I am not mad. I am not mad. I am not mad. Good morning.
Wondering why I made that declaration? Virtually every comment on my blog is on the issue of my level of sanity, and it hurts. I mean, I’m normal! I’m just like everyone of you here! Well, not everyone. (@Rinolee I would rather fry Odina’s pants with groundnut oil and eat them than be like you). But still, I am sane. And my desire to prove it is among the factors that spawned today’s post.
After reading the comments on yesterday’s posts, I think it’s safe to say that story deserves a Part 2, eh? I have to admit, my head was swelling when I read them… Ada (@SlimSiren) was actually windecking because of me… I wanted to tell her I only do akpako, but I just decided to let her have her fun… But shey you don hear, Ada? Next time na Bumper to Bumper o.
Yes… Just for the sake of pointing it out, the anus-licking Terdoh in yesterday’s post has no connection with the legendary blogger, @Terdoh. I just used the name… But since Terdoh has decided to put my love for gbagauns on the international scene, I think the blog Wars are near… *in Adolf Hitler’s voice* You won’t take me alive…
On to today’s post… The perfectly normal things that go on in my perfectly normal head… Here goes…
*Gate opens* *Car drives out* *Gate closes*
Mayowa: Momsie has gone out! Boys where una dey?
Doggito: Ogbeni! Stop shouted in the morning jor! Don’t you know people are still slepting ni? You will just be mading noise anyhow… Mscheew…
Wana & Vin: Early Morning Gbagaun!!!!!
Wana: But Doggito, why you like to dey embarass boys na? If you can’t speak good English like we do, speak Pidgin. If Pidgin is hard, speak Yoruba. If Yoruba is still hard for you, then use hand symbols. At least, you can’t gbagaun in hand symbols, abi Mayowa is it possible?
Mayowa: No think am o! With Doggito, anything is possible… Person wey dey sleep-talk still dey gbagaun…
AK: Salam Alaykum.
Vin, Wana & Mayowa: Wa alaykum Salam.
Vin: Alfa don show! AK how na?
AK: I’m very fine, thank you. Why didn’t Doggito respond to my greeting?
Wana: Him dey vex say boys gbagaun am…
Mayowa: Enough chit-chat. I am hungry abeg. Wetin make we chop this morning?
Vin: Why you foolish like this? Obviously Bread has to be there. The question was Bread and what?
Doggito: Oh… I did not knew now…
AK: *stifles laughter* My dear Doggito, you have to improve your English… Imagine how people would feel about me if they knew we lived in the same head… It is bad for business…
Mayowa: As in… He’s already beginning to infect Wana sef… There are now so many gbagauns in his blog…
Wana: Eeeeeehhhhh! Oga olopa, stop shebe!!! My English is perfect! All those typos were mistakes because I’m a fast typer!
Vin: *rolling on the floor* This is a nuclear gbagaun!!!
AK: Boys, it is enough. We have to eat. I really need my energy… I have a lot of things I want to do today… And Mayowa, don’t ask as it’s not your business.
Mayowa: Shuo? I dey do aproko ni? I tire for u o… So it is bad to show care and concern?
Vin: I wonder how I survive with you guys… All you do is argue… Anyways, I’m horny…
Wana: *shaking his head* No wonder they named you Vin… Diesel must be your best friend…
Mayowa: I’m hungry!!!
Vin: I’m horny!!!
Doggito: See this two idiots… Must you people shouted at every opportunity?
Wana: *talks to himself* One more gbagaun and I’m leaving this nightmare… Just one more gbagaun…
AK: As the eldest and most responsible being here, I’ll decide what we’re going to do. First off, Let’s go to Barcelos and get some Bread. Mayowa, car keys please.
Doggito: Why do you want the car keys? Do you know how to drove ni?
Wana: That’s it. I’m done with y’all. I refuse to cohabit with mad men and illiterates. Today is my last day here.
Mayowa: If you like go and live in the head of Mazi Oracle, na dumb, jobless and utterly sadistic people like you kuku full there. Sha hurry up and publish today’s post, and let’s go get Bread abeg. I’m starving!
Wana: Shit! I totally forgot!!! Let me quickly post o… You know there are a lot of people that cannot get their day started without reading my blog… I had over 900 comments on yesterday post… It’s not easy being a celeb…
Doggito: Stop it! Why do you like liaring so much?
Vin: Doggito Baba! I dey feel you… Just dey carry go… Can we please go and buy the bread? I’m getting hungry, plus I’m still horny!
Wana: Posted! Let’s move!
AK: So, anybody with plans for today?
Vin: Let’s go girl-hunting at E-Centre!!!
Mayowa: *whispers to Wana* Like say him fit follow woman talk… No be him wan shit for body the day that fine girl dey follow us talk?
Wana: *bursts out laughing* Na the idiot o! Na ordinary “Wassup” wey the girl talk o, and him brain don run commot… Fucking wimp…
AK: Boys, boys. I do not like the idea of bullying. Cut it out.
Vin: Just free them o… Wana, your time dey come… You like to dey feel like champion ba? I go titrate you…
Wana: Sit down somewhere jor… Egbon AK, I have some ideas for some blog post I want to put down o…
Mayowa: I want to go and play video games.
Doggito: I has many dirty clothes, so I want to quickly washer some of them.
Mayowa: Baba Doggy, we would appreciate if you pitied our ear-drums, and consulted a dictionary before you spoke to us.
AK: Since nobody has come up with any time-worthy activity… I guess we’ll just sit down and talk… Well all of us talk and Doggy does hand symbols…
Vin: *laughs* See who said we should not bully… Anyways it’s cool… I’m still horny though…
AK: So, what do y’all want to be in future?
Wana: A baker.
Mayowa: A baker
Vin: A porn-star and a Baker *everyone stares at him* What?! I like sex! Leave me alone!!
Doggito: Me I want to be a Breader… Yes nau… Someone that makes bread…
Wana: *kneels on the ground* God, save me.
Mayowa & AK: Amen!!!!
Doggito: All of you are really annoyance me… It has not fair the way all of you treat… I think it’s time I wented away from this place….
Vin: Doggy Baba! No vex nau… You know I love you nah… No homo though… I only do girls… Well and diesel… And Vaseline… And Okro… And Ugwu leaves… And…
AK: Enough! I have had enough of all this madness! I’m out of this place… But before we disperse, we must sing our Anthem, DJ Khaled’s I’m On One (Bread Remix)
Mayowa: Oya everybody, take the chorus!
All: “All I care about is my Bread, and the bakery that makes it. I’ma eat it till I’m full, I’ma eat it till it’s gone. I don’t really give a Fuck and my excuse is that I’m hungry. And the hunger’s getting worse so don’t delay me ’cause I’m on Bread…Fuck it I’m on Bread… I said I’m on Bread.. Fuck it I’m on Bread…”
Doggito: Two different ways to eat that bread, could be with butter or be with egg… No matter how you mix that shit, your stomach’s gonna be grateful, cause I’m on Bread… Fuck it I’m one bread..
All: Doggy baba!!!!!
I think I’ve shown you enough proof that I’m normal… Time to go back to bed… Tomorrow’s the middle of the month, so I’m not posting tomorrow. I no be machine abeg. And I still need guest writers!
*in Doggito’s voice* Saw you all agains tomorrow!