*coughs* *clears throat*

 

Good day.

 

*waits for response* *raises head* *sees empty seats*

 

Just imagine… There’s nobody here… And I told them there was service today oh… *sigh*

 

*sends new invites to everyone via Instagram for Typewriter*

 

*everybody rushes in immediately*

 

@tobismyth: Wow… Wana… What’s this new app you used to call us? It’s so cool, no Dettol. I really like it. What’s it called?

 

Wana: Instagram.

 

@tobismyth: Instagram?

 

Ice Prince: I poured a gram of milk in stagnant water. Instagram.

 

*congregation looks on with straight face*

 

Wana: That is not why we are here, my children. Good day to you all.

 

*congregation responds*

 

Wana: God bless you all. Opening prayer anybody?

 

@Ogenna_: Thank you God for allowing us to witness another wonder of the world: Uncle Wana’s sermon. May he bless us with knowledge and Moin-Moin, and may we leave here satisfied spiritually, physically and sexually. Amen.

 

Wana: *bows head* Amen.

 

Today, we shall be discussing the sixth deadly sin, Sloth. Can anybody tell us what sloth is? Bukunmi?

 

@Rinolee: Calm down jor! Ahn ahn! Wetin?! Bukunmi, define this. Bukunmi, define that. Na only Bukunmi hear English for all of us wey dey hear? I don vex oh. Me sef wan define today.

 

Wana: Amir, I’m sorry if I made you feel like your skull was filled with Printer Ink. Kindly define Sloth for us.

 

@Rinolee: *shines teeth* Better. Slot is a shop in Computer Village, Ikeja, Lagos, that sells phone, laptops and their accesories. *sits down with the swagger of a Yakuza boss*

 

Wana: *whispers to myself* Printer Ink is even useful sef… I should’ve said saw dust…

 

I’m sorry, Amir. But you’re wrong. Selling mobile phones is not a deadly sin.

 

@Fllinstone: Wana don’t mind the idiot jor. *clears throat* Let me tell you all what Sluts are. A slut is a girl that will spread her hind-limbs to allow snakes to enter her temple, provided she gets something in return. This “something” may range from Pure Water nylons to Blackberry Porsches.

 

Wana: *covers head in shame* And I thought you had more sense… E be like say na red sand dey your own skull.

 

Before I ask Bukunmi to kindly define the term “Sloth” for us, I would like to make a little prayer.

 

Dear Ladies, may God not allow you have sex in exchange for Pure water nylons.

 

*Ladies scream Amen, @TheFakeEsse mumbles incoherently* 

 

Bukunmi, carry on.

 

@Rhaiharnah: Sloth is defined as spiritual or emotional apathy, neglecting what God has spoken, and being physically and emotionally inactive. It can also indicate a wasting due to lack of use, concerning a person, place, thing, skill, or intangible ideal that would require maintenance, refinement, or support to continue to exist.

 

Wana: *moans gently* Hmmm… That mental orgasm was wonderful…

 

For you olodo people that do not understand simple English, I will break it down for you like an enzyme.

 

Sloth, in English wey no use make-up, is Laziness.

 

@Salliness: Hold up, Bros. You’re saying Laziness is a sin?

 

Wana: Yes, my beautiful one. Laziness is indeed a sin. This is because it leads us to commit other sins. Have you not heard the saying that “The idle mind is the devil’s PS3”?

 

@haneeta_: I used to hear that saying a lot when I was hawking groundnuts under Ojuelegba bridge. But tell me, what kinda sins can result from one being lazy?

 

@Cumical: Yo! Wana! I got this one! Selfishness! And being selfish is a sin! When you and that Nigga be having sex, you just lie your lazy ass down and let the nigga do all the thrusting like he’s a director at GTB. That shii ain’t fair yo!

 

Wana: Terdoh, have you been having pathetic intercourse?

 

@Cumical: Pathetic? I laugh in Hebrew.

 

Ice Prince: She plait her hair in Patewo style, but it was too thick. Pathetic.

 

Wana: *sigh* What else can laziness cause?

 

@Sirkastiq: Laziness is why we have so many armed robbers and ritualists today. These people are too lazy to stand up, walk to the nearest bookstore, buy Revision key-points, read, pass JAMB, go to University for 4 years, graduate with a good degree, go for NYSC, start working and earn a good living for themselves…

 

@IamHamzy: Ahn ahn!!! See all the things wey you dey call!!! You wan make person die ni?! I dey go rob jor!

 

Wana: That is not the right mentality, young one. No task is too heavy for you. For it has been said in the holy books, that the Almighty will not a burden on a person, that is heavier than the person can bear. Which is why some of us can face the burden of University, while those of us that don’t have the brain power to do so, are in music studios thinking Juju is worrying them.

 

That was not a Sub. There’s nobody on the bench.

 

Remember, my sheep, that the ultimate way out of every sin is prayer to God Almighty. Pray to Him and Baba will answer you faster than Usain Bolt can run 1 millimeter.

 

And don’t forget to eat Moin-Moin at every meal to ensure your diets are balanced. Be it Beans, Yam or Noodles, make sure you eat it with Moin-Moin.

 

Closing Prayer please?

 

@TheCrankySmurf: Thank you God for blessing my boyfriend with all the wisdom he has shared with us today. May we all be wise, no Dennis, like him one day. Any girl that wants to steal him from me, please make her an Abeokuta girl so she’ll become ugly and he won’t be interested in her.

 

Wana: Amen. 

 

Thank you all for coming here again today, and may your nipples be hard as you return.

 

Goodbye.

 

*****

 

In case you do not know, there’s another Edition of the One Mic Naija coming up on April 29th at GET Arena. Hopefully, I shall be there to sign autographs and share some special Moin-Moin.

 

Just thought you should know.

 

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