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 The characters and incidents potrayed and the names herein are fictitious, and any similarity to the names, characters or example of any person or entity is entirely coincidental but intentional… Grammatical blunders should be pardoned

*Hits playbookutunu gong five times*

Gather around once again ladies and *cough* gentlemen. Its been a while we had any form rational unintellectual discussion over here, so we consulted with the gods and they’ve decided to send us rabbit Niro to bring us glad tidings from the zone beyond.

*applause* Niro mounts podium bearing four red books

First of all go down low, I would like to announce that this blog has won been nominated for the Nigerian Blog Awards for the second year running and that has been made possible by the untiring efforts of only you. On that note, you’re welcome to today’s class. 🙂

You know that phrase by 2face, “You don’t want to go down there”? that aptly describes the situation at the zone. You know that kind of situation/place you don’t want to find yourself at any point in human history… That is “The Zone” or for the uninitiated, The Friend zone aka boo zone aka the bro zone 😦

So what is exactly is the friendzone?

Apt definition

All I can say is that, like democracy, there is no universally accepted definition for term *forget what Abraham Lincoln said*, and as such it has remained an issue of public debate over more sensitive national issues like Tonto’s new singles or flood in Bayelsa.

I looked up “Friend zone” and Wikipedia described the friendzone as… *wikipedia has time sha* a platonic relationship where one person wishes to enter into a relationship, while the other does not. It is generally considered to be an undesirable situation by the lovelorn person. Once the friend zone is established, it is said to be difficult to move beyond that point in a relationship.

You see that? A friendzone is like a one way ticket, once you go there, you don’t ever return. You’re gay doomed! It is what you attain after you fail to impress a woman you’re attracted to. Usually initiated by the woman saying, “You’re such a good friend”. Usually associated with long days of suffering and watching your love interest hop from one bad relationship to another. Or imagine you get a girl a 2013 Chevy Camarro and the next thing she goes “THANK YOU, YOU’RE SUCH A GOOD FRIEND” 😮 *Sango boil your mammary glands*

Remember the movie, I hate love storys, when Simran dumped Raj She decides to confess her feelings to Jay, but after doing so, Jay explains that he never thought of her that way–they were only best friends *Boom!!!*

graphical example

Meanwhile @Kemmiiii please can you give us a definition of the friend zone?

@Kemmiiii: A state of being where a male inadvertently becomes a ‘platonic friend’ of an attractive female who he was trying to initiate a romantic relationship. Females have been rumored to arrive in the Friend Zone, but reports have never been confirmed in Nigeria.

Gbam!!! That’s a doctor talking. * moving on*  Can we have a lawyer give us a more concise definition?

@Nerdybwoi: The friendzone can be described in summary as a realm of darkness and depression between hell and the earth’s surface where innocent males are sent to by attractive/nice females when acting friendly as an attempt to build a good relationship with a female to interest them in a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship. This horrible place is to be avoided at all costs and all males are advised not to develop a crush on their close female friends in order to avoid this. Example Mazi and TD

*sigh* Hope no Naija guy is in this level yet

In summary, a friend zone is like quicksand, once you get in its very hard to come out except you’re helped by an external factor. This external factor can be in form of motivational talks (uncle Steve Harris ati bebelo) or in form of beer peer pressure. Whatever your external factor is (or not) do not be dismayed for I have been sent to bail you out of muddy waters.

You don’t know, when guys get friendzoned, they start crying foul like its the end of the world, but actually its not the end of the world. NB: This excludes when you get into an ashewo’s hooker’s friendzone!!! Then you’ve done something wrong, go and appease the gods in your village to help your situation biko. That’s like the worst thing that can happen to a full grown man with a functional phallus.

*@Nomskithel raises hand* So how do you know when someone has been successfully zoned or when someone is about to be zoned?

Like every human phenomena, there are global friendzone indicators, whether in Nigeria, Peru, Brazil or India *Spot the odd one*. These indicators remain the same regardless of timezone or geographical location. Some of these indicators are…

1. She constantly reminds you what a great boyfriend you’d be… FOR SOME LUCKY GIRL. I mean, who does that? Imagine you look at a girl’s chest and she’s goes, “Chike you’re such a wonderful ‘man’, you’re girlfriend will be so lucky to have you” Huh????

1. She stresses that you’re her friend…At all times. Eg. Friday night at Rehab and she goes all Piers Morgan, “Hey Chinyere, Chimamkpa, Chimaobi, Chukuwunemebere, y’all should meet my best friend, Nonso”. Niqqa, run away before its too late, I don’t care if her waist looks like Yvonne Nailson’s own, beware soul brother.

1. She ignores you, even when you blatantly admit your feelings to her, she says something like, “Raphael you’re so funny”. You must be joking, that’s a threat to a dream. MOVE AHEAD!

1. If she lists you as her brother on facebook! Don’t bother, your zoning system has passed SAT, you’re now a bonafide card carrying member of TEAM FRIENZONE like @Oche_E. In fact, this is the highest stage of friendzone manifestation.

1. Imagine a scenario in which she rocks that amazing LBD you bought her and looks so dashing that you can’t help but compliment her looks and she replies, “awww’, she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone you tried to escape from use your mind.

1. If he calls you boo (that’s zone language yo)

friendzone chart
The friendzone chart

@HomeSchooldNerd: But it’s not a wasted effort if you get friendzoned. Unless you’re just trying to get into a chick’s pants. In which case, it’s understandable why you wouldn’t be boyfriend material.

@IamMrBB: Yimu!!! Please where do they sell boyfriend material, so I can pre-order mine 😐

That’s not why we are here tho, we need to end this class in time for United’s game yea fxck the international break.  Please note the following key terms for your test tomorrow.

Friendzoned dude: A very very nice guy, a much better choice for the b!tc# he wanted than that bad guy she chose. E.g. @Jerunski007, @DJNIRO_, @djbomzy etc

Friendzoned chick: Either ugly, fat, dumb or a combination. E.g… 😡

Also note the that the friend-zone is now available as a filter on instagram…

Let’s have a moment of silence for all of those in the friend zone. [SELAH]

Until we meet again, stay clear of the zone…




The flow…