First of all, ignore the *beep* title. This *beep* right here is a *beep* rant. My *beep* *beep* swan ain’t *beep* singing no *beep* *beep* song* *beep* *beep* *beep*.

Good day Mortals.

How are you all doing today? I hope we are hale and hearty.

@tiki2a: Wow. When did Wana become so nice that he now cares about our feeling?

Yes, a nigga fasting, so a nigga gats to have manners.

Ehen… Onto the first yam of the day.

@FrankUgo_: Yam?

*sigh* Must a brother explain every punchline? Yam, issue, same noni! Aargh!

Now, unto the first yam of the day. I now have the 2nd funniest blog in the Nigerian Blogosphere, going up from 3rd position which I was some weeks ago.

The idiot in number 1 position decided to close his blog (for the second time!), and join forces with the Lazarus (that couldn’t stop dying and waking up) in number 2. Thus there’s now one super-blog in number 1, and your’s truly moves up to number 2.

Niro and I are not quite satisfied with being second to this pair and their third surbodinate (a colored book of the Bible), and are thus taking steps to take up the first spot. We are currently drafting a lot of strategies and formations, including Guardiola’s legendary 4-3-3 formation.

200 words, and I’ve thrown more subs in than a basketball game. I just keep getting better at this shit.

*flips next slide*

I just got my heart broken again.

@Ibrosaunks: *passes CD of Drake’s Take Care album*

No, I don’t want. I want to talk about it. See I loved this girl. And I think she loved me. I think she did… *scratches head*

I asked her if she wanted a relationship, and she said she wasn’t ready. That she was “unstable”. Then a nigga goes out to hunt, and she got pissed. Which made me confused. For those who didn’t get that, let me explain it in easier terms.

Imagine I offer you leaves to wrap the Moin-Moin you want to cook, and you reject the leaves. I then use the leaves to clean my anus after a round of sweet defaecation, you come dey vex. Does this make sense? No be you say you no want?

I told her there and then; will you date me or just be my friend? ‘Cause you can’t be a friend and be getting jealous when you see other chicks ridin’ on a nigga like a Chamillionaire single. And she chose the friend option.

@K3hinde: You friendzoned a girl? *awards Lifetime Merit Award for Dedicated Service to the Broherhood*

*blushes* Thank you.

We stayed as friends for a while, but my heart still loved this girl like mad, and I asked her out. And she said “No, my heart was not an actor in Toy Story 3. You can play with my feelings.” Things basically got worse between us after then, and now we don’t talk again.

Fiction… How easy it is to compose…

But why are girls like that though? Why so selfish? Why are you like that Alien X in Ben 10: Ultimate Alien that is always changing mind and debating and shii? Why can’t you just …. *sigh*

I remember a tweet I read once that went: “If you’re keeping your virginity till marriage, then I’m keeping my money till marriage.” The way you act, is the way you’ll be treated.

In a way, this yam is the reason for the title of the rant. This is my swan song. A nigga done with bitches and love and setting P and what’s and what-not’s. I’m not having sex till marriage (yes, Tokunbo finally convinced me), and thus I really do not have any need for any girl in my life. All girls suck, some physically, some emotionally.

@Fllinstone: Frankly, Wana…. Why don’t you think of swimming across the Ocean?

#Pause. #Stop. A Nigga is never, ever gonna be gay. @Fllinstone, you can stop your favorite fantasy of me and you alone in a room in Ogbomosho on a rainy night.

Edward Cullen: *comes and hands over Oscar for the gayest character ever to @Fllinstone*

To those like Terdoh and Niro who are in happy relationships, lucky you. To those like myself, Ifunanya (This one can never have boyfriend, no be swear) and Kemmiiii who are single, “Chairs to freakin’ Weekend!!!… Because leg go pain am if he overstand.

*flips last slide*

I was reading Kelvin’s old blog for inspiration (funny how I haven’t even mentioned or subbed him since), and I started with his last post, EncorE.

18 likes, and over 100 comments. I don’t think any previous post I read on The Ugwu Samurai’s blog ever had that sorta attention. And that was the ONLY sad post on that blog.

In my three score and four chop-bar and 2 offside years on Earth, I have noticed that nothing draws mortals together than tragedy/drama (except all those edible crayons… Bliss ^_^). You mortals’ appetite for disaster is so amazing, it amazes demi-gods like myself. As my dear friend Carlo Ventreseca said before he killed himself in the book Angels & Demons, “Nothing forces the human heart to search deep into itself for the truth other than tragedy”.

This idealism to life is just plain stupid. Funny blogs like TSC and stupid blogs like mine exist so you can take a few minutes away from your life and it’s troubles and just smile, be it at Terdoh’s jokes or at my foolishness. And not just to smile, but also to think and reflect on the multiples of good things you have in life. A nigga shouldn’t have to suffer viral encephalitis before y’all start running down here looking for the Lukman that looks like Lukaku that is drinking Lucozade.

What makes me happy the most is when people come here and shake their head and say “Wana is just stupid”. Some people laugh, others masturbate. But as long as my post brings out some sort of action in you, then you’ve made me happy.

A brother has to do a Wayne Wonder and Bounce Along now, so you’ll see my mentions whenever I’ve something to share again.

Till then like Tillaman,

Peace.

*****

I noticed, while proof-reading, I hadn’t dropped an Ice Prince bar in a while, so I quickly decided to think up one for all ye awesome Ice Prince fans. Ice! Where you at?

Ice Prince: Serena Williams dips her bread in tea. Serendipity.

Thanks bruv!

Out!

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