Nope. Not the R. Kelly album.

Nope. Definitely not the condom that makes your ‘kporon’ look twice its size.

Have I started typing already? Shit! Silly me…

*grabs mic*

Good day, Otondos.

There really is a condom named Double-Up. *sighs*

You know how I love to come here and rant whenever something rantable (did I just form a word? No?) occurs in my life? Well, something rantable has occurred, and as usual, I will gist you about it in the most boring way possible. *sips Fura* *spits*.

Yes, the something rantable that happened. NYSC orientation camp.

3 weeks of what they describe as “training and character grooming for future leadership positions.”

3 weeks of what I describe as “useless, time-wasting, highly annoying, inhumanely torturing, grossly irritating and an extravagant waste of money.”

Did I make it sound worthless and annoying enough? No? I wish I had a way with words like the Alchemist or Raihanah… Oh well… Moving on…

I was posted to Adamawa state, by the NYSC board, to carry out one year of mandatory service to my country.

A whole Wana. One year in Adamawa. Even the great, big-testicled Amadioha could not force me to stay here for one here…

Adamawa. Of all the states in Nigeria. 35 possible camps, and ’twas Adamawa they could post a fresh boy like me too.

I even had no idea where Adamawa was on the map before I was posted… *sigh*

*in Camp Commandant’s voice* “Adamawa… Adamawa… Me I no like am for Adamawa…”

Getting there alone was a battle. I had no intentions of spending 28 hours on the road because I hate long journeys. The mere 4-hour journey from Lagos to Ilorin always has me whining and in a bad mood like a Mazi that hasn’t found the questions to ask for the day. I ended up taking a flight to Yola, which cost N38,000 and left the account books in red. Not the your-balance-is-low kind of red, but the ogbeni-pity-me-and-borrow-small-money-from-iya-sikirat-and-put-inside-me kind of red. *sighs* God dey… *takes off fake Ray-Bans*

Adamawa…

Adamawa’s slogan is The Land of Beauty. Whoever decided to give it this slogan was either eating fermented moi-moi or had his face in a Fulani girl’s pussy when he did, ’cause even Stevie Wonder won’t call Adamawa “beautiful” (To a blind man, all things are beautiful). One doesn’t even have to see it. One can easily feel the ugliness of the place. The whole state can be classified as one big village. Even the capital where they hype so much is not as fine as my backyard in Ikeja. *puts Ray Bans back on*

National Youth Service Corps… Now Your Suffering Continues… All na NYSC…

As useless as the program turned out to be, I learnt a lot of things. A lot of things… A loooot of things.

1. You cannot find love in 3 weeks: All the popular love stories about couple who met themselves in camp and fell in love is bullshit. Totally fermented bullshit. All the boys in camp work just like Salbutamol. They are agonists with immediate or very short time of action. Some girls even had their hearts broken within this 3 weeks sef… *sigh*

You cannot find love in 3 weeks. The closest of you can find to love within that time-span is “luff”, and that involves a significant number of plates of peppersoup… A lot.

2. The Power of 2go: I used to think that 2go users were all these razz poor blokes who couldn’t save enough money to afford a BB Pearl. I was highly mistaken. A friend of mine controlled a chick from Cameroon to come and see him in camp via 2go. I was shocked beyond words. And the girl was a big girl. The car she brought was testament to that fact. Until I hear the story of a boy who does an international parole pf a working-class chick via BBM, I’m not subscribing for BIS. I’m a now a proud member of #Team2go.

3. Cultural Exposure: I learnt a lot about the various ways members of different ethnic groups appear, think, and also react to different situations. Let me share a few with you.

A. Never mess with an Igbo girl’s yam. There was a situation in the dining hall once when a guy accidentally spilled an Igbo girl’s breakfast of yam and stew. It took 3 soldiers and my incredibly sweet mouth to calm this girl down. If not…

B. Nupe girls are heartbreakers. There was particular a Nupe girl who attempted to use my heart to play PES 12. Sadly, I gave her the control pads. Luckily for me, I woke up just in time to collect the pad from her before she dribbled my goal-keeper and scored the goal of the century. Further inquiries made me aware of the fact that I was just one of the at least 7 guys whose allowees she planned of chopping…

C. Fulani men have extremely long ‘kporons’. I still can’t remember where I first heard the word ‘kporon’ (I think it was in a BBM group), but ‘dick’ and ‘penis’ are too inadequate to describe the length of the organs that were planted in my line of sight. And oh, do they like to flaunt it. There are bathrooms with perfectly good doors, but they will still bath outside the bathrooms in public view. Fuckin’ showboaters… *wraps extremely long towel round waist*

4. The Power of ‘Mouth’: The driving force of Nigeria. The power of the ‘mouth’. If you have ‘mouth’ in Nigeria, you can move mountains. Abubakar Atiku, ex-vice president of our dear Country, had a son in my NYSC camp. Thing is, he set foot in the camp only once. He came during the second week with an escort of about 10 cars, went to the State Co-ordinator’s office, filled the necessary forms and left camp immediately. Rumor had it that he left for London immediately. *sigh* In Nigeria, once you have ‘mouth’, anything’s possible…

And me I was there for 3 whole weeks, baking in the sun and developing malignant melanoma…

*sigh*

Adamawa.

I could go on and on, but I’m beginning to have an headache. This is the first time I’m writing a blogpost on an airplane, and stressing my brain at 25,000 feet doesn’t seem like a good idea.

Anyways, I’ve had enough of Adamawa. I’ve been redeployed to Ogun state. I’m probably gonna be posted to the Nursing school in Abeokuta to teach them the secrets of Human Anatomy. And oh, will I teach them the secrets of Human Anatomy. I will make sure I take as many girls as possible on a journey of into the the annals of Human Anatomy. All you corrupt-minded bonga fishes, yes. This was definitely sexual.

I’m probably gonna be bored till January when work will resume, so you should expect to see a lot of me in these festive season… Imagine waking up in Christmas Day to see “New Post on Wana’s Playbook: How To Masturbate Properly..” Awesome innit?

I think I’ve ranted enough, so Imma get out of your brazilian hairs now.

Until I ‘third alphabet’ you again,

Wana.

Advertisements