*insert Pinky and the Brain soundtrack*
Good day, everyone. Welcome to another edition of News on The Hour. I’m your anchor, Oluwawana Dangote.
On to the major story of the hour.
According to our sources, blocks of ice were seen falling from the sky in God’s own village, Abeokuta, during yesterday’s rain. Given that Abeokuta is one of the razzest places on the Nigerian map, we are forced to discuss what could make such a cool something happen in such an uncool place. If it happened in Lagos, we wouldn’t have been bothered.
But since this awesome incident happened in Abeokuta, we have to investigate what led to it. And to help us with that, are our panel of experts from all around the world.
First off, we have a pastor from one of the major churches in Nigeria. Pastor, can you tell us what could have caused ice blocks to fall from the sky?
Pastor: That was the sins of the people coming down to haunt them.
Wana: Sins, you say?
Pastor: Yes. Every time you sin, a drop of water goes into the sky. If you masturbate with Vaseline, 2 drops go into the sky. If you masturbate with diesel, 5 drops go up. If you celebrate anytime Chelsea scores a goal, 20 drops. If you insult the greatness of Moin-Moin, a whole bucket of water goes up.
Whenever the clouds can no longer hold this sins, it allows them to fall back to the Earth as rain. But it seems someone in Abeokuta has been telling some really cool stories, which made the sins to solidify to ice and fall as blocks of ice.
Wana: Wow. Thank you, Pastor. We really appreciate your time and knowledge.
Our next guest is NASA astronaut Daniel Anderson. Mr Anderson, can you please tell us what could have led to this unusual phenomenom. Mr Anderson, your thoughts?
Daniel Anderson: Yes… Uh uhn… Let me tell you the koko… The koko is that, we at NASA suspect the “ice blocks” you see are fragments of the moon. We believe that these fragments were displaced by a round leather ball that hit the moon after it was set into orbit by Real Madrid defender Sergio Ramos while he was filming an advert for Power Horse during the Champions League semi-final.
Wana: Yes… I remember that incident… I actually thought he was trying to use the ball to pluck cashew from a tree outside the stadium…
Daniel Anderson: No… As shocking as it may seem this is the truth. The particles broke down into smaller and smaller pieces, cooled when they were in the stratosphere, and fell through the atmosphere in Abeokuta as blocks of ice.
Wana: Wow… Thank your for time and expertise, Mr Anderson. It was really appreciated.
You have now heard the views of two of our experts. After the commercial break, we shall speak to two more analysts about the cause of the icy mystery.
*enter Terdoh and Kelvin singing “Garri Ijebu is good for you, good for you, good for you. Garri Ijebu is good for you so drink it well oh* *Kelvin does Azonto* *Both exit*
Wana: Yes… That was a message from our sponsor… Garri Ijebu is good for the body… For stronger bone(r)s, drink Garri Ijebu.
Onto our next guest. His name is Alfa Lockdown, and he is a technician at Boko Haram & Sons Ltd. Alfa Lockdown, what do you think happened in Abeokuta yesterday evening?
Alfa Lockdown: Let me tell you the real story. There used to be this boy working for my company that killed himself because we told him there would be 72 virgins waiting for him when he dies.
Wana: Hold on a bit… You promise people that you’ll give them 72 virgins to make them do your work?
Alfa Lockdown: Before nko? If you know the kind of konji wey dey hook all those Hausa boys… Konji wey be say if cow see them, the cow go run commot… Why do you think they find it easy to herd cattle?
Wana: Wow. Go on please.
Alfa Lockdown: So the boy got to the after-life, and waited for his 72 virgins. As the boy come dey wait, na so him konji dey rise. After he don tire to dey wait, na him the nigga begin masturbate. After over 4 months of continuous solid, liquid and gaseous stroking, my nigga finally pour sha. Na the thing wey him pour na him fall ontop una head so. *holds laugh*
Wana: Wow. Thank you for very much much for your opinion, Alfa Lockdown.
And yes, we have one more guest in the studio to share his views on what could have happened. Please join me, Ice Prince.
Ice Prince: Yo’ Wana! Sup my nigga? How’s it hanging?
Wana: It’s hanging very well, Sir. So, Ice Prince, tell us. Why do you think blocks of ice fell from the sky yesterday in Abeokuta?
Ice Prince: I told y’all this was coming. The gods wanted me to be the King of Rap, which is why they made ice fall from the sky.
Wana: But Ice Prince, how can you be so sure?
Ice Prince: I was at Obanikoro at 8am yesterday, which is why they decided to coronate me.
Ice Prince: Yes. I am now the undisputed king of Nigerian rap. My rap is like pins. If I chook you with it, you will feel it like you’re from Philippines.
Wana: Wow. Wow. Thank you for your expert analysis, Ice Prince.
And there you have it viewers. You have heard the theories from experts on what could have caused the Icy Mystery in Abeokuta. You are now free to make your conclusions on what truly caused this phenomenom.
Until I come your way again, I remain my awesome self, Oluwawana Dangote, for News On The Hour.
That was a stupid post, yeah?
Boredom’s a bitch jor.
Let me tell you the main reason why ice blocks fell in Abeokuta. Because I am in Abeokuta. The weather in Abeokuta was not accustomed to having someone so cool and awesome in it, and thus it rained ice blocks.
I know you don’t believe me.