Do you love this poo-poo? Are you low right now? Do you ever get circulatory?
So I had this awesome idea for a blog-post that would be funny as hell… I was gonna take off my boxers…
Nah. It won’t end well. I’ll end up scarring someone for life… Trust me. But I’ll find another way to make you laugh. Or make you shake you head in pity. Or make you commit suicide. It’s your choice.
I came across a scandal some days back on Twitter where a boy was caught setting multiple Ps and he was exposed. One of the girls told me the whole story via DM, and I have to say, I felt bad. I do not like members of the Brotherhood being disgraced, except you’re Mazi Oracle.
Ice Prince: Rita Ora is so cool. Oracle.
So dear brethren, read the following steps, for they are the way to setting the perfect P.
1. Prayer: The moment you see a girl that you want to set P with, save her avatar and pray on it. If you don’t know how to, that’s why I’m here.
Dear God, your humble servant has come before you again. Father Lord, I want to set P with that handle. Please let it be an actual girl, not some jobless boy’s second account. And please don’t let her be a leaker or a muncher. Thank you God for answering my prayer. Amen
Yup. That’s how you pray. And if God doesn’t answer your prayer, and she ends up being a convo-muncher or a nude-leaker…. Well, it was nice knowing you.
2. Patience: Never, ever rush into setting a P. Take your time. Twitter no dey run go anywhere. If you haven’t seen at least 3 different avatars, don’t set that P. You see one picture of her fine face, and you start setting P? Nah. What if she turns out to have Amastia? What if she’s fat? On the road to the perfect P, you can’t afford to take risks.
Also, read and study her tweets. If she posts bible verses more than 5 times a day, nigga just move on. Except you’re a member of #TeamNoSexualActivityTillMarriage. If she googles tweets a lot, that means she wears push-ups and wonder bras and she actually has amastia. If her handle starts with “P”, DO NOT SET THAT P. DON’T ASK WHY.
For those unfamiliar with medical lingo, Amastia is a medical condition where the mammary glands are absent. In some Hausa girls though, the size of the mammary glands are so small, lingerie makers wish there was an alphabet before A, so they can cater for their needs. Such girls can be classified as suffering from amastia.
3. Make her notice you: Uhm… For you to set P with her, she has to know you exist. Try and find your way into her mentions. When she tweets, always try and retweet with a funny comment. When she posts something funny, leave whatever you’re doing and LOL the tweet. Girls loved being LOL’d.
Girl 1: OMG!!!!! Girlfriend, you would not believe what just happened!
Girl 2: What happened?
Girl 1: Wana LOL’d me!!!! OMG!!!!!!!! I’m in Heaven!!!!!!!!! I want his D already!!!!!!
Do not underestimate the power of the LOL.
LOLing has its rules though. When LOLing a potential P’s tweet, the number of O’s in your LOL is essential. The National Society for LOLing has set 3-6 O’s as the acceptable sane boundary. Lemme break it down for you.
LOL: The only reason I’m posting this is so your dumb self can know I exist. The tweet is the most stupid tweet ever. Even Mazi could not come up with a more stupid one with his brain, if he had one.
LOOL: My dog could write a funnier tweet with it’s rectum, but I want you in my bed so…
LOOOL – LOOOOOOL: Funny tweet, and because I want to bless you with the D, I shall LOL it well…
LOOOOOOOL and above: I’m obsessed with you! I will do anything for you! Please notice me nah! Haba! I’m tired of doing dirty things with you avatar!!! Just smile back at me! Please 😥 .
LOL’ing will always work, but on the rare case that it doesn’t work, you have to make her notice your own tweets. The only way to do this is to tweet the lyrics of Drake’s Take Care.
It’s my birthday, I’ll get high if I want to…. Can’t deny that I want you, but I’ll lie if I have to…
If you tweet the above and you don’t get at least 5 DMs, my name is not Wana the 9-inch Anaconda.
4. Migration: Once the prospective P knows you exist, you have to move outta the timeline. To close out a P, you need privacy. DMs leak all the time, so I suggest you leave Twitter. Every girl has Whatsapp or BBM these days (you might need to download 2go if she’s from Ibadan), so try to gain her trust, then ask her for her contacts.
Once you can get to this stage, it’s all done. Invite her to wherever you want to give her the D (your house, Kuramo beach, E-centre toilet) and give it to her happily, freely and unrelenting.
There you have it Brothers. So when you’ve finished D’livering her, look up to the skies, and say “Wana the Great, thank you”.
Wait! There’s one more vital step…
You have to nominate this blog for Blog with Best Humor at the NBAs. Go to http://www.nigerianblogawards.com/register.php and fill the name and e-mail spaces. Then scroll down to number 12, and type in playbookutunu.wordpress.com
*does best imitation of a puppy face* *ends up looking like Charlie Boy’s cum face*
Charlie Boy’s cum face? God, I’m fucked up…