Good day, Immortals.

If you’re reading this post, you’ve, at least, finished primary school. So you should be familiar with the title name. Primary school, however, was like 70 years ago for some of you like Madam Car Sticks. So I shall give you a brief recap on who Lord Lugard is.

In the year 1900, an English chef, in search of the perfect supplement to all meals, came to our land. His name was Lord Frederick Lugard. On getting to the southern part of our land, he discovered a local food called Moin. This food was sweet, but wasn’t complete to Lugard. In his quest to improve this Moin, he searched all the land, eventually finding himself in the nothern part of our land.

There he found a liquid called Moin, which when he mixed with the southern Moin, it formed the sweetest meal ever. He named his combination Moin-Moin, and Lord Lugard went down in the history books for the amalgamation of the Northern and Southern Moins.

Now, when this man was doing this amalgamation, he had good intentions. He just wanted to make this land one sweet, whole place. And he is disappointed at what this country has turned to. I spoke to him last night via Skype for Typewriters, and I’m going to let him tell you what he told me.

*loads chat*

It’s Lugard, bitches!

Y’all Nigerians just be making a nigga turn in his grave! I mean, what’s y’all’s P? Y’all making me regret I joined all you bitches. I have a couple of things I just have to say to y’all.

1. All ye Boko Haram bitches, the fuck is yall’s problem? Y’all just be blowing shit up everywhere! I mean, y’all fools done blew more shit than Pamela Anderson! Than Muhammad Ali! Do y’all just wake up and think, “Hey, I’m horny! Let’s give a Church a fellatio”? Y’all niggas are fucked up! Let me give y’all a fun fact: There are more dicks than churches!!! Blow them instead! Bitches!

2. When the fuck did y’all become liars? I be reading in my grave then I see something about Davido saying he’s 19. I ain’t trippin. Then I see something about May-D saying he’s 19, then I start trippin’ gently. Then Burna Boy comes out and says he’s 21? What the flippin’ fuck? Burna Man? I fucking gave him the name! Nigga used to help get firewood to warm the Moin back then, so I called him my Burn boy. Nigga then remixed it to Burna boy, and is claiming 21? Bitch please.

3. Y’all don’t know your fuckin’ boundaries. Y’all just think you can wake up one morning and be whatever you want to be? Y’all must be smoking some crystal meth! Who the fuck allows a nigga who aint gat no shoes as a kid to be president? Niggas who never even saw the inside of a classroom be becoming senators. Actresses with voices like sore-throated donkeys be becoming singers. Y’all mad? That Poko chic be causing angels to wear ear-muffs… Voice horrible as shit…. Y’all better start learning to respect yo’ boundaries, k?

You know what? I’m done here. Y’all just making a dead nigga cuss… Shii ain’t right. I’m out, bitches!

*closes chat*

Can you people see what the people in the grave are thinking about y’all? Let’s start changing oh… If I’m feeling alright, I’ll paste my chat with Amadioha here sometime next week. If I’m feeling alleft though, I’ll just keep on being on a bad guy P.

If you voted for this blog at the NBAs, you might have to vote again. Apparently, their server was on a Sina Rambo P, and thus your votes might have gone missing like most of the money in Nigeria’s treasury. So kindly go back to and do it all over again. Thanks.

Laters, bitches!