Good day, knuckleheads.
I was about to say “it’s your homeboy Wana”, then a thought hit me like Silent Assassin or Contract.
What is the difference between a homeboy and a houseboy?
First of all, they are both boys. We can agree that much, yeah? But one belongs to a home, while the other belongs to a house.
So the major question now is, what is the difference between a house and home.
“Home is where the heart is” – Marilyn Monroe.
“House is where the work is” – Tonto Dikeh.
So therefore, someone who goes to work in a place is a houseboy, while someone who goes to watch football matches of Heartland FC in a place is a homeboy.
Good day, Immortals.
I didn’t know how to start this post, hence the digression. Pardon me for stalling.
I think I’m also out of Ice Prince bars, so I believe we have seen the last of him on this blog. May he rest in peace.
Ice Prince: I’m going to Milan to chill, call that Interest.
Mahn… *hangs head in shame*
That’s not why we’re here though.
Everybody has heroes. Mentors. People that they look up to, and whose life they model theirs on. This category of people is very elite, and has names like Jesus, Mahatma Gandhi, Dr. Benjamin Carson, Mayowa George, amongst others.
That Mayowa George guy ehn… Everybody just wants to be like him. He’s just too awesome.
*returns to reality*
These “heroes” are not just religious or humanitarian figures but also exist in more devilish sectors like music and entertainment. The Asians have Bruce Lee, the Americans have Chuck Norris, and the Nigerians have Pete Edochie.
You see, Pete Edochie is a great man. Pure legend. Greater than Udeme. Greater than a vegetable grater. Almost as great as Moin-Moin. He is the greatest African movie actor ever.
Majority of you were born yesterday, and thus never witnessed this legend in his prime. But should you wish to pick Uncle Pete as your hero and mentor, have no worry. This post was written specifically just for you. I have created a bunch of scenarios, what you would normally do, and what the legendary Pete Edochie would do.
1. You’re getting whooped at FIFA 13.
Once it’s like the 70th minute (A football match lasts for 90 minutes for you faggots who would rather spend your time watching Big Brother), you’d try to change tactics and throw more players forward in the hope of scoring a few goals and redeeming yourself. Most times this doesn’t work and you end up conceding more goals and being taunted for the rest of your natural life (and if you’re unlucky them fit follow you go Hell/Heaven).
What would Pete Edochie do? Continue playing normally, and if things hadn’t improved by the 85th minute, drop the controller and walk over to the game switch. Put it off and on quickly then shout “Why NEPA dey use light dey play now? And I don almost equalize oh!” Throw a tantrum and walk out of the room angrily for extra effect.
A legend never loses. Ever.
2. You take a girl to the club then another nigga takes her from you.
This can be very demoralizing. You’d want to act like you’re not bothered and move round the entire dancefloor looking for another booty to grab. After 20 minutes of walking around, you then realize that you have no game then you sit down on the floor and start crying and asking God what you did wrong.
What would Pete Edochie do? Walk up to that nigga and take your girl back. Did that nigga pay for her entrance or drinks? Why he gotta take her then? You pull out your knife and tell him, “kind sir, kindly delineate your penile region from the raiment covering my lady’s gluteal muscles because odikwa risky.” Then you pull the bitch outside and dump her on the roadside for being such a unloyal bitch. Then you go home and scoop some vaseline and you fap.
Yeah I forgot to mention. Pete Edochie always carries a Swiss Army Knife with him. This is because he suffers from a disease called Igbonaemia, which causes the person to have abnormal sporadic hair growth all over the body. So he uses the knife to shave the hair off whenever it occurs.
*wipes tear* Awesome, right? :’)
3. You finish eating at a really posh restaurant, then you try to pay with your ATM card and service is out.
Any regular person would start sweating and pulling collar and be like “waiter, please try it again.” After 3 more tries it will change to pidgin. “oga abeg this thing go work try am again”. Another 3 swipes on the POS machine and you enter full-blown Yoruba mode. “baba egbami ejo mi ko, mi o mo eni to ni kin wa jeun ni ibibayi… e fu mi ni abo kin ba yin fo”. If you’re lucky, they’ll actually give you an apron and not flog the hell out of you.
What would Pete Edochie do? Use his eyes. First thing you do is look round the restaurant and create an escape route. This is actually your plan B. Because a real G never runs first. And Pete Edochie is a real G.
Once you have a valid plan of escape, then you turn back at the waiter and give him your best Vin Diesel voice. “Try that card again.” Then you stare at that POS machine. Like you gotta stare at the muthafuckin’ machine and have a muthafuckin’ telepathic conversation with that shii. You gotta tell that machine that the you cannot afford to be embarrassed because there’s a shawty watching who you wanna feed your future kids to. Like you gotta beg that machine with your life.
And if that shit don’t still work, tell the waiter you want to change the card, collect your card, then run like you were the SUG president of Redeemer’s University.
Would have loved to paint more scenarios, but I’m not Picasso, and I have to end this post. Don’t like it when my rants become more than 1000 words, because then it becomes a raaaant, and nobody likes a raaaant.
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Till when next we cross paths like Alex,