Sunday, 26th October, 2012. 11:48PM.

The NBA All-star Game is in an hour and 12 minutes, and I’m eager to see how Derrick Rose and King James will embarrass the West.

I might not watch this epic game though. Why? I’ll tell you.

I attended the February Edition of The One Mic Naija, and I’m exhausted AF.

If you’re expecting me to start telling you what the One Mic Naija is, you must be joking. You are obviously stale and have no reason to be alive. You should stab yourself, shoot yourself in the head, die, resurrect, castrate/mutilate your genitals, drown yourself and die again.

That was a joke. Please drop the knives.

I got to the Brown’s Cafe around 4:30pm. I wasn’t “fashionably late” because I was eager to see @Fozadoza… I had missed my baby. Surprisingly, Brown’s Cafe was almost full… Seemed everybody now knew how awesome the One Mic experience is. Kel & Kunle “KB” Bello started the show around 5PM, with my wife displaying her cramming abilities… I was so proud… *wipes tear*

One new thing I noticed about this edition was that the audience were given audio CDs of the rehearsals. It was a very welcome something as most people still want to hear these songs after the One Mic. I would have been happier if they had shared Moin-Moin though #JustSaying.

After the welcome address by the hosts, the One Mic band treated us to some fantastic music… The main drummer was on point like a decimal mayne… He made the drums cry… Impressive shii…

After the interlude came the very first performance of the day, Ilorin’s own Shaydee. I remember seeing Shaydee perform when we were still in Unilorin, but I wasn’t ready for what he did out there. Shaydee killed it. He went in hard like morning wood. As Love was the theme of this month’s One Mic, He performed a love song, Baby, before making me and The Pro-Inc crew shake our bodies with his feel-good hit song, I Want.

At this point I’m going to comment on the sad state of fashion among Nigerian youths. I wanted to take pictures of these people, but was scared that my camera wouldn’t survive the torture. One girl behind me wearing a dirty white blouse that was made out of the cloth material Hausa people used to sieve Kunu, left over 5 of her buttons undone and I could easily see her boobs and smelling red bra (I’m not complaining though šŸ˜€ ). Foza later confirmed my speculation that she was the infamous Odinabarbie.

Shambalas and Carrot/Mango jeans are obviously in vogue. But y’all don’t have to dress like clowns to look good. Let me use my wife as an example. All Kel wore was a black tee, jeans and a pair of high-heeled shoes, and she looked stunning. Shikena. Even me who didn’t really care how I looked was fresher than Morning Fresh in my Moin-Moin shirt. If you’ll look good, you’ll look good. No need dressing like 6th century Red Indians… The pictures of some of y’all can be used to perform exorcisms… Y’all are that ugly.

And guys, nobody really wants to see your N120 boxers.

*sigh* Moving on.

The hosts made the event crazy, and I feel KB could well make it in stand-up comedy if he wanted. I wanted to even famz and take a picture with him, but then discovered he was an Arsenal fan… What a shame.

A boss like me can never appear in the same picture as an Arsenal fan. No. Just not possible.

Aramide was up next, with her pretty face and hair making her seem like an Ijebu Alicia Keys. She also sang a love song first, then sang a break-up song titled “It’s Over”. If a girl should break up with me singing with that kind of voice, I swear I won’t even feel bad… Wonderful performance too.

This edition of the One Mic Naija was one of the most star-studded yet, with regulars like Tosyn Bucknor (I like seeing her tiny self šŸ˜€ ) and Slim T present. Newcomers like Banky W, Wizkid, Beazy & Teeto Ceemos were also in attendance.

I want to be a celebrity too. Why? Wizkid stepped on my Toms that I had spent 1 hour 17 minutes 45 seconds cleaning and I was too star-struck to pull him back and bitch-slap the muthafucker… Baba God, you gats make me bigger oh šŸ˜¦

After Aramide was Yeka. Yeka. Yeka. I can’t stop saying her name… She was smokin’ hot like a Malboro product. And she could sing and dance too… Her ass-twisting would have made Ghaddafi stir in his grave… No offense, Father Sush. She also performed a love song first before making us dance with her jam, Sembelembe. It was a scintillating performance. Banky W even hugged her when she was done… *coughs*

The Open Mic was up next, with lots of people eager to win prizes. Me and Fozadoza wanted to go and dance Azonto in the competition, but @olayiemika was too busy admiring Banky W’s head to even attend to us… Sad life šŸ˜¦

The contestants included 9-man band Cloud 9 (whose kid drummer brought out Foza’s paedophilic side), Olusesi, Ado Blaze, Big Child, Tunde (whose guitar KB pronounced as “a gira”), comedian Eazy-D, Mayotisha (who was rapping like someone that just drank hot Akamu), Big Ma (who performed Adele’s Someone Like You in a Big way), Olu Legend, Ace (who didn’t know why he was there.) and Kitan who sang a wonderful remix of Skales’s Mukulu.

The Open Mic winner was supposed to be judged immediately after all the contestants had performed, but the next artiste was kinda in a hurry, so they had to postpone the voting until after his performance, and thus GT tha Guitarman took to the floor.

People have always told me GT looked like me (not the other way around) and when he came out to perform, I noticed some similarities in our facial features. He looked exactly the way I would look if I hadn’t seen the wonders of Moin-Moin. Not to say he was looking bad, but I definitely was more handsome…

*sigh* Ariel haff finish… No more washing… šŸ˜¦

I noticed he had a dimple sha… Me I don’t have and I don’t want… I don’t know why y’all like it when people’s cheeks look like they’ve been shot with a .32 Colt when they smile…

GT tha Guitarman definitely did what he knew how to do best. Make the ladies swoon. As GT kept singing with his melodious voice, the ladies in the building responded to him in style. He also dropped some notes with his guitar… Another dazzling performance.

Up next was unarguably the performance of the night, Hakym the Dream. From the moment Kel & KB announced he was up next, everybody in the audience in anticipation, including our dear Odina who came to sit down in the front beside Foza and I so she could have a taste of the Lamba.

And oh, Haykm did not disappoint.

As he dressed, so he performed. He wore just a waist-coat and jeans, with the greater part of his boxers out for the world to see. The moment he started performing, Odina, determined to give Hakym the grinding of his life, ran haywire and was dancing and shaking her goodies all around Hakym. A lot of girls started dancing too… Foza sef was whining waist in my front… Wetin man go do? I just siddon dey look dey feel alright.

After performing Scooby Doo and Dey There, Hakym then calmed down a bit, and started Lamba with a bang. The performance was electrifying. Everybody was standing and gave him a rapturous ovation as he left the stage.

Rapturous… I wonder where I heard that word… Me sef don dey speak big English šŸ˜€

After Hakym’s performance, I met a lot of tweeps who also came for the One Mic, including @EmperorTobby, @Sirkastiq, @0Toxic, @CeceNoStockings and many more which my tired brain cannot remember now…

Just so y’all know, Tokunbo is a bitch.

During this period, the winner of the Open Mic was selected, and Tunde the “Gira” boy was the winner.

And last, but definitely not least, was the headline act, Capital F.E.M.I. I hadn’t seen him before, and was kinda surprised when I saw him. He was fair, short and muscular… Looked like a younger version of Ray Mysterio… The ladies obviously were interested in the muscular part, as screams of “Take off your shirt!!!” came from the crowd. And they all swooned each time he raised his shirt a lil’ bit and showed them those 6-packs… I wasn’t impressed though… My abs are way sexier…

Capital F.E.M.I. didn’t just wow the crowd with his body, as his songs also got the crowd dancing and grooving. Definitely a wonderful way to round up the evening.

This post was too long, so I had too cut out some things. It’s still long abi? Sorry. Well if you want the full, unadulterated gist, come and experience it’s awesomeness yourself on the last Sunday of the month of April, at Brown’s Cafe (this place makes the show even sweeter… It’s the most awesome venue possible.)

Shout-outs to WePlugGoodMusic, Share & entertainment groups for doing great on their promises: Bringing great music to the audience and making sure they had a great time.

And thus I end my report. This was brought to you by yours truly, Mr. OluwaMoinMoinBaba, aka Mr. 500-MoinMoin-A-Day, aka Mr. BMF (Blowing-MoinMoin-Fast.).

For photos of the event, check out

Thanks for reading.