Good Morning.

I’m so not in a good mood, thanks to @OlaToxic, @Segun_ and @TheFakeEsse. I posted “Why Does This Gym Class Heroes Guy Look Like Travie McCoy?” On Twitter. And they started laughing at me. And half of Twitter started laughing at me. Almost 100 mentions. For once, Twitter almost got to me.

How was I supposed to know though? I had never seen a Gym Class Heroes video before Stereo Hearts, and I never actually connected the voices.

Anyways, since I’m not in the mood to write anything sensible, I’m just gonna tell one of my dumb stories… Oya all of you gather round and listen…

Terdoh looked up from the novel he was reading as Amir ran into the room, shaking and sweating. Terdoh stared as the extremely short Yoruba boy panting in front of him, and pondered on what method exactly to use to address him. After a moment of deliberation, He yelled at Amir, screaming “You Bomboclat!, Haven’t I told you never to enter my room without knocking? What is the problem with you Yoruba people and orders? Can’t you just obey simple orders? What if I was with Iya Sule? Ehn?”

Amir just stared helplessly as his boss rained insult after insult on him. He knew the punishment for responding to these insults: He would sleep naked outside the mansion for a night. The first and only time he had endured this punishment was enough warning to him that he didn’t want to do it again… The mosquito-bites on his golf ball-sized scrotum still itched painfully. He waited until his boss had calmed down, and said in his calmest possible voice, “Oga… The Garri in the new tank is gone! All of it!”

Terdoh couldn’t believe his ears. All the Garri? It wasn’t possible! His source of livelihood? The only way to feed his 9 wives and 23 children? He ran out to the new tank he had just purchased to house his rising amounts of Garri, with Amir at his heels. He found the new tank upside-down with a note laying by the side. He picked up the note and read the chicken-like handwriting carefully. “Dear Terdoh. I have emptied the little amount of Garri in you new tank to show you that I am the supreme force in this business. You have been warned. Quit the Garri business, or I will end you. Love, Esse.”

Terdoh was fuming. His latest attempt to protect his Garri had been rubbished by Esse. His ex-girlfriend and now his fierce competitor in the Garri business. Terdoh crumpled the note in his hand and swore, “I’ll get you for this, Esse… Even if its the last thing I do…”

Esse laughed as the truck carrying the Garri stolen from Terdoh’s house arrived at her’s. She began to reminisce, remembering the lies Terdoh had told her to make her fall in love and get her into bed. She remembered the 17 abortions she had done, all because Terdoh didn’t want a baby then. She looked at her hands and saw the blisters and burns all from washing Terdoh’s boxers. Even though deep down she still felt something for him, she thought “And after all this, he had the guts to dump me and marry 9 Ijebu girls… We have just begun, Terdoh.”

The next morning, as Esse’s illiterate husband, Segun, drove the freshly packaged Garri to the market for sale, he was stopped by some policemen. The policemen were actually Terdoh’s men led by Amir. Amir flashed his Primary School ID card at Segun, who mistook it for a Police badge and parked by the side-walk at Amir’s orders. Segun got out and tried to speak English, failing miserably and churning out only one word at a time “Oga… Why… Say… Me… Park?” Amir collected the car keys from Segun and told him the Police needed the vehicle to pursue some criminals on the run, and that he was doing a great service to his nation and would be highly rewarded. Segun was pleased to be of help to his country and happily gave them the keys. Amir then gave him a letter to give to his wife, and Segun took it with a beaming smile. Terdoh, who was at the back all this while, was pleased with the way Amir handled it, and gave him his 7th daughter that night as a reward.

Esse was furious at the scam Terdoh had just pulled on her, and stared violently at her husband as she read the letter for the umpteenth time. The words still rang clearly in her head… “I’ve always been the better one… At sex… At FIFA 11… At Ugwu-chewing… I’ll still be the best in our Garri wars… I still love you, Esse… Come and be my 10th wife and I’ll forgive you your iniquities… Love, Terdoh.” Esse tore the letter into pieces and commanded Segun, “Ready the boys. Tonight we go to war.”

As dusk approached, Terdoh sat in front of his house, waiting patiently for Esse. He knew she hated being outsmarted and would strike back as soon as possible. His troops were in the bush and would ambush Esse and her delegation when they arrived. As he waited, he called Amir to his side and told him, “Today is the day we end this”. Amir replied, “Yes. It all ends today.”

Suddenly, Esse’s troops burst into the compound, machetes raised. At the same time, Terdoh’s men came out and a fight started. All of a sudden Segun screamed, and the fight stopped. “Tie them up!” he said, and both troops became one army and descended upon Terdoh and Esse, tying them up.

Terdoh was stunned. He did not understand why both his and Esse’s soldiers were together and tying them up. “Amir! What the bloody hell is happening? You Bomboclat! What are you trying to pull off here?” Amir laughed, and slapped Terdoh hard in the face. “Shut up there. You this extra-horny Hausa Man and your garri-eating girlfriend. I have had enough of you and as I said, it all ends now.” Terdoh, still holding his cheek, cried out. “But how, how could you betray me?” And Amir answered “Okay then, I shall explain”.

“It all started the night you sent to sleep outside naked. Esse had also sent Segun outside for drinking too much Garri and he was prowling around our house. He saw my balls and fell in love immediately. We made love that night and promised to take down the both of you. We carefully planted the idea to take the other down in each of your minds so we could reign supreme. And now, the both of you die.” Amir cocked his gun, pointed it at Esse, and fired twice.

The moment Terdoh saw Amir about to pull the trigger, he scrambled up and threw himself in front of Amir, knocking Amir over and taking the two bullets. He fell to the ground beside Esse, his hairy chest bleeding profusely. She took him in her arms and tried to stop the blood flow with her fingers, but Terdoh just smiled. He looked up to her face and told her, “I never stop loving you, Esse. I have always loved you. And so Terdoh died.

Esse looked at Amir, who was just regaining his composure, with tears and blood in her eyes. As Amir was about to pick his gun, NEPA took the light. Esse knew it would only be some minutes before the back-up generator came on, and without haste, stood up, cut the ropes that bound her feet with sheer force, landed a powerful kick on Amir’s head and took to her heels. Amir didn’t know what hit him and was dazed. When the generator came on, they spotted Esse running towards the fence and began to pursue her.

Esse noticed they were on her heels, and began to run as fast as her akpu-containing legs could carry her. She climbed the fence in one smooth movement, look backed at Amir and screamed, “I will be back!” and jumped over to the other side.

Yes… I think that was horrible enough.. I really should stick to my absurd life stories, as @yemijohnson calls them. I’m kinda horrible at this shit… Who cares though? *sips Viju milk* Yes o… Na Viju dey reign now…

Till Tomorrow, y’all!