In case you haven’t been able to watch BBC, CNN or Al Jazeera today, let me bring you up to speed on the latest news trending all over the world.
Today is Niro’s birthday.
Yes the same Niro that co-writes on this blog, and that will, in 30 years time, become a Senator and be embezzling money like a thirsty camel.
Yes, that Niro.
So in honor of my great friend’s 21st birthday (He’s so young. Tiny fuck.) I’m going to make 21 birthday prayers for him.
1. Niro, may your life be long. What’s the point of embezzling money if you won’t live to spend it?
2. May you not meet your future wife on Twitter. Bitches there be like “I’m wife material”, when they ain’t even worth a fucking strand of thread. MySpace would be a better hunting ground.
3. May you never meet a girl that will beat you in FIFA. That’s about the same thing as you slitting open your scrotum with a breadknife, bringing out your testes, covering them with Nutella and saying, “Here baby, take my masculinity.”
4. May the ugly girls you meet in life continue to Friend-zone you. Let’s face it, Niro, you’re ugly. We can’t have an ugly girl falling in love with you. Imagine you two now get married? Fucking catastrophe.
5. May you never have to read 50 Shades of Grey or watch Spartacus alone. Remember your father’s golden motto: May No Boner Be Wasted.
6. May nobody ever over-wash you. It’s alright for the occasional dip-inside-water, but it’s bad when people start over-washing you. That’s how one girl will tell you that you look like a black Chris Hemsworth, you too you will believe and go and compete in Mr Nigeria. And we know how that’ll end.
7. May you never have friends that will be going to E-Centre to girl-hunt, and they will not call you. They are not your friends. After Tonto Dikeh , a cock-blocker is a man’s worst enemy.
8. May you always know the reason whenever a girl dumps you, so you can take heart from it. It’s easier moving on when you know it was the awesome smell of your farts that chased her away.
9. May your girlfriend/wife never forget your birthday. Girls are usually natural calenders, especially when it comes to people they love. If she forgets yours, damn. *buys you sticker of #ForeverAlone for your car*
10. May you never frown or become teary-eyed after you see the price-tag on an item. It’s a painful something, one I wouldn’t wish for my enemy, not less a real G like you.
11. May your girlfriend/wife know how to cook, and cook well. May your wife not cook Moin-Moin and it will be tasting like recycled dog poop. Shii wrong.
12. May your sexual life be good too. May your Vaseline not reduce at alarming speeds. When you want to cuddle when it’s cold, may you see correct flesh to hold, not your Mouka Foam pillow.
13. May your never hear the name “Vic-O” when you ask your kids for their mentors or role models. May you instead, hear names like Mayowa George.
14. May you be useful to others, the way Wikipedia has been useful to you. May you be able to give willingly, without getting anything back in return.
15. As you and whoever the (un)lucky girl you get married to get older in life, may her breasts not sag as much as Lil Wayne’s jeans, and may your scrotum not hang as much as a Blackberry Bold 5.
16. May you be able to carry your wife on your wedding day. Given how scrawny and lazy yo’ ass is, you’d better be screaming “Amen” right now.
17. May you find out the reason for your creation soon enough. I pray it’s something awesome like mine (the invention of self-duplicating Moin-Moin. Trust me, it’s was fun making Moin-Moin that could undergo mitosis.)
18. May money come into your wallet faster than Usain Bolt and leave slower than MTN’s BIS.
19. May your cause of death not be alcohol or women. It’s more gangsta when the other dead people ask you, “Yo Niro, how did you die?” And you reply, “I was wanking, and suddenly, there was a white light.”
20. If you’ve not had a threesome yet, I pray you get to have it tonight. If you have, well, I hope you get another one tonight. No better way to celebrate a birthday. Trust me, I’d know.
21. And the most important prayer. May you never run out of Moin-Moin. For without it, your life is as valuable as a Blackberry Bold 1 battery. Yeah, nobody buys them again.
Hope you’re having an awesome birthday, G.
On my own birthday though, I expect cash. If you write one bullshit post like this, negro I will skin you alive.