Good morning y’all. It’s a new day, a new week, and a new opportunity for me to express my stupidity.

I have decided to end any affiliations (@Rinolee can you pronounce this word?) I have with @TheFakeEsse, as she is no longer needed. I was ordered by my Babalawo to bring the heart and toe-nails of a fine girl before the anniversary of 9-11, but the time has passed and my sacrifice has become void.

Since it is obvious that I’m a Gbagaun Addict, I really need an Editor. Or on the other hand, I’ll just keep writing my shit myself and give Gbagaun hunters like @Terdoh and @Obi_jay something to be happy about. It pains me though, as all these people will start thinking I’m related to Patience Jonathan… It really hurts…

I really appreciate everybody that has help in publicizing this weird space. So much traffic on my blog of recent… @UnilagOlodo gave me the idea of monetizing my blog, so now I’m contemplating the idea of creating an advert space here. If I do create one though, it will only be to publicize things that will benefit the human race, such as Ugwu-flavored condoms (What is it with me and flavored condoms?) and the urgent need to eradicate the threat that is Mazi Oracle.

In accordance with my policy of now posting only short posts and posting write-ups with minimal amount of humor, I’ll get down to today’s post.

Today’s post is about my turn-ons. The things I see in people (girls to be precise) that attract me to (or repels me from) them. I can see plenty girls paying extra attention… Issokay… Without much ado, let’s get down to business.

1. Brains: This is the most important factor I consider before making friends with anybody. I cannot allow myself to be associated with dumb people (@Segun_ being a very rare exception). As the famous saying goes, “Show me your friends and I will show you who you are” or something like that sha (I’ve never been one for quotes). Bottom-line is, if you’re stupid, we’re enemies (Now you know why I dislike Mazi).

If it’s a girl, the hatred deepens even more. I cannot stand a girl who has more air in her head than there is in the atmosphere. I automatically hate such a girl. But when a girl proves to intelligent and wise, that’s an instant turn-on for me. Reminds me of a tweet I saw on the YNaija Twitter Round-up. A Warri girl who got pregnant was asked by her parents who was responsible for the pregnancy. Her response? “How Una want make I take sabi? If person chop beans, person fit sabi which seed make am mess?” Wisdom of the highest order. If I was at the place where this happened, I swear I will have proposed to the girl on the spot. Such wisdom cannot be over-looked…

2. Looks: This also cannot be over-emphasized. Not just the person’s natural looks, but dressing and carriage as well. Birds of the same feather chop bread together (Or isn’t that how it is said?), so you can’t expect a fresh fine boy like me to roll with ugly people.

Back in Secondary school, I was taught in Yoruba class that human beings were created by Orunmila, who molded clay and put it in the oven which then turned into human beings. Assuming this story is true, then Orunmila had serious beef with some people. Some people are way too ugly to have occured without Orunmila having done something extra to worsen their looks, like a particular person referred to as “Nature’s Gbagaun” who Orunmila obviously left in the oven for at least 17 days… Wicked demi-god…

I also take the way people dress highly into account. I don’t really think a guy needs a high sense of fashion (shirt and jeans is all we need), but a girl has to know how to dress, and do it with swag. This is one of the reasons why I admire Haneefah (@ms_hanie) so much. If you think a muslim girl cannot wear an hijab and still look super-good, then you really need to meet her (Haneefah you do realize you have to pay for this advert, right?).

On the other hand, It pains me when I see a girl who doesn’t know how to dress. There was a day when I went to Unilag and I almost cried for the fashion state of the Nigerian youth. Why wear body-hugging out-fits when you know you have a chronic case of truncal obesity? Why wear jeggings (or leggings or keggings or whatever that shit is called) when you know they could auction the yams at the back of your leg for N2,750? Why wear short mini-skirts when you know the sight of your horrible legs is enough to make Mazi sit down and think about his life? It just doesn’t make sense, and it hurts my heart.

3. Attitude: This is the mainly the person’s personality. How the person reacts in certain situations. The person’s sense of humor. How the person acts in public. @Rinolee and I were in a Buka in P.S. once and he told me he was getting turned on by the way a girl in the corner was eating beans. Said he really liked the angle at which she put the spoon into her mouth and the ways the seed of beans fell into her mouth… Yes, I have weird friends…

I cannot be friends with a boring person, not to talk of even date one. I think it’s to say that at least 90% of the people on Oke-Oyi will miss me… Yeah, I’m cool like that… *pops collar*… It’s just the natural me, and anybody that’s gonna be friends or more with me has to be exactly like me or at least to an acceptable extent. My best friend Omua, (@strawberry2093) is as close to a crazy person as I have ever seen… (Was supposed to do a piece on her sef but I don’t trust @Terdoh…). When we first got talking and I asked how she got her abnormal sense of humor, she said she used to drink lots of Soya milk when she was young… Very crazy child…

A person’s confidence also falls under this category. I hate shy people. I hate it when people seem afraid to express how they feel. There’s this friend of mine, a girl I had known since I was 9 who told me earlier this year for the first time that she had a crush on me. I asked her why she didn’t tell me since, and she said she was shy and was hoping I’d walk up to her first. Instant buzz-kill.

There a lot of things I look out for in people (girls), but these are the basics. Secondary ones include ability to pound yam, speed of washing clothes, and quality of spoken English (I’m the only person legally allowed to gbagaun. For everyone else is a crime).

I’m beginning to ramble, and thus I must end today’s post. One thing I’ve noticed is that most of the topics in my list are mainly centered on myself, and given the number of people that read my blog and to prevent vital information from entering the wrong hands (plus nobody wants to read about boring me 😦 ). In light of this, I’m gonna remove some topics. Anybody with suggestions on any new topic or idea for a story for me to write on is highly welcome.

Till tomorrow y’all! Peace!