Hahahahahahahaha… Why are your eyes so glassy?

I understand some of you didn’t expect to see anything on this blog again. But then again, I just couldn’t let the awesome blog ever created by man, animal, alien or Vic O to go to waste. So I decided to hack into the blog and write something terrific for y’all.

Ice Prince: John Terry is so fickle. Terrific.

Some things can never change.

Back to what I was saying. The great descendant of the Sushey clan, He-Larry Sushey recently wrote an awesome blogpost on how to be a Twitter coo keed. One of the things the great one wrote, was that having a blog was a big step to being a Twitter coo keed.

And now, since Wana is in Abeokuta looking for a womanhood to place his manhood and can thus not do it, I’ll do this for him. I’m going to teach you all how to be a coo blogger, and ultimately beome a Twitter coo keed. Follow the following steps. and don’t ask for a follow-back.

1. Open a blog. Duh. You wan dey post for 2go? Negro, please. Get on WordPress or Blogger or some other hosting site.

While opening your blog, put into consideration that your blog name is essential. Do not use your name as the blog name. Only few talented idiots like Terdoh and Kelvin them can pull it off. Be creative. I’d rather read a blog titled The Headless Tales of A Serial Cunnilinguist, than read one titled Hardeykhunlay’s Blog.

Hahahaha. Can I digress for a little bit? Thank you. Ibadan people, what the fuck is wrong with y’all? Why y’all gotta be embarrassing we Yoruba people? Do you ever see Emeka being spelt as Haymaykhar? Or Audu spelt as Hawhoodoo? Why y’all gotta be acting like friggin’ illiterates?

Sorry for that. Back to the issue at hand.

2. Know how to write: This should have even been the first step. I mean, why open a blog when you can’t write shii? I’ve read some posts on Blogsville so pathetic, my brain pinged me saying, “I regret to inform you that I’ve lost 17 brain cells in an attempt to comprehend the utter nonsense that was contained in the blog post you just read”.

If you’re gonna be a murderer, go after things like chickens and Sina Rambos. Don’t come after my brain cells abeg.

3. Presentation: This, essentially, is simple. Write like a human being, and don’t gbagaun.

He told me hw much he lyks me, but am a gud girl n i dnt wanna brk mai friend’s hart, bcos she lyks him 2.

If you write like that, chances are I’m never gonna read that blog again, and if I’m feeling rich, I’ll bribe the Grim Reaper to bring forward his appointment with you.

And try as much to avoid making grammatical errors. Gbagauns can ruin a post, except when you’re an extremely awesome Immortal like Uncle Wana. But you can never be an extremely awesome Immortal like Uncle Wana, so I suggest you get an extremely big copy of Mastering English.

Uncle Wana doesn’t gbagaun again though. His English is on some 555 shii… Fuckin’ stainless.

4. Content: This is most important. Write what people want to read. Basically, Nigerians want to laugh. So if you can infuse humor in a post, do it. Except when you’re trying to warn girls about the dangers of breast cancer. Then you’re allowed to be all serious.

This thing is not a laughing matter! When you wake up in the morning, check for lumps in your breast! Press it well! Before you go to work, press it again! Before you hug your boss at work, press it again! If you see me on the road, tell me to press it for you! Constant pressing is the key to early detection and survival!

See what I did there? Total seriousness. #TeamStopBreastCancer #TeamPressTillYouTurnPressingIron

Also, do not steal. Do not go and steal a post from someone’s blog and re-title and claim it as yours. Niggas be getting killed in Kano for stealkng N30 Peak Milk. Imagine what you could suffer for stealing 900 words.

Personal advice: Don’t be a Blogsville poet. 99.999999999999% of Nigerians find poems boring and just an annoying waste of time. They’re very few good poets out there. So for your own sake, don’t join the legion of bad poets roaming the streets of Blogsville in their dirty Tommy Hilfinger/Hilfighter boxers.

I just remembered a friend I made on Twitter, who Wana had a crush on, @TheLastLopez, who was murdered In the UK last year. She was an awesome poet. Rest in peace, Eva. When I get to Heaven, I’ll take you on a date to that awesome Moin-Moin joint. Sleep good, dear.

*wipes tear*

5. And last but not least, you need publicity. What’s the point of having a coo blog when no one knows? Follow all those jobless idiots on Twitter have over 5,000 followers and beg them to retweet your links, and maybe one day a Twitter Leader like CitySparrow will see your link and will announce you to the Twitter Universe.

That was not a sub. I prefer to do my business above water.

Yeah, I guess that’s about it. Now you know how to be a coo blogger. And when you become a star-blogger and they ask you who taught you how to blog, take off your shades, look them in the eye and tell them that you learnt it from Uncle Wana’s faithful disciple.

Like Moin-Moin that has been inside the pot for 30 minutes, my work here is done. For those who still don’t know who this is, I shall leave you with a clue.

One mole of Sodium.