Good day, fellow Immortals.

I’m feeling inspirational, and I want to share a quote I made with a friend. No funny things here, just a motivational speech. Oya leggo.

Last Sunday, I attended the June edition of One Mic Naija. It was crazy fun and the band and artistes kept me and a couple of friends dancing throughout. Then there was a brief interlude before the final act, Eva Alordiah came on stage.

During that interlude, the thought of what I’d be doing when Eva was performing her rap songs crossed my mind. I mean, I couldn’t just sit down, and I had no idea how I was going to dance to “High”. I shared my thoughts with a friend beside me, @AdeWhalaay, and he told me, “No matter the song, there’s always a dance.”

And sure enough, when Eva came on stage and performed, we danced like crazy. Eva even put it down on me… *sigh*. But that’s a grind for another day.

The morale of the story is that no matter how hopeless the situation you find yourself is, there’s always a way out. No matter the song, there’s always a dance. Let me give you 2 examples of “songs”, and how to “dance” to them.

1. After taking a crap, you realize there’s no water or toilet paper to clean up. For those who have been in this before, you’d agree with me that this is really shitty. (I didn’t do anything there.)

Now, for every “song”, the first “dance” to attempt is Prayer. It’s something like Yahoozee… Shii works with virtually every song… I fit dance Yahoozee to Enya’s Only Time sef…

So, first off, you pray. You pray that God gives you a wand so you can do an Accio Tissue Paper spell. Or an Aguamenti spell (sigh… I’m still an Harry Potter addict). You could even ask God for amazing chemical skills so you can combine the hydrogen and oxygen molecules in the air to water.

Chances are though, that you’re on a really long thing. A wand? Seriously? When you realize that your Yahoozee is never gon’ work, you switch steps.

If there’s a window in your your toilet, you can place your butt-hole at the window and allow cool breeze to blow into the area. After about 4-5 hours of that, the fecal matter would have frozen and would fall off by itself.

If you’re unlucky and there’s no window in your toilet, there’s only one dance left: the agressive alanta.

You close your eyes (Trust me, you don’t want your eyes to be open for this), dip your hand inside the toilet bowl, while being careful not to come in contact with the strands of poop inside. Then you scoop out some water gently, and use it to rinse your anus.

Before y’all start puking and what-nots, I never said the dance was gonna be pretty. But the song has been played, and you must dance. If you see Ilorin girls dancing to Damoche, you’ll know what I’m saying.

P.S.: If it was Moin-Moin you ate, there’d be no need to clean up after. Moin-Moin auto-cleans itself. #AsABoss.

2. You’re performing sexual intercourse with a boy/girl (I hear there are various sexual orientations nowadays… *smh*) and you hear his/her parents coming up the stairs.

First, common sense should tell you to put on whatever form of clothing you can lay your hands on. Once the song starts, even if you’re not sure of what dance to do, just move your feet to start with. It will come to you as time passes. Because if Papa sees that you’ve got a bigger dick than his, Nigga, you dead.

As should be the norm, pray first. Pray that God sends an Invisibility Cloak (Isn’t it amazing how every problem of mankind has a cure in Hogwarts?) Or a gun.

If you have the invisibility cloak, you can just put in on. Then when they walk in, the chick can say she was practicing naked Yoga… Or whatever flimsy excuse she can come up with quickly.

If you have a gun, even better. You point the gun at Papa, look him in the eye, give him your best imitation of a 50 Cent smile and say, “Papa… I’m really sorry for fucking your daughter… But If you vex me, I’ll pop you then I’ll pop her… Don’t think this is a robbery, I’m not a Pauper… I might even kill my dad and make ’em wonder where the pops are.”

Pop her… Pauper… Pops are… Wallahi I should be a rapper… I got bars like a fully charged battery. *sigh*

Back to the koko.

Chances are your prayers in this case too won’t get answered anytime soon. So you have to switch dances.

If you can go Ghanaian, you’re in luck. Just do some Azonto things. The moment the door opens, just start screaming “Amen, Sisteh!!! Amen!!! Deh Lord has seen yeh suffering, and he will cure yeh!!! Amen!!!.”

If the parents are religious, it’s your lucky day. They might even join in the Amen-ing. But if they see past your charade and know that you’ve been sticking eight inches of hard meat inside their daughter’s love-pot, just do the running-man dance, and run.

Run like Jay-Z caught you in a room with Beyonce.

Run like say Sagamu boys wan use you do jazz.

Run like you just saw the red dot of the laser on your chest.

Run like there’s a Moin-Moin scarcity in your village.

Just run.


All though there some very few exceptions to the rule, such as an actual Moin-Moin scarcity and if you have full-blown AIDs. In both scenarios, there’s no point dancing. Just lay the fuck down and die.

But the general rule is still, No matter the song, there’s always a dance. Don’t give up. Never stop hustling. If the tempo changes, flow with the beat. And one day, you’ll get your reward.

Never stop dancing, people.

No matter the song.