*steps to pulpit with 5-liter keg of fuel*

Wana: Good morning, brethren. *coughs*

Congregation: Morning, Chief Priest.

@Tobii_B: Wana, what’s in that keg?

Wana: 5 liters of petrol. I’m giving it to whoever Sango tells me too.

@tobismyth: *brings out broken bottle* Tell Sango say, if him still wan dey spit fire and not harmattan breeze, make him give am to me. *folds bottle*

Wana: *brings out 2A exercise notebook* Threat noted.

Who wants to give us the opening prayer?

@TweetMeistar: Me! Greatest Obatala! Thank you very much for allowing us witness the first service of this new year. May all our enemies die a terrible death. All those that want us to pay N141 for a litre of fuel, may Amadioha use their destinies to mop toilet floor. May they never see good in their lives. May their Children suffer indescribable…

Wana: Wole! Haba! Why you wan use swear break down my shrine na? Which kain heavy curse be that na? Who offend you?

@TweetMeistar: No mind the bastards! They want to kill me ba? They will not succeed! I’ve had to increase the price of my pure-water to N20! Thunder faya them!

Wana: *sigh* It’s alright. May Orunmila make it easy for you.

Today’s sermon is on the fourth deadly sin, Greed. As usual, where’s our dictionary?

@Rhaiharnah: Greed is an excessive desire to possess wealth, goods, or abstract things of value with the intention to keep it for one’s self. Greed is inappropriate expectation. However, greed is applied to a very excessive or rapacious desire and pursuit of wealth, status, and power.

@TheFakeEsse: Rapacious? Which one be that one? Wana, I don tire for this girl English o. I go soon vex o!

Wana: Ifunanya, sorry. I don’t understand half of what she said too… I only ask her because those words make me have a mental orgasm… Rapacious… *moans softly*

Anybody with a dumber explanation?

@Rinolee: Greed is when… Greed is when… Greed is when…

Wana: *sigh* Don’t stress your small brain, Amir. Sango will make you bigger.

Greed is an inordinate desire to have more than you actually need. Greed is when all you need to fill your stomach is N70 bread and N30 beans and N5 pure-water, but you allocate N1m to yourself per meal because you’re in power. Greed is when you take home billions of Naira every month when your fellow human beings live on less than N100 per day. Greed is a very evil sin, dear brethen.

Goodluck Jonathan: Sub me jeje, Sub me tender.

Wana: Bros Jona… I no even see you… How hustle na?

Goodluck Jonathan: Hustle dey o… I come collect prayer for your hand o… Your people don almost curse me die… Them don curse me so tey I no fit wear shoe for more than 5 minutes make the shoe no cut… I don tire o… *wipes forehead*

Wana: Sorry o… After the service I’ll pray for you… But you gats bring that rice wey you buy from Pluto wey them talk say you and Sambo dey chop… Make me sef taste national cake *grins widely*

Back to our sermon… It has been said by the wise ones before us, that greed is the basis of all evil. Charles Darwin first postulated that money (and Moin-Moin) is the root of all evil. Isaac Newton confirmed, but modified it, saying “The lack of money (and Moin-Moin) is the root of all evil. People who have, at one time in their lives, suffered greatly, have the tendency to develop a greater level of greed. Which is why someone who walked to school with no shoes will not feel guilty saying he want to spend N45 million on pots and plates. It is evil.

Goodluck Jonathan: It is not easy to totally submerge a submarine and still attach a submachine gun…

@Terdoh: Buh Wana mayne, you can’t say greed is evil. Greed, unlike other other sins, is legal. You can’t charge a man to court for being greedy. That’s like taking Mazi to court because he said he wants to be stupider. It’s allowed.

Wana: Yes, you have a point. But you have to take into consideration the fact that our legal system doesn’t judge on who’s right, but rather on who’s more persuasive, be it with words, money or threats.

Ask yourself. Is it right to continue gathering large amounts of money, more than what you need, when a lot of people have nothing?

@SlevinCalevra: It isn’t right, but it isn’t wrong. The great countries in the world are great because of their greed and desire to control more power and wealth than other countries.

@Kemmiiii: It seems Uncle Jona has bribed Terdoh and Father Sush… Tell me, how many wraps of Moin-Moin did you sell your soul for?

@SlevinCalevra: Fifty-….

@Terdoh: *cuts in sharply* Shattap! Must you open our yansh? And you this Unilag girl, it’s none of your business.

Wana: You all can now see the effects of greed. It clouds your reasoning, making you see bad things in a good light. It makes you think about only yourself and makes you impervious to the suffering of others. It removes all form of humanity from you and makes your soul even more hollow than our Vice-President’s skull.

Now, what can be done to curb the spread of greed in our society?

@OlaToxic: Well, as I have always said…

@Kemmiiii: *brings out baseball bat* Just let me hear “Unilag”…

@OlaToxic: In that case, I have nothing to say. *sits down quietly*

@FrankUgo_: Well, I feel it can only be curbed by preventing people who have greedy tendencies from attaining posts where they can embezzle funds. Someone like @Rinolee who has been rotating 2 boxer-shorts since 2005, shouldn’t be allowed to be President, lest he declare N300 million for Underwear allowance.

Wana: God bless you, Frank. And as Orunmila will always tell us, “Pray and it shall be considered”. Pray that Orunmila should remove all greedy tendencies from us. May he give us the power to turn down 4 houses in Banana Island for 1 in Mushin. May he bless us and make us aware of the suffering around us.

Congregation: Amen!

Wana: That will be all for today. Thank you for coming, and may we congregate again under Obatala’s name once more.

******

I would like to thank God for allowing me post for the first time in 2012, despite all attempts by some evil ones to subsidize my writing. May 2012 be a wonderful year in Blogsville, and every other part of our lives.

@Kemmiiii my love, congrats on writing an article that was considered worthy to be printed on the pages of Nigeria’s biggest newspaper. I would have done so myself, but too much moin-moin has clouded my ability to write such a sensible post.

My birthday is on January 20, and thus I ask that you start wrapping my birthday gifts as soon as possible. If you don’t want me to subsidize your life-span and occupy your head with bullets, please get me a gift.

Love y’all like flies love shit.

Wana.

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