Good morning, people!

The last Saturday in the wonderful month of September… Day 24 of our Challenge… 6 more days to go…

Yesterday’s post was arguably the best post throughout this past month, and for that reason, This will be my last post *insert dramatic theme song with an L* I’ve noticed that there are so, so many good writers, as @Qghaz effectively demonstrated yesterday (I’m not a writer, so I can’t compare myself to them), so for the next 5 days, it’s going to be only guest-articles. That is, if someone actually gives me a write-up, that is… Terdoh, you owe me a post, right?

Sadly, there was no guest-article this morning, and I’m feeling extra-depressed (I don’t know what made me read Kelvin’s Encore again), so I decided to write a drama. A play. Whatever. I sha wrote something sha. I was actually supposed to co-write this with Esse, but since she’s in Canada doing what Canadian do… *drops mic* *walks off stage*
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4:00 pm, Terdoh S. A., (Ph.D)’s Office.

Dr. Terdoh: Good afternoon, Mr. & Mrs. George. I can see that you have decided to keep to the appointment. How are we today?

Wana George: I’m fine thank you, Doctor.

Esse George: *in sultry voice* I’m fine… Very very fine, Doctor… *winks at Doctor*

Dr. Terdoh: Erm… Erm… *coughs*… So what brings these two love-birds to my office this afternoon?

Esse George: *raises voice* Ehn? Biko nu, Doctor. I’m not in love with the worthless man o… This… This… *points and shakes hand at Wana George*… This Bonga fish…

Wana George: Se eleyi ya were sha? Who you dey call bonga fish? Abi ko fe da fun baba nla baba e? God forbid me to be in love with this fat ugly piece of Igbo trash…

Esse George: Ehn Ehn! Na so abi? No be your fault o… When you dey beg Mazi Oracle to borrow you money use pay my bride-price you no know abi?

Dr. Terdoh: Hey now Hey now… Do calm down please… Since you two are obviously not love-birds…

Wana George: *mutters* This fat rubbish? Bird? More like love-whale…

Dr. Terdoh: *sighs* I will have none of that, please. So what brings you both here?

Esse George: This idiot went to tell my mother that he wanted a divorce, and now she wants us to come and see a Marriage Counselor, in hopes that we could salvage the relationship. There’s no chance of that happening, though.

Dr. Terdoh: Don’t say that… There’s always hope…

Wana George: *mutters* God forbid… I would rather die and share a room in hell with Odina…

Dr. Terdoh: Stop it! And who’s Odina?

Esse George: One god-forsaken, tooth-less ashewo like this that he’s in love with…

Wana George: You dey mad. Na your father go marry Odina put for house…

Dr. Terdoh: *sighs* Can you please stop bickering… Thank you… Now, Mr. George, why do you want to end this marriage?

Wana George: She… She… Humiliates me…

Dr. Terdoh: How?

Wana George: She… She… She… Enforces me…

Dr. Terdoh: I still do not understand… What do you mean?

Wana George: She… She… Beats me!

Dr. Terdoh: What? What do you mean?

Esse George: *laughs* I dey kpo-kpo am steady!

Dr. Terdoh: *stifles laughter* Wait… You mean she beats you? Physically beats you?

Wana George: Doctor! You be fool! You no see as her hand take be? Person wey be say na concentrated Akpu diet them use raise am… You blind?

Dr. Terdoh: *still laughing* So, Mrs George, why do kpo-kpo your husband?

Esse George: Don’t mind the lazy cow… He’s very stingy… Money to buy Akpu, he will not drop. Money to pay for BIS, he will not drop. Money to buy cutlass to cut my arm-pit hair, he will not drop. Why I no go beat am?

Dr. Terdoh: But Mrs George, that is not enough not reason to *pauses, laughs* enforce him. Why don’t you get a job too so that you won’t have to rely on him for all your needs?

Wana George: Tell her o! I will go to work early in the moring and come back in the night tired, then one Akpu-infested whale that spent her whole day thinking of how to make stronger Akpu will now open mouth and ask for money…

Dr. Terdoh: It’s alright… Mrs George will get a job of her own… Ma, do you have any other complaints about your husband?

Esse George: No. But because I’m working doesn’t mean he won’t drop money o… If the Akpu in our house should ever finish…

Dr. Terdoh: Don’t worry, he will supplement your income… Now, Mr. George, what complaints do you have about your wife?

Wana George: Plenty. But there are two major ones. First off, She can’t cook…

Esse George: *cuts in* Choi… See this ungrateful giraffe… Do you know how many men would die to have a wife with my collection of Akpu-making skills?

Wana George: See my point? The only thing she knows how to cook is Akpu! I can’t even bring my friends home from work, ’cause that’s all she can cook. Every meal she cooks has Akpu in it. Akpu and Butter. Akpu and Tea. Akpu and Sardines. Akpu, Akpu, Akpu!!! I’m tired!

Dr. Terdoh: Mrs George, is this true?

Esse George: *grumbles* Partially…

Dr. Terdoh: Mrs. George, it wouldn’t be fair to commit your husband to a muscle-building diet if he doesn’t want to. Please attend cooking classes on Weekends, so as to learn how to cook other basic meals.

Esse George: Ehn? Biko, Doctor… I get work do na…. I no fit dey use weekend learn how to dey fry Egg… That thing too hard na…

Dr. Terdoh: For the sake of your marriage, please try and do so. Mr. George, what’s the other complaint?

Wana George: She cheats on me.

Esse George: Before nko? When I tell you say make you dey chop Akpu so you got fit stand me for bed you no go answer. We go start to dey fuck for 10:10pm, we go finish 10:10pm. Doctor biko, why I no go cheat?

Wana George: I’m always tired after work! It’s not my fault! But that’s not why you cheat. You do it just to make me angry! You think I didn’t see you wink at the Doctor when we entered? This black, ugly, hausa man… I’m sure if it was only the two of you, you for don rape am…

Esse George: You sef know say me no dey dull now… Correct Abia girl like me… Na me teach those ABSU boys na…

Dr. Terdoh: Mrs. George, such infidelity is not good for any relationship. You have to stop all this your Odina-ish behaviours. And Mr. George, do try and last faster than a 15 year-old wanking to a Pamela Anderson nude. There are so many drugs available now to help your condition.

What the both of you actually need to do is talk. You can be a much happier couple if you want to be. Mr. George, you have a very beautiful wife that you should be proud of. Mrs. George, cut your husband some slack. Violence is not the solution.

Mr. George: True… Thank you so much, doctor.

Mrs. George: Okay… Thank you doctor *kisses Mr. George and they walk out of the office hand-in-hand*

***** Curtain Fades*****
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Ahhh…. 9:30 am… Some people go don dey cry say Wana never post this morning… It’s all good…

Till tomorrow…

Peace!

Lest I forget, *in Rihanna’s voice* Cheers to the freaking Weekend, drink Zobo to that, Yeah Yeah!

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