How y’all doing?
*now playing Lady GaGa – Bloody Mary*
That song speaks to my soul… Good music.
*sees everybody facing me with blank stares*
I’m bored again, and I’m thinking about a new series. Yes, yes, I know. You all think I’m gonna kill it as usual. I appreciate the faith you all have in me… Makes me feel like Faith Evans.
*blank stares continue*
The new series that I want to start is called The Why Nots. It’s just me making a list of perfectly sane reasons why you shouldn’t do certain things. It’s a very serious something, and something we must treat with utmost seriousness.
So the first thing I’d be telling you why not to do, is Marriage.
Why get married?
In the first instance, what is Marriage?
Marriage has 2 definitions:
1. When a girl decides she wants to chop a man’s money and takes necessary steps to ensure he signs a legal binding that makes his money (or at least majority of it) hers. These steps may include extremely good sex, blackmailing, juju, amongst others.
2. When a guy sees a girl and decides he wants to be the only one “hitting that”, so he takes necessary steps to ensure she signs a legal binding that ensures he’s the only one (legally) allowed to kpansh her. These steps may include spending his life savings on her, blackmailing, juju, amongst others.
Good… Since that’s settled, let me now explain why you shouldn’t get married.
@Kemmiiii: Hold on, Wana. People marry because they are in love with each other.
Nobody marries purely because of love. As the great Lana del Rey said, “Love is not enough”.
Back to my list. *gives The Hulk glare to anybody who tries to interrupt*
1. To girls want to get married for the first reason, have you ever heard of the saying “no fuckin’ condition is fuckin’ permanent”? Have you? What happens if he gets robbed of all his property? What happens if the economic crunchdown gets to him?
If you’re a very unlucky person, the Range Rover that he bought to woo you will be sold to buy 6 bags of Garri and 1 apo of Sugar for the family (Hopefully there will be frequent rains so you won’t have to buy Pure water).
Don’t think marriage is a solution to your financial problems. Stay single, work hard, and be comfortable on your own.
2. If you’re planning on marrying for the second reason, I pity you even more.
You plan on having kids yeah? Buhahahahahaha. I laugh at you in Shakespearian English. You’re making the worst mistake of your life. ‘Cause let me give you the 411. After she gives birth to Cletus, Donatus and Cordelia, you won’t believe she’s the hottie you got married to. ‘Cause trust me, she’ll change.
You’ll wake up in the midnight and you jump out bed like you woke up next to Freddy Krueger’s sister. That is not the life, brother.
Even if you don’t plan on having kids, she’s still gonna grow old and raggedy, no matter how much of your salary you spend on Darling Yaki and Jergens age-defying lotion. And you gon’ have a miserable old age with a miserable old ugly woman.
So stay single, change girls as they get older and less appealing, and when you die, you shall be buried amongst the likes of Pele, Maradona, Zidane and Marouane Chamakh.
3. Untrustworthy Muthafuckers: It’s what we all are. A bunch of untrustworthy, greedy-ass bitches who would do anything for themselves regardless of the impact it would have on others.
O ye gold-digging girl who married for reason number 1, whatchu gon’ do when the lawyer reads Alhaji’s will and all you get is the omorogun used for making Eba? Won’t you commit suicide so you can pursue Baba into Hell or Heaven or Purgatory so you can use that Omorogun to break his head? Of which God will still punish you for committing suicide.
And o ye big-yansh-loving brother, what will you do when you mistakenly walk in on your boss (that refused to give you a raise) stuffing your wife with 5 inches of hard meat? Even if you get that little i-have-a-bigger-dick-than-my-boss whoop, you will still get angry and commit a crime. And your life will be ruined.
Don’t allow Baba God punish you. Don’t allow the devil to use you to fill-up Kiri-Kiri. Stay single. And live a long happy life.
4. Boredom: Let’s assume you get married in your late 20s. And God blesses you both to live to your 80s. That means you’ll spend a little above 50 years stuck to ONE muthafucker. How can that be possible?
By the first 10 years, you guys would have had sex in the bedroom, in the living-room, in the kitchen, on the dining-table, on top of the GeePee tank, in the store, on the DSTv dish, and before you know, sex will become boring.
Then in the next ten years after that, you guys would have talked about everything, ranging from the color of her Primary school head-mistress’ pants, to the reason why an Ibadan girl pronounces “a” as “hey”, to the cure for caudal dysplasia.
So after 20 years, y’all would have a boring sex life, and a boring talk-life. Then you’ll spend the remaining 30 years bickering, cursing, and wondering why the hell you got married in the first place.
So stay single, and avoid spending 30 years of your life hurling washing machines at someone who’s supposed to be your soul mate.
K-Solo: Stop subbing me nigga!
So you can see, I’ve given you 4 quality reasons why not to get married.
Did I make sense?
A) Yes. B) Option A. C) Option B.
There you have it, peeps! Don’t get married!
*whispers to Niro* Don’t mind me oh… I already have my wedding with Demi Lovato planned for 2016… We’ll give birth to Amir, Fareedah, Fadheelah, and Wana Jnr. 😀