Good morning y’all… How the go dey go? I hope the beautiful ones among us are still beautiful… And I hope the ugly ones have started saving money for plastic surgery…
No need to delay… Today’s post.
*drags out halo from under dining table* *dusts it*
Wana: Good day, my children.
Brother Larry Sushey, please give us the opening prayer…
Larry Sushey: Let us close our legs in prayer, dear brethren. I want to thank Sango for allowing these people to see a new day. The Grim Reaper might have taken them away last night, but #YouSaidNo. For that they are eternally grateful. I don’t see the need to thank you for my own life, seeing as I’m immortal and all…
*sigh* Thank you Mr. Sushey. That will be enough… *mutters under breath* He thinks he’s immortal… Bullshit… Let Rick Ross sit down on his head and see if he’ll survive it… Mschew…
Larry Sushey: You said?
Wana: Nothing o… Was just thanking Sango for the wonderful members of this shrine…
Over the next couple of centuries, we’re going to be analyzing the 7 deadly sins, as described by the Catholic Church. Does anybody know what these seven sins are? Amir?
@Rinolee: *looks up quickly* Ehn? Oh… Manchester United, Manchester City, Arsenal, Liverpool, Chelsea, Tottenham & Newcastle United. *shines teeth*
Wana: *sigh* Very good. So today, we’ll be starting with Lust. Can anyone define Lust?
Raihanah: Lust is an emotional force that is directly associated with the thinking or fantasizing about one’s desire, usually in a sexual way.
Wana: Did anyone understand that?
Terdoh: I can help. Lust is Konji. Konji is Lust. Finish. *sits down feeling like a boss*
Wana: Shut up. Lust is not just craving. If you crave for your wife, is that a sin? Lust is an extreme desire for something that is illegal and bad for you.
Lust is most cases is usually sexual, but in some cases might be for other things like power, as was the case of Moammar Gadhaffi… Or Gaddafi… Or Qadafi… Anyone sha…
Sirkastiq: *passes handkerchief to a sobbing Larry Sushey*
Wana: As I was saying… Lust can be summarized as an abnormal craving for something. Focusing now on the sexual part (Don’t ask me why), has anybody ever felt lust? Ever seen that fine girl on the road and feel a stirring in your loins? Ever seen a fine boy and the next image that comes to your mind is a Vitafoam mattress?
@TheFakeEsse: Ahhh… I can totally relate to this… I felt exactly this way when I first saw Obasanjo on televison…
@OlaToxic: See her, ashewo girl. I’ve never had any such thoughts o. I have vowed to be, not Sosoliso, not Chachangi, but Virgin till I get married, so therefore I ban such thoughts from my mind.
Wana: A wise decision, OlaToxic. Keep on accumulating all the konji… I hope you don’t burst before your wedding night sha…Brother @ekwem, please endeavor to pass around the offering tank… And please don’t accept cash… Just cheques… And cars too…
But Brother OlaToxic, I have to ask, how do you banish these thoughts from your mind? I personally have tried and have been unsuccessful.
OlaToxic: *shines mucus-infested dentition* I know, I know. It is not easy. But Sango has made it easy for me. He has given me strength. Whenever such thoughts want to occur, I just think of non-sexual things like frozen Ogi.
Wana: Frozen Ogi, you say? Wonderful… Just wonderful…
For those of us who are unable to control our emotions, this is where lust becomes a problem. The things most of us do to cure these cravings are usually evil or morally wrong things. Most cases of rape are cases of ill-managed lust… If a lust-generating machine like Nick Minaj should walk the streets of Somolu alone between 8pm and 9pm, calculations using Newton’s 4th law of Rape states that she’ll get raped at least 7 times.
I have serious doubts that OlaToxic’s theory of Frozen Ogi works, so I want to share a few pointers that might help all ye lustful souls…
1. Prayer: Only Sango can save you from anything. Keep praying to Sango and offer regular sacrifices to his holy name, and he shall save you from any wahala you find yourself in.
2. Vaseline/Diesel/Ugwu leaves/Roasted plantain: The best way to stop lust is to get what you’re after or something similar to it. If there’s that boy or girl that you want to get down with, go and meet the person and tell him/her abeg. In the event that he/she refuses you, please do not rape or pour hot soup on the person. Endeavor to use one of the four aforementioned items. If you do not know how they are to be used, go and read one of my previous sermons, The Art of Masturbation.
@Kemmiiii: But masturbation is a sin!
Wana: My dear, I know. But one has to choose between the two evils; the devil and the deep blue sea; between getting gang-raped by ABSU boys or having to read Mazi Oracle’s TL. Isn’t it better to masturbate than to rape?
I hope you all have been able to learn something useful from all the rambling that has been…
@Fllinstone: But wait… Oga Wana… What do you crave? What do you lust after?
Wana: Hmmm… Can I share a secret with y’all?
Congregation: Yes!Wana: I have an abnormal craving for bread. I have spent the last 117 years of my life searching for the perfect loaf of bread. Does any of you know why the World Trade Center was bombed?
Terdoh: No!!! Wana don’t!!!
Wana: I baked an almost perfect loaf of bread and the U.S. stole it from me. I recruited Terdoh’s help and we took the bastards down…
I guess that’s enough for one service. Anybody want to give the closing prayer?
@ThatIgboBoy: Thank you Sango for inspiring your prophet Wana to share his wisdom with us. May he never lack the strength to spread your word. May his testicles never be empty…
Wana: Ogbeni! It haff do! Bye Bye! See you all next service!
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*buys MTN sim card and walks away*