Good Morning!

It’s a rainy Tuesday morning, and I’m feeling exceptionally lazy. I’m really, really, really tired, and all those people that I told to write for me are just doing like chicken shit… I told Amir to come and guest-write and the fuckface told me that he “doesn’t want people to know that his written English is horrible”…. Useless friends…

It’s Day 27, and like play like play, I’m almost through with one of my most daunting tasks ever… *sighs* *stuffs bread in mouth* I’m feeling really happy this morning, and happy and tired equals brain block, so I have nothing to write. Time to rant *insert Vuldermalt’s laughter here*… Ahhh… Ibadan people…. Back to my ranting.

One day we’re going to die. And sadly, no one knows when he/she is all gonna die. But what if we knew? What if we were giving 24 hours notice before the Grim Reaper came to take us away? What if we checked our Facebook messages and we saw “Ogbeni, I dey come carry you tomorrow o… Prepare yourself o… I dey carry poison and rope come… Quickly make your choice o… I still get another package wey I want run for Oshodi… That guy don dey vex me tey tey…”

It’s always good to be prepared, so I’m making my own list of what I would do if I got that notification that I would die in 24 hours… Let’s bounce…

1. First of all, I’ll be traveling. Can anybody guess where? Nobody? Okay… I’ll be traveling to Italy! Does anybody know why? Anybody? * deep sigh*… Don’t you people read? Italy is regarded as the birth place of bread. So for that very reason, my last hours will be spent on that holy ground. I will spend time to visit the legendary bakeries that started making this epic food and look for the tomb of the great bakers and drop some flowers on the graves of these great men. I will also check out the leading bread-makers currently and make sure I eat from each of their bakeries. This is one of the most important things I have to do…

2. Have an inter-racial threesome: Ever eaten a vanilla and chocolate ice-cream at the same time? I say no more.

3. Sky-Diving: I’ve always wanted to sky-dive. To fall freely from the clouds and see tiny black men like Terdoh looking up at me in awe. Sky-diving is extremely dangerous, and as we all know, Life doesn’t have a Retweet button. At least, not yet. I’ll only be doing it because I have just hours to die, so if I die while at it, there’ll be no biggie. Besides, it’s a fun way to die. Who wouldn’t his corpse to fall from the sky?

4. I have to release a music single before I die. I just have to. I have to go into the studio, pour my heart on to the mic and kill the beat. I know it’s gonna be horrible, and most of y’all will delete it the moment you finish listening to it out of fear for your memory cards. But I do not care. I must rap!!! And no matter how bad it is sef, it can’t be as bad as Desmond Elliot’s song. Yes I have heard it, and yes, my ear drums will never forgive me… Moving on…

5. I have to kill somebody. No, not because there’s someone I hate or something (I hate you Esse, but I don’t think I want to kill you). I’m not that wicked. I just want to see how it feels. Pulling the trigger and watching the bullet tear open the person’s chest. Raising the axe and throwing it down with excessive force and watching the victim’s head fly off into the gutter. And no, this is not weird. Anybody that has read serial killer novels like the Alex Cross series by James Patterson will totally understand me. The euphoria the psychopaths in these books derive from murder is almost orgasmic, and I would like to experience the feeling.

6. Tiwa Savage: I have to do some particular things to Tiwa Savage before I die. Things extremely illegal… Things that if I should write them and Miss. Savage should read them, she’s gonna hire bodyguards… Every where she’s going… Even when she’s bathing… I wouldn’t want to throw my fave Nigerian pop star into that kind of state, so I won’t write anything.

7. I have to make a quick stop in Somalia. I have to verify personally all the stuff I’ve been hearing about that country. And to make sure all those pictures about their men looking like mop-sticks and the breasts of their women looking like over-worn Dunlop slippers were not photo-shopped. ‘Cause I find it extremely hard to believe that a whole country suffers that much… It’s just sad… Extremely sad… And it’s not like there’s no food in the world o… All those people that are buying Louis Vuitton condoms for N10,500… Don’t they know how many loaves of Barcelos bread that will buy? Of which 1 loaf can carry 17 people… Such a wonderful bread…

8. I’m gonna pray! Yes, as fearless as I may seem *insert Bruce Lee theme song here* I’m scared of Hell… I’m gonna pray to God to forgive me for all my sins… For destroying the World Trade Center (that was me), for killing M.K.O. Abiola (that was me too) and Sani Abacha (this was me too… But this was a good deed ba?). The idea of burning in a never ending fire just scares the creeps outta me…

9. Then lastly, I’ma get high. I’m gonna get some correct skunk from Sikiru (yes, the one with the Punk haircut), and get super high. When Death comes, I’ma offer him some too… And we’ll both chill at the balcony of my hotel in Italy and gist about about heaven and hell and the people there… Did any of you know Adolf Hitler is neither in heaven nor hell?… Seems he killed so much people the devil was scared of having him around… He’s somewhere in Ogbomoso now sha… When we’re through gisting, I’ll gently walk to my cupboard, pull out a photo of Terdoh I’ve kept lying face down for years, stare at his horrific face, have a heart attack and die…

*deep sigh*

It’s almost 10am… Some people are still lying down on their beds, waiting for me to post… Issorai… I’ma do that right now…

Till tomorrow, Peace!

P.S.: Who noticed that my gbagaun rate has reduced since I started typing with my phone? My english is better! *dances windeck* *breaks ankle* *cries*

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