Eyin t’emi! Good morning! How we dey? Like play like play, we haff reach Day 20… Who would have thunk it? Ten more days and I’m through with all your asses….
I’ve written 19 posts already in the last 19 days, and as you would expect from a non-writer, my head is empty. As in there’s nothing there. Empty. Zilch. Nada. When I was about to start these series, Kemmiiii suggested that I write this post and so I have done. Got a tip from exschoolnerd, who’s wrote an almost similar piece once. Laide, I will send you a complimentary hamper containing pomo-flavoured condoms, today’s edition of Complete Sports and one of Drake’s boxers… That’s cool with you?
So, now that we have given honor (and condoms 😀 ) to whom it is due, let’s move on to the day’s business. Remember my children, Amir and Farida? I decided to say hi to them sha… They were really missing me… So I sent a letter to them… Today’s post is another serious post (I’m talking about my children here… No jokes.)
*Angelic messenger arrives*
Angel: Message for Amir and Farida George!
Amir: From who?
Angel: Your future father.
Farida: Yaaaay! Wait first o. What’s the address the letter came from?
Angel: *squints* Greystone Mansion. Beverly Hills, CA.
Amir: *yells* ‘Rida I told you! Our paale go be big guy! Ballin’ without a budget!! Ogbeni Angel, How many private jets does he own?
Angel: Last time I checked, 6.
Farida: *frowns* Awwww…. Just 6? Will it be enough?
Angel: *rolls eyes* 6 no go do una? Haba!
Amir: Eeeeh! It haff do… Where’s the letter? *grabs letter from Angel and scans it* Shuo! Popsie’s handwriting is fine! Wa shere! *reads letter*
“My dear future kids,
How are you? How is heaven and everybody else there? I haven’t seen you guys yet, and me and your mama can’t wait to hold you in our arms. The both of you are supposed to look good, given how amazingly good-looking your mum and I are. I have fears for Amir though, as most of the Amirs I know are ugly. As in very ugly. As in extremely ugly. As in humongously ugly.
I was listening to a song sang by a close friend, To My Unborn Child by 2Pac. I remember being in the studio when 2Pace was recording this track, and feeling very sad as I heard him pour his heart to his unborn child “if he didn’t make it”, and as you will know later in your General Studies class, he didn’t make it. So, I wanted y’all to have some guidelines on how to live a happy and fun life, in case you don’t meet me. This is highly unlikely though as I have world-class bodyguards, an excellent medical staff and a Babalawo from Cote d’Ivoire (the exact Babalawo Drogba used)…”
Amir: For real? The Babalawo that ended Shevchenko, Pizarro, Quaresma, Anelka, Crespo, Mutu and Kezman’s footballing career works for Popsie… I dey feel this guy!
Farida: *grabs letter and continues reading*
“… For the world you are coming to is a very wicked one, one so evil and harsh, that you have to be at your best to survive in it. I would hate to see you struggle in life, so I am giving you these guidelines on how to live a wonderful life on Earth.
1. There’s always somebody watching: Never ever think that Big Daddy upstairs can’t see you, even for one second. He always sees and never forgets. And in the hotels, there are cameras everywhere. You know what that means, Amir. No Elevator sex… Shit is wonderful though… Please never forget this…
2. Live, Laugh, Never Love: I call them the 3 L’s for Living a Long Life. First of all, there is a very big difference between Living and Existing. So many people just exist on the Earth without a purpose and they live highly unfulfilled lives. I want you to enjoy life. Travel. Party Hard (Farida, you are never to see the 4 walls of a Club). Make millions of money 9am, spend it all by 10am, and make another set by 11am. Flex. Ball. Enjoy yourselves.
Life is harder when you’re a boring stuck-up idiot like @Saheedt, so I would advise that you ask the Angel where you can get a mad sense of humor, because trust me, you’ll need it. So many things will happen to you, that you’ll just have to laugh and wave away. Things that might turn out badly if you take a serious approach to ’em. And as they say, laughter is the best medicine. It doesn’t cure AIDS though, and I’m still not sure if it cures stupidity. Mazi Oracle has refused to allow us use him as a test subject.
Never love. Never love. Never love. Never love. Never love… No matter how many times I write this, I can’t over-emphasize how important this is. Love is a bitch, a thin poverty-ridden bitch that was brought up in the slums of Somolu and now the only thing she know is wickedness. Never fall in love if you can avoid it. People change, faster than it takes me to finish a loaf of bread (which ia about 0.532 milli seconds). Never think you know anybody totally. Never fall for the “I love you” line. Please.
3. Never trust: As I have just finished telling you, people change. But my youngins’, not just in love. At work, home, everywhere. Never think that someone else has your back. Because you’ll get burned. And bad.
Also, In case you ever travel back to Nigeria, never trust NEPA or PHCN or IDIOTS or whatever they are called these days. If you dey play Master League, save after every match. If you have somewhere to go in 3 days time, and there is light that day, Iron immediately.
And to Amir, never trust a girl that likes Ugwu soup. I do not want to explain why, just trust me.
4. Family: This would be the second if I had arranged this in order of importance. Never break the ties of kinship. You should be each other’s best friend. Understand each other and get along fine. Farida, if a girl breaks you brother’s heart, seduce her father and make him sell their house for you, then donate the money to charity. Amir, if anybody harasses your sister, beat that nigga to a pulp, to a fucking stupor. Beat him till he’s singing Terry G’s Free Madness in Latin.
5. If the social networking site Twitter still exists when you grow up, I implore you, never use the words “Oracle” or “Barbie” in your handles. People will automatically think you belong to a line of extremely foolish old men and dirty, smelling-like-ojota-gutter type prostitutes.
Amir: Eeeeewww… That’s nasty mehn…
6. No dulling. This is extremely important. I will show you our family bible when you come. The 4th commandment there says “Thou Shall Not Dull.” Amir, if by age 17, you haven’t started bringing girls home, I shall take it as a fact that you are dulling. And I will axe you. Literally and not wizkidically. Farida, be a sharp girl, but don’t over do it o. Don’t try and scam one Ibadan politician o… Those niggas are heartless…
7. Literacy: I cannot over-emphasize how important this is. Go to school. Read. Learn. Get that confidence you earn from knowing how to speak confidently. Reminds me of one of my friends, a boy named Segun. He wanted to ask a girl out, but was so scared he said “The Loving I has for you are so Many, please be my….” The girl didn’t even allow him finish and started howling in laughter… Segun is still scarred by that incident.
My dear children, as you come into the world, you shall learn many more things, and I hope I shall be there to teach them to you.
Love from Your father,
President Wana George,
President of the United Nations of West Africa.
Farida: Awwww…. Love you much daddy! I promise to never disappoint you!
Amir: Me too, sir! But Elevator sex, mehn… Daddy we have talk when I come o!
Yeah… I think I managed to post another serious post again today… Guest writers o!
Till we meet again tomorrow, peace!
P.S. Tomorrow is my girlfriend’s birthday. She’s even decided to guest-write on my blog for her birthday. Meaning I’ll be locking tomorrow’s post. No baiday gift, no reading!