing a bunch of men throw balls at themselves and swing sticks and bats like drunken beasts is totally beyond me. I attribute it partly to the fact that I don’t understand the sport, and I would rather study Mazi’s life-style than learn what the crappy sports are all about.

4. Every educational institution I’ve attended has been government-owned. I really do not see why parents send their children to private schools… Totally beats me… The sum of all my tuition fees from Nursery 1 to my final year at Unilorin is not up to N500,000. In fact it is way below this amount. And I hear school fees in Babcock per session is about this same amount… People get money waste sha…

5. I have had a crush on Demi Lovato since I saw the first part of Camp Rock. I think I even dreamt of her once. If there was one celebrity I could sell my Unilorin certificate for, it would be Ms. Lovato. She’s pretty, funny and she can sing! I can’t count the number of times I’ve read her Wikipedia page… Ahhh… Demi, these are for you :* :* :* :* :*….. @kemmiiii Don’t be jealous o… You know you’re my number 1 na….

6. I have never been involved an auto-accident before… Baba God I dey see your hand o… Dey protect me dey go abeg… The closest I have come to such a to such a tragedy is when an Okada ran into me, my sister and aunt when we were crossing the road once… All I got was a scratched knee.

7. My closest shave with death though, was back in my secondary school when a ceiling fan bored a hole into my head. How did it happen? Short story time. @Segun_ go and sit at the back. You have extra-large ears so you’ll be able to hear very well.

Ehn ehn…. Where was I… Yes.. I was in JSS3 when the accident occurred… We had just resumed after a mid-term break and our Social Studies teacher gave us an assignment: Draw a map of Africa and point out some particular land-marks… My roommates and I were all doing it in the hostel, and then I went out to fetch water. When I came back, I found out that they were stuck. Nobody could find Mt. Muchinga. I dropped the bucket of water and joined the search. In less than a minute, I had found Mt. Muchinga. Elated at having found what others couldn’t, I jumped on the bed above mine, Deji Adeoba’s (@AdeobaDj3) bed, and started chanting “Muchinga eh eh, Muchinga!” Next thing I know, I’m on my knees, my house-wear is soaked with blood, and everybody is staring at me. They take to the sick bay, and the rest, as they say, is history.

8. I have always wanted to be a doctor for as long as I can remember. More specifically, a neuro-surgeon. Since my senior secondary school days, I have always been fascinated with the brain, or lack of it, in people. I always wanted to know how it functioned, and why people did the stuff they did. Like why someone like Jim Iyke would carry their legs and go to the studio and say they want to rap. Just totally beats me…

9. I’m a Bread addict. Choi… I can eat Bread for Africa and I will win Gold. I eat an abnormally high amount of bread. So tey, if I dey chop noodles, I dey chop am with bread (The shit is sweet though!). Throughout my second semester in 100 level, I can accurately say 98% of my breakfasts had bread in them… Bread & Butter, Bread & Akara, Bread & Moi-moi….  I visit Mama’s Bakery in Barcelos virtually every day on top this same issue… And I love it!

10. I don’t drink, smoke nor weed. Shit just totally irritates me.  I’m okay with a guy that does, but a girl? Come on!  Instant turn-off. Apart from the fact that these stuffs aren’t healthy, their after-effects are also annoying. Was chilling with some friends at a bar once, and this fine girl walked in. If not for the fact that this girl ordered 2 bottles of Big Stout, I for don set P that night…

11. I find it difficult showing emotions. I might actually feel terribly sad about something deep inside, like when my grandmother died, but the tears and wailing never surface. On the other hand, I might actually like a girl, but I find it hard actually expressing it. Plus I extremely hate PDAs (Public Displays of Affection, @yemijohnson don’t ask me any question again o). I attribute this to the fact that Adolf Hitler’s blood runs in my veins… Yes, he’s my father…

12.  I have a British accent. I used to watch a lot of British films and some British series, so I easily caught on the accent. Jason Statham is one of my favorite actors, and I love and regularly mimic his accent. It has come in handy though, as most Nigerians tend to pay extra attention to anyone that can form “phonee”…  Very dumb people.

Yep! I think I’m done with this one…. 12 random facts about me are enough…. Anybody that wants to know more about me can send their questions along with an essay titled “Why you should answer my question.” Not less than 800 words.

That’s it for today y’all…. See your ugly faces once again tomorrow….. Oh.. One more thing…

Esse (@TheFakeEsse), Will you be my girlfriend?