I loved her.

Scratch that. I still love her.

But she hurt me. Without even knowing, she smashed my cardiovascular pump into tiny pieces…

*looks at everybody* *wipes tear*

@Cumical: What is all this?

My heart got broken, man. Yes, I made the foolish mistake of falling in love again, and now my life is in pieces. I’m sad and extremely depressed.

*everybody comes forward to hug and console me*

“Awwwwn”…”Sorry, Wana”… “You’ll find someone better”

@Cumical: *holds laughter*

@TheFakeEsse: What is doing this prokaryote?

@Cumical: APRIL FOOL YO!!!! *rolls on the ground laughing*

*holds laugh*

Don’t y’all remember shii? I’m a gangsta!!! We don’t fall in love, and thus can’t get our hearts broken. I’m Marvin like that.

But I’m still sad and depressed. But at least we know a female is not the (major) cause. Thank God for small mercies *bows head in prayer*

I really don’t know why I feel this way, but one thing’s for sure.

I. Love. It.

In case you didn’t know, the perfect excuse for laziness is depression. Walk around with a sulky face all day and even the most wicked boss will let you off the hook easily.

To those who I owe guest-appearances on their blogs, now you know why I haven’t sent you anything till now. And I want to apologize for the delays. I give you my word, that as long as there is Moin-Moin on the face of this Earth (not the other one), be it in this world or in the next, you will get your post. You have my word.

The other world… I wonder if I’ll be able to blog in Heaven… When I post finish, I go just shout, “Angel Micheal!!! Angel Gabriel!!! Angel Fatai!!! New post don dey oh!!! Help me send person go tell them for Hell abeg!!!”

I digress… Back to my depressed mood.

Another good thing about depression is it brings out the inner you. Examples are James Blunt, and more recently, Atoshiba (I’m not really a fan of Dell laptops… Toshiba rocks!)

So… Given my current depressed mood, I’m going get my Adele on. I’m going to grow fat, write a series of extremely sad posts, and win 6 awards at the next Nigerian Blog Awards, including “Blog of the Year”.

I wonder if there’s a category such as “Saddest Post of The Year”…. *scratches head*

Oh well.

Another amazing side to being depressed is the fact that I can make decisions without wondering what other people felt about it. Normally, before I do something, I always think, “What would he say?” “How would she feel?”

But now, whenever people question my decisions, I show them one of my fingers. Not the ring finger. Not the index. Not the pinkie. Not the thumb. #GoFigure.

One of my MDGs (Millennium Depression Goals) was to limit the people I was following on Twitter to just 300 people then protect my account. Thus I had to unfollow/block about 800 people. Amidst my serial blocking spree, one organism walked into my mentions feeling like a JAMB invigilator and started telling me how rude it was to just block people randomly…

Old Wana would have been like: “Awwwn… I’m sorry… ‘Twas a mistake…”

But New Improved Depressed Wana? “*blank stare*… Nigga… *looks at Calender* Is it winter yet? Why do I feel so cold? ”

Who knew being mean could be so much fun?

Normally I like to make sure my rants are least 900 words long (nobody likes premature/quick ejaculation… We all want the fun to last as long as possible), but given my sad depressed mood, I really couldn’t care how long this post is. The only thing I care about is who’s representing Nigeria at the Moin-Moin Olympics in June.

I’ve been begging Okonjo-Iweala to pick me to represent Nigeria, but she’s been ignoring me with that her head that looks like an HP printer… Mschew.

Those who asked for guest-posts, please DM/ping me and let me know what you want me to write on. And please let it be something meaningful. If you tell me to write on something stupidly annoying and meaningless like “The Cyclical growth in a Goodwin–Kalecki–Marx model Economy”, I will delete your phone number/BB pin, block you on Twitter, curse you, and ask Yemoja to use you small intestine as gele.

Yes. I think I’ve written enough for a depressed person… Sorry if you did not laugh like a psychopathic dolphin as you usually do when you read my awesomely epic posts.

Hopefully, if NEPA decide to remember that we still exist in my neighbourhood, I’ll charge my phone and get to writing all the posts I owe.

Till then,

HRM OluMoin-Moin of Ijebu Land.

King Wana.

@Kemmiiii: *whispers* Wana… Come back… This is not normal… I know a girl is involved… Who’s the girl that’s making you depressed?

Wana: *sigh* There are two of them. One, an element of nature. The second, a sweet, black, sugary liquid addiction.


PlaybookUtunu will not be held liable for any catching of feelings due to misinterpretation of subs thrown on this post. If you’re not Tim Tebow or Peyton Manning, don’t try to catch what wasn’t thrown at you.

Thank you for reading.