Good morning Infidels!

It’s a Moin-moiny Sunday morning, and my co-author (@DJNiro_) has sent something in for us today! Enjoy!


As I lay on my bed partly because I was tired from reading all night the previous day, partly because was bored, listening to Barzini’s “Mumu Button”, a thought flashed across my mind… Why did ASUU even go on strike?

They always come up with the same requests all the time; revamp the universities but what was it again this time? Had the government not agreed to review their retirement age upwards from 65 to 70? Their excuse for going on strike is usually the fact that the country is experiencing brain drain and that there is a need for the professors to stay on and create more PHD holders and in the process improve the quality of the students… Ok

Next, they said, they want the federal government to implement the agreement they signed some years ago, that is, review their salaries upwards. ϑ
Well that is not what we are here for…
I was sweating profusely as the examination hall did not have any form of air conditioning or artificial ventilation. The lecturers invigilators came in late, 7.30am, for an exam that was supposed to start by 7am, and that was just the beginning of my woes. 20 minutes later after the usual barking and ranting, exam papers were distributed with PHARMACY boldly inscribed on the answer sheet meant for SOCIAL SCIENCES *smh*

After saying my usual pre-examination rituals; checking my pen to make sure it wasn’t going to give my lecturer a chance to smile; adjusting my glasses to make sure I had a clear view of my ‘surrounding’; checking my communication signals to make sure it was foolproof; I turned over my question paper to reveal the surprise of the century.

“Answer question 1 and any two other questions.

Question: Why do the senators get 45 million naira every quarter for projects they never execute?
[35 marks]

For a full 25 minutes and half, I stared blankly at my question paper and all I could utter was, “why evils”, but then as a sharp south-south boy, I called the lecturer and told him he didn’t give us that topic in the outline, and that was when hell was let loose…

Niro: Sir, please question number one is not on our course outline and you didn’t even teach us.

Lecturer: Idiot! Thief! Bloody truant! Who gave you the audacity to walk up to me and utter such words? Or is it because I didn’t make it to the senate? If I had been rigged elected into office would you walk up to me in Abuja and say what you’ve just said to me? I don’t know what children of these days have turned into, no respect for elders. My friend, if you don’t want to fail, answer those questions and stop being a renegade! At that point, he stormed out of the exam hall leaving me… hopeless. Well, I heard the lecturer clearly and even if I didn’t hear all he said, ‘If you don’t want to fail” rang like the phone at EME booking office in that pakurumo video.

I don’t want to say what happened during the exam, but 2 hours later, a classmate called me aside and asked why I talked to the lecturer about the question. To me the guy was high on something but then it was just the ninth hour of the day [#goFigure] I had to shake off that thought and decided to listen to whatever he had to say so I could visit mama Onome for breakfast, but then the news broke faster than I expected…

Read on…
Prof was the former ASUU chairman in UNI*** and was at the forefront of the campaign to review the salaries of lecturers but when the government refused to budge and the salaries/allowances of the senators were published, he quickly indicated interest to run for the senate and get his “pound of flesh”.

With a new ambition came a new set of friends, he started attending public functions and parleying with political bigwigs wielding huge ‘umblerras’, and in no time he started doling out raw cash *30 million naira that took him 30 years to save up*.

3 months before the elections…
Prof had gathered a sizable number of praise singers plus area boys and private military to prevent his enemies from wrecking havoc. Posters were printed, egunje exchanged hands and lawyers were hired in case there had to be litigations. And then the campaigns started, Prof was not ready to lose this election, so he employed every vocabulary he could muster from his 30 long years of being in the classroom as a professor of political science and was ready to throw as much money as possible with hope he was going to recover them in due course when he was there at the legislative house. He crisscrossed the length and breadth of the constituency visiting traditional rulers, promising heaven on earth to make sure they supported him and where possible threw a few nairas the way of his host. At this time, he had not been loyal to the men, who called the shots in the state because he had perfected his strategy for the elections; Sammy was going to be in charge of “smash and grab”, Chris was going to be in charge of logistics and get thumbprints for the ballots. It was a foolproof plan.

Election Day…
It was a bright Saturday in April; babies cried, clerics prayed, roads were blocked, the president addressed the country. The day had finally come when Prof’s dreams of joining the elite cadre of Nigerians who did nothing but make laws for the entire country were going to be realized. The plan had been rehearsed several times by Prof’s men to make sure the election was going to be successful; Prof could not wait to tell the VC to meet him in his new constituency office. Well, that was what he thought until he got the first call from Sammy.


Y’all hate suspense right? Got y’all!!!! :p

Will be posting the 2nd part on Wednesday.

May your week be a blast like a Boko Haram car bomb…

Bye y’all!