Good day, weird ones.
I’m in a bus going from Ilorin to Lagos, and you know what Rihanna said.
“We found love (inspiration) in a hopeless place.”
As I dey so, my yansh dey pain me, so I believe my current status counts as hopeless.
The title of this post is self-descriptive, but just for the sake of van Persie’s stunning freekick against Manchester Shitty, I’ll repeat myself.
This post aims to point out the various types of girls currently in circulation, and how to break up with them if you find yourself in a relationship with them.
This is a post for the boys, so ladies, you can like to close your browser now.
So, without much ado, no ekiti, let’s begin.
1. Short girls: The reason why dating short girls is fun is because they are easy to break up with. If you’re tall, that’s an added bonus.
If the short girl you want to break up with is gentle (which is a rarity), you can always back her down in a corner and scream at her. You have to have your Broyles face on though.
“I am no more interested in you! I’m tired of this relationship! Be gone!”
She’ll probably start crying and run away. Relationship ended, and you’re single again.
If she’s the stubborn short girl (which is the norm), you can’t shout on her. She’ll just stretch out and squeeze the life and after-life out of your testicles. You have to make her see sense.
“Baby, my knees are aching from constantly bending down to your height in all our pictures. I mean, look at Dwayne Wade. This relationship has to end.” You could even print the Wikipedia article on Arthritis to support your claim. Shit is real yo.
After reading the article, she’ll frown a bit, but let you go.
2. Unilag girls: Let me share knowledge with y’all.
“The cerebral cortex of a Unilag girl gradually lose their functions whenever she steps into a place that sells items worth more than N2,000.” – The inference I got from my B.Sc project work.
You want to break up with a Unilag girl? It’s even easier than preventing Torres from scoring. Take her to an expensive eatery. I’ve done this before, so I know. My personal favorite is Debonairs.
Once you order pizza of N3,400, like half of her brain go down shut down. Buy Five Alive to drink, and her mouth go just dey open like tennis tournament.
At this point, she’ll believe anything you say. If you don’t want to waste time, just give her some flimsy excuse like “I was playing Call of Duty and I mistakenly shot the love I have for you and killed it”. She’ll even tell you “Awwwn baby, I’m so sorry.”
Long live Unilag girls.
3. Fat girls: uhm… Why the fuck would you date a fat babe in the first place?
4. Abeokuta girls: I spent one year of my life rotting away in Abeokuta under the name of NYSC, so I know what I’m talking about here.
Abeokuta babes can catch feelings. Choi. These girls can catch feelings more than Dwight Howard be catching alley-oops. I mean, if feelings were footballs and an Abeokuta girl was a goalkeeper, even Messi would not score.
This is weird though, because stories like Cinderella and Snow White never made it to that place. Their own fairy tales are “Ijapa and the Moin-Moin of Life” and shit like that. Back to post though.
Now the easiest way to break up with romantic bitches like this is an equally romantic move. Tell her to put on her phone’s bluetooth, then send her Eamon’s Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back), or Solidstar’s Omotena.
She’ll get the message.
5. Girls that love Moin-Moin: uhm… Why the fuck would you want to break up with a perfect girl?
6. Igbo girls: Listen up, guys. This is fucking important. In short, I’ll type it in caps.
NEVER BREAK UP WITH AN IGBO GIRL FACE-TO-FACE.
Igbo girls are the most violent creatures ever. And they are super strong. I’ve seen an Igbo girl uproot a billboard and go all Derek Jeter on a guy. @RaliaDSugarGirl even slapped me once via Twitter when we we’re still dating. These girls are evil.
Breaking up with Igbo girls is why SMS/MMS/Phone calls/Whatsapp/Facebook/Hi5/Twitter/2go/Badoo/BBM were all invented. You can give her any reason you want for breaking up with her, but just don’t do it to her face.
Or else you find out why Igbo parents wean their daughters with Akpu.
7. Twitter celebs: Now this is hard.
If you’re dating one of those Twitter girls that have more than 2000 followers, breaking up is more of a schematic process, because it requires planning and strategies. You have to get dirt on her. This is hard because she mustn’t know your plans.
First off, are her DMs. Look for the DMs like the one where she was asking her friend to return her bra, and munch. Gather all the nudes she’s ever sent you. Go through her laundry, look for her dirtiest pant (this shit is hard) and take a picture. Go through her BBM and take the pins of the boys in her class/work.
When you’re done gathering material, then you can tell her you want to break up with her. If she wants to act funny, show her all your material and tell her if she doesn’t agree, you will send them to all the pins you got and upload them on Twitter.
She’ll probably mutter something like “you were never kuku useful before”, and she’ll let you go.
I think I’ve covered the major category of girls… If you need help with any other category of girls, just let me know.
I need to go now though, because my ass is fucking aching me.
P.S: This post is dedicated to @madamkoikoi & @dharmiepablo. They gave me a reason to write something. Thanks.