While I was proof-reading this post, I realized that I was losing the final grips on my sanity, because the post you’re about to read is just plain stupid. Thus, the following disclaimer:
DISCLAIMER: The following post was not written by me or Niro. We don’t know how it got to my blog, and thus urge all readers to divert any anger or frustration after reading this post to another blog. Thank you.
Good day, Immortals.
*face begins to bends slightly*
*face finally becomes a Frank Ocean*
I just had to do that.
Why come out of the closet? Shey heat dey catch am? He for off shirt nah. 😦
It’s all stale gist sha. And by the expressway, that’s not why we are here.
Remember my undying commitment to guiding your lives? Yes. I’ve come again to give you perfectly sane reasons on why you should live your life the way I advise you to.
Now, I shall proceed to give you to give you perfectly sane reasons why you should not be an Arsenal fan.
Notice how I keep using the words, “perfectly sane”? This is because only someone who has eaten Moin-Moin to a stupor will have the brain-power to see the logic in my words.
So, eat up, and let’s proceed.
First of all, to the non-football watching people, I shall give you a brief description of Arsenal FC. Arsenal FC is an online player store which purchases players while they are young and then sells them when they are older for higher prices. Igbo man things sha.
Despite the apparent uselessness of this football team-turned-Dealdey, millions of people around the globe still pledge allegiance to the team nicknamed The Gunners.
Although majority of its followers have been brainwashed and thus cannot be saved, I shall attempt to prevent more innocent people from join the flock of misled goons. This is because I have carried out research, and I have seen that the characteristics of the club also reflects in the supporters.
Perfectly Sane Reason 1: Lack of Ambition:
Arsenal FC have not won a major trophy since 2005. The last time Arsenal won a trophy, Eedris Abdulkareem was the best rapper in Nigeria. Justin Bieber hadn’t even been weaned. The diameter of a certain girl’s vagina (name withheld) back then, was just as wide as a door, compared to it’s current width which is the same as that of Lagos-Abeokuta Expressway.
And Arsenal fans have this same attitude. If a typical Arsenal fan at Ozone sees 4 fine girls, one with a Bold 6, another with a Bold 4, another with a Curve and a fourth girl with a Thuraya phone, he’ll attempt to set P with the 4th girl, because that’s what they do at Arsenal FC: Settle for 4th place.
Perfectly Sane Reason 2: Poor Judgment:
Over the years, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has made a couple of signings, by judging “the book by the cover”. You see, Mr. Wenger has a thing for young fine boys. It has even been speculated in the past that Uncle Arsene was Frankly on some Ocean things. (Nothing was done there.)
Some of these signings have been slightly good like Oxlade Chamberlain, some have been average like Theo Walcott (who has the football IQ of a dead lizard), and some have been utterly useless like Marouane Chamakh (who is even more useless than dried Chicken poop.)
And this lack of good judgment reflects in every Arsenal fan. They are the type of people that would ignore Moin-Moin because it’s wrapped in leaves and buy Amala because it is inside a Mr. Biggs bowl.
Before I continue, I would like us to admire Moin-Moin and it’s humility. It is the god of all foods, yet it prefers to be wrapped in leaves. Such humility can only be divine.
*bows head in prayer* *raises head*
Perfectly Sane Reason 3: Misplaced Priorities: The ultimate aim of any football club should be to win trophies. But this is not the case with Arsenal FC. Year after year, they sell their best players; players who could have helped them win titles, for monetary gain. And despite the clamor of some of slightly sane fans, they still continue to act as the Bend-down select for other top European teams.
Yet again, this characteristic is present in Arsenal fans. They have no sort of organization in their life. An Arsenal fan is one that will buy a Blackberry Car Charger when the Nigga doesn’t have a car. You see a girl at Computer village pricing Bold 5 pouch, but doesn’t have a Bold 5? She’s definitely an Arsenal fan. You’ll see an Arsenal fan popping bottles in the club, yet his father has been rotating 2 torn boxer shorts for the past 17 months. That’s how they all think.
Perfectly Sane Reason 4: Violence: What in the name of Segun Arinze’s massively big eyeballs is a cannon doing on the badge of one of the most respected English club? And why are they nicknamed the Gunners? There can only be one explanation. Them niggas be violent.
Data obtained from Interpol and the CIA has shown that majority of gun runners and ammunition dealers in the world are Arsenal fans. Even Grammy award winning artiste, Osama bin Laden, was spotted several times in North London wearing the Arsenal jersey.
Even on the Nigerian scene, the evidence of the violence of Arsenal fans is widespread. Boko Haram spokesman, Abu Qaqa, is allegedly the younger brother of Arsenal midfielder, Abu Diaby.
All they believe in is violence, and that guns can solve any problem.
A typical Arsenal fan will commit murder if someone stepped on him. That’s how violent they are.
Don’t be an Arsenal fan, so that all these destructive and pathetic qualities shall not reflect in you. And if you already are, pray, eat lots of Moin-Moin, and maybe one day, the Lord shall direct you back to the right path.
Oh, and in case you’re curious, I’m a Manchester United fan. Why else do you think I’m this awesome?
*walks out* *sees Frank Ocean on the way out* *passes alternative route*