*removes cobwebs off mic*
Wana: Good Morning.
@tobismyth: *breaks bottle* Ahn ahn! Why are you just calling service since?! E don tey wey boys don dey wait make you call congregation na! E no pure o! No try am again o! *folds bottle and puts inside breast pocket*
Wana: Tobi, I’m sorry for taking time to call a service. I have been busy. But as a Babcock University student, I expected better from you. But then again, as BU is the biological name for the Sagamu Red Monkey (Bucaciaca udentutu), I’m not surprised.
Bro. Zubair, opening prayer please.
@zubairthedream: Sango o! We greet you. We thank you for the gift of life, and also for the gift of moin-moin. We thank you for providing plenty cocks for our women to play with during this festive period. We thank you and hope that you continue to bless us with showers of Imperial Zobo throughout the rest of our lives. Amen.
Wana: Amen. Before we begin today’s sermon, I would like to announce that we have a new member amongst us. Anybody that was here during the 30-day sermons?
@Terdoh & @TheFakeEsse: Me! Me!! Me!!! *jumping on table and dancing Azonto together*
Wana: *sighs* Okay. You can come down now, idiots. Remember the girl I told was my first love? The one that broke my heart and made me the cold, heartless gangsta that I am now? Yes. She’s right here with us. Please welcome @farideey to our humble shrine here at Blogsville. do check out her blog at http://faridajinadu.wordpress.com.
@farideey: *stands up* *flashes smile* Thank you, Wana.
@OlaToxic: Gosh… What a smile… *faints*
@Raiharnah: You man-whore!!! *pours 3-week old menstrual blood on Tokunbo* I’ve been saving that for yo’ bitch-ass!!!
Wana: Saka, what is your job as security? Get them out of here.
@Sirkastiq: Ok sir! *bundles Raiharnah and Tokunbo out of the shrine*
Wana: Today’s sermon is the on the 3rd deadly sin. Gluttony. Does anybody know what gluttony is? Raihanah and Tokunbo, please come in.
@Raihanah: I’ma murder yo’ lame ass later. *sobs* And I loved him! *breaks down*
Wana: Calm down, my child. Men are like buses. When one leaves, another one arrives. And if none arrives, you can always take Okada. Or better still, just fuckin’ trek it out.
@Raihanah: *wipes tears* Yes Father… Gluttony… It means over-indulgence and over-consumption of food, drink,or wealth items to the point of extravagance or waste.
Wana: As usual, the only person that understands you is you. I just like asking you because I love the way those big words sound. Wole?
@TweetMeistar: Gluttony is when you chop and chop and chop and chop and chop and chop and chop and chop and chop and…
Wana: Thank you, Wole. We get your point. Gluttony is what Ogbomoso people like @Rinolee call FFO. But then, food, and drink is good for your health. So what makes Gluttony a sin?
@Kemmiiii: Too much of anything is a sin!
Wana: Sin kor, Cingulate Gyrus ni… Is too much of moin-moin a sin? If you say rubbish inside here again, ehn I will send Sanponna to curse those your chicken legs with smallpox… Mscheew… All these small children sef…
@NateOblivion: But Wana, she has a point. When a person takes a large quantity of a particular food or drink, it can have dangerous effects on the nature of the person. Take a look at Mazi Oracle for example. Every morning when he wakes up, he drinks 17 cups of a special brand of Stupidi Tea. Can you see how his life is now?
Wana: Hmmm… True… You do have a point there… Too much of some foods can have a negative effect. Let me state, once again, that too much of Moin-moin has no side-effects. Moving on.
Any other reason why gluttony is a sin?
@ms_hanie: Yes. A person’s gluttony can have adverse effects on other people. For example, in public places like boarding houses and hostels where food is served in mass, some people’s gluttony will lead to the shortening of the rations of others.
Wana: Good point. Any other examples?
@SlevinCalevra: *stands up* *clears throat* Father Sush here. Silence while I speak.
Gluttony in Unilag girls is one of the main reasons why Unilag boys are now suffering. Many Unilag boys are actually praying that the current ASUU strike never ends so that they have a reason to avoid going to school. Because they know that once they set foot on that campus, the next thing they will see is girls running towards them screaming “My Love! How are you? Hope you’re fine? Oya come and take me to KFC”. Because these boys will not want to fall their hands, they will spend the all the money they earned from hawking pure-water on Ikorodu road on buying buckets of Chicken for some crappy girls, while they will now go home and drink Garri with salt and 3 seeds of groundnut. It is not good.
*clears throat* Father Sush has spoken. *sits down*
Wana: Thank you, Brother Larry. Now we have concluded that gluttony is indeed a sin. How then can we now rid ourselves of this sin?
@OlaToxic: Father Sush made a wonderful point back there. And as we all know, to eliminate a parasite, you kill its vector. To eliminate Malaria, you kill mosquitoes. To eliminate sleeping sickness, you kill tse-tse flies. To eliminate gluttony, kill Unilag girls. Now I don’t mean kill as in literally slice open their extremely long and deep throats. I mean, as I have said before, that the school should be closed, so that the concept of a “Unilag girl” never exists again.
@kemmiiii: I have had with you!!!! Stop abusing my school! *jumps on Tokunbo and scratches him with nails*
Wana: *sigh* Tokunbo… Today is definitely not your day. Saka, your job please.
@Sirkastiq: I told him to be careful with his actions, but he always felt the answer to everything was in frozen Ogi. What a pity. *drags Toxic out of shrine*
Wana: May he see the moin-moinlessness of his actions.
Let us not forget the number one cure for every disease: Prayer. Pray that Orunmila gives you the power to say NO when your friend brings the extra bowl of moin-moin. Pray that he gives you the power to say “No, thank you” when that fine boy offers to take you to KFC. Pray that he gives you the kind heart to share your food with others who don’t have as much as you do. Amen.
Wana: And we have come to the end of another service. Closing prayers, please. Your Horny Horniness?
@Terdoh: Praises be to Obatala for another wonderful service. We thank you allowing us see the end of a year, and hopefully, the beginning of another one. May our stomachs and wallets never be empty like Mazi’s cranial cavity. May our lives have more meaning than a dictionary. Till we congregate under your holy name again. I remain your horny horniness, Terdoh.
SIDENOTE: Nobody should please ask me what it is with me and moin-moin, Unilag, and a certain Igbo man.
This is most likely my last post of the year, and I want to thank you all for an amazing year. Would’ve loved to call names and shii, but there’s no time. Still, God bless everyone of you. Hope you had a wonderful 2011, and I wish you an even more terrific 2012.
Love y’all loads.