Now playing: Fun – Some nights
Aloha gentlemen and ladies.
How the go dey go? Lol. Abeg this is not another pidgin English post, calm your tits yet.
As you already know, its just days to Christmas, so in our usual manner we’re going to help take care of your boredom and spread the holiday cheer to your smartphones and PCs.
If you’re reading this post right now, you’re among the 15% of Nigerians above the poverty line (N̶165 per day), congratulations are in place. Also, chances are that you’re doing so from a smartphone… Probably an Android, iphone, a windows phone or a blackberry smartphone (Nokia fanboys please chill jor). There’s also a 60% probability that your smartphone is plugged to a charger or as we know it, “charging point”. But more than that, there’s also a 90 percent possibility that your battery level is below 80%. Don’t even ask me how I came up with all these figures because I don’t even know. 🙂
Eh, so you’re thinking I’m a tech junkie right? You might not be far from the truth… Which is actually nonexistent :D.
The thing is I’m a pained smartphone owner… Eh, specifically a blackberry owner. I don’t need to go on and rant about how I’m always in possession of a usb cord at all times…and at more perilous times, include an adaptor in the carry-about kit. Or is it the fact that I have to deal with countless sessions of “Hangman” when my memory becomes “full” or is it when I have to deal with my phone’s temperature becoming hot enough to cook ogbono soup in 15 minutes? Or when I have to charge my battery every one hour? All these and more are the many “struggles” goys have been dealing with for the past 2 and half years I supposedly “saw the light” and joined the then “prestigious” group of blackberry owners.
*Aside* Who remembers the time when sending a facebook update from blackberry automatically gave you groupies who hopped in your comments until you shared the “goodlife”? Or the time when sending a tweet “via twitter for blackberry” automatically made you a coo keed?
And then the problem with applications… This people have refused to have sense and give us games that will make a blackberry useful without internet connection seeing that the likes of android and o. We don’t have access to view our favourite “models” on instagram. Not like I care, at least I’ve got MOLOME. 😥 *Struggle*
I understand that BB10 is on its way with some new perks, glitz and glamour which even include a BBM voice call *I’m so setting P*. So I’ve compiled a list of applications that I want to see on the new set of Blackberrys when they finally launch next year. If you’re an app developer, take this as that free advice you were promised in your dream. Are you ready?? Oya let’s go…
* An App to Cool Blackbery smarphones: When you develop this app, feel free to call in AutoCool App. With the way a BB heats up when in use, this app could sell up to ~800000584000 units in its first week of release. I’d personal buy and give to others.
* An App to know unworthy P’s: I swear this is going to be the craziest app. Imagine being able to decipher if the actual face behind those photoshopped DP’s and Twitpics is worth the hassle. This app should be able to tell how fine a potential P is… Ugly, fugly or Very Fugly. I promise you millions would be saved on cinema tickets. *sideye Silverbird*
* An App to detect lies: Let’s face it, every one of us has been lied to on BBM, ranging from “I work in an oil company” to “I have Wizkey and Scales on my BBM”. Imagine an app that will raise an alert whenever such lies pop up? Hearts will be saved, data consumption will greatly reduce.
* An App that can detect fake pregnancy: We all know of Balotelli’s story and how girls have devised new means of getting out of the “Team Forever Alone” and that is pregnancy! So in order for peace to reign and remain, Blackberry should please listen to the voice of the masses and introduce an app that would help our brothers avoid marrying for the wrong reasons. Meanwhile I used to hear that you could actually detect pregnancy with a BB by punching some key combinations and placing it on the lady’s stomach. True?
* An App that can direct you to Mr. Right: Ladies, y’all know how I love you and want the best for you seeing that I’ve been occupying the Green Zone since 1914 (the FriendZone if you please). So imagine an app that can send you straight to your own TreySongz or Fally Ipupa… No wayo.
*An App that can tell if a lady is a good cook: Maybe I’m asking for too much, but y’all know that saying about the stomach being the shortcut to a man’s heart (if he has one). So dear Blackberry 10 Developers, an app that would tell me if Ifunanya can cook Ofe Nsala won’t be a bad idea, I’m tired of people complaining of malnutrition. Sigh. In fact, my research showed that the consumption of noodles and fastfood will greatly reduce, thus producing healthier men to defend the pride of the nation. *sideye to uniport girls*
* An App that can tell a Benin woman she’s looking like the “new masquerade”: A report showed that several men have been hospitalized because they told a Benin woman that her makeup made her look like a carnival queen. Our hospitals are no longer conducive for us, we would like an app to tell these Benin women how fugly thier makeup is without ending at UBTH… Thank you.
* An App that will send twitfight notifications and other similar drama. Mans can be bored during this period unoe, I wouldn’t mind worthy notifications coming in. What say you mahn?
If you think you have any apps that can add value to the kinda life “wey we dey live”, kindly post them in the comments section. Till we relate again, stay jonzing and don’t forget to subscribe to this blog and also follow @PUNSTARR and @OLUWAWANABABA on twitter.
Its my nephew’s 3rd birthday today, feel free to send your presents through me. 🙂
See y’all at Carniriv on Monday… Peace!!! *in thick Ikwerre accent*