*hits cane on table*
Wana: Shut the fuck up, bitches! No noise in my class!
For those of you who didn’t get the memo because they were not in GET Arena, today’s class shall be a joint lecture handled by myself and Professor Niro.
On that note, all you bitches are welcome to Utunu 419, and today, we shall be teaching you about an ancient tribe called the Mayans and a shitty prophecy they made. So rich bitches, bring out your iPads. Poor bitches, bring out your 2A exercise books. Let’s get this bitch started!
Niro: According to historical reports, the Mayans were an ancient tribe of dodo-eating people, that predicted the lifespan of the Earth. According to their calculations, the Earth is supposed to end on December 21, 2012. However, due to the humongous amounts of Dodo that they ate, their calculations were seriously flawed.
Professor Wana will proceed to give you 3 reasons why the world won’t end yet, and I shall give you 3 more.
Wana: Aiiight bitches!
1. Arsenal fans: In case you don’t know, the God we serve is an impartial God. Arsenal fans have been supporting their team with all their hearts, despite that fact that they haven’t won a single competitive trophy since 2005. I mean, see all of you using iPads and tablets. The last time Arsenal won a trophy, tablets were synonymous with Chloroquine and shii.
All I’m saying is, The world end until Arsenal fans have been rewarded for their unwavering support, despite all the insults. Till their patience is rewarded, this world ain’t ending.
2. I have not had a pure three-some yet. If them Mayans think I’m going to Heaven without having a three-some in this life of sin, them bitches better think again.
I’ve had some impure three-somes, e.g. Me, my right hand and my left hand, or me, Dettol soap and Irish Spring soap. But I’ve never had a three-some with two alive and breathing girls, so until that happens, this world isn’t ending.
In the event that I’m able to have a three-some before December 21st though… Y’all had better start preparing to meet your Maker.
3. Soundtrack: The Mayans knew that they needed a hip-hop song to boost their World-Ending lie, so they got Jay Sean & Nicki Minaj to do a song. Their choice of artistes however, proves that their calculations are totally wrong.
If they had chosen Vic-O & Tonto Dikeh to do the song, I’d be in my shrine praying for forgiveness for all my sins right now. Because if you see them passing by, you will be afraid to say Hi! Hi!! Hiiiii!!!!!!
I shall now hand over to Professor Niro to round up the lecture.
Niro: Thank you, Wana. Moving on.
4. Noodles: Yes this is an uber reason why the world can’t end now. According to professor Mayowa of the Georgetown University of Georgia, the Mayans saw a situation in which Dufil Prima would go bankrupt and then they would stop producing indomie noodles. But verily I say unto thee, even though Indomie goes extinct… There’s O!, there’s Dangote, there’s Mimee, there’s Tummy Tummy and so on.. So my dear students, be ye not afraid of the Mayans. Keep on rocking.
5. Benin Women: We all know heaven is covered with gold. The bible tells us so already, or whatever your belief. No disrespect to Benin, the city and its inhabitants, but, if the world were to end next month… There will be serious chaos o. Imagine where you’re on the queue leading into the pearly gate and a Benin woman was the first on the queue. Forget it man, nobody is going in… The make up on their face alone would be enough to repaint heaven from gold to rainbow which you know won’t be allowed by God. In conclusion, the world can’t come to an end.
6. The Mayans are not Ibo Men: Before you go on with your tongue-lash, call me ethnocentric or accuse me of being biased, read this carefully. THERE’S NOTHING ON EARTH THAT HAS HAPPENED WITHOUT THE FORE KNOWLEDGE OF EMEKA AND HIS KINDRED. Example when a Nigerian was in line for the papacy who was it? An igbo man. A part of Nigeria declared itself independent of the Nigerian state, who? An Igbo man. So brethren, if an Ibo man did not tell you the world is going to end in december, go about your normal (paranormal for Benin women) duties and enjoy all you want… Until you start seeing some “End of the World” merchandise which coincidentally will also be made by an… Ibo man.
Just to prove to you that the world isn’t ending anytime soon, somewhere in Port Harcourt, some igbo traders numbering about 22 to 30 have purchased a “bladder” in preparation for weekend football on the streets on Diobu. They won’t try that if they had stocked up for “rapture”.
Also, Wana has still not put up a DP (he still hasn’t found love in a hopeless place) and as such, you don’t want him to proceed to the pearly gates with tadpoles in his system.
*In thick Igbo accent* Nna Piss out!!!
This post is a work of fiction, all brands, ethnic groups and names mentioned even though intentional are a figment of the imagination of the writers and should not be likened to any persons living or dead.
By the way, Happy birthday @WaleAdenuga. More Bread to your beans.