LOL.
I swear I have forgotten how to start a blog post. Lord this thing is now hard. I’m growing old.
What better way to break the ice though than to call the Ice Prince. (Please tell me you saw what I did there. Please.)
Ice Prince: I bent Ray Charles in two, call that a blindfold.

As we were.

Last night I was chatting with my girlfriend (her name is Somto and we co-wrote this post), and she came up with this idea of a sex questionnaire. I’m the more awesome one, so I’m the one who had to put the idea into writing.
Somto: To clear the air, I am not a perv and he’s not awesome.
Bleh. She’s just hating.

It sucks how I do everything in our relationship though. We go to watch a movie at the cinemas, I pay. She wants to enter a place, I open the door. Her orgasms? I’m responsible. My orgasms? I’m responsible.

Somto: Lol, my orgasms? Fake.

LOL oh really? The only thing she does is light up my entire world. Urgh.

Somto: Drama queen. Pfft.

Hahahaha. Idiot. Too much digressing.

But on a serious note, wouldn’t you like to be evaluate your sex partners before meeting them, so you don’t get to the room and find out she has 5 nipples?

Wouldn’t you like to know how flexible she is before you kill someone’s child trying to perform The Macau Elevator? (The Macau Elevator is a sex position, in case your brain is slower than a snail on codeine.)

So without further story, we present “The Sex Questionnaire”

Somto: uh.. We? You’re the perv here, I’m just watching.

THE SEX QUESTIONNAIRE

PART I: INTRODUCTION & PHYSICAL EVALUATION

1. What is your full name?

2. How old are you?

3. How long have you been sexually active?

4. How big are your breasts?

5. What is the longest/largest thing you have ever stuck up your vagina?

6. Did you cry when you stuck (5) inside?

7. (a) How flexible are you? (b) Can you be bent in anyway possible?

8. (a) Does any of your body parts enlarge when excited? (b) Where, and how much?

9. (a) Do you have hair in any place you shouldn’t have? (b) Where, and how much?

10. Do you squirt?

11. (a) Are all the holes in your body “violatable”? (b) Do you have any holes that are off limits?

12. How many nipples do you have?

PART II: FOREPLAY & MAKING OUT

1. Do you like neck kisses?

2. What part of your body is most sensitive?

3. Do you like to start from the couch and move to the bed or start from the bed?

4. (a) Do you have any problems with me tearing your clothes off in the heat of the moment? (b) Will you ask me for money to repair any damaged clothing?

5. Do you like your kisses with saliva or not?

6. (a) Do you like your kisses with tongue or not? (b) If yes, how much tongue?

7. (a) Do you open your eyes when kissing? (b) If yes, what exactly are you looking at?

7.  (a) Do you like biting? (b) Do you bite? (c) On a scale of 1 to Clifford Orji, how much do you bite?

8. (a) Can you give head? (b) On a scale of 1 to Jada Fire, how tight is your head game?

PART III: KPANSHING

1. Do you like it fast or slow?

2. Do you prefers condoms or skin-to-skin?

3.  Do you have AIDS or any other sexually transmitted diseases? If yes, please specify.

4. (a) Do you make any sounds during kpanshing? (b) Do you classify your sounds as moaning or grunting?

5. On a scale of 1 to roadside churches in Mushin, how loud are you?

6. (a) Do you call on God or any other divine being during kpanshing? (b) Are you aware that such will hasten your punishment?

7. Do you ask questions like “How do you really feel about me?” during kpanshing?

8. (a) Do you talk dirty? (b) If yes, sexy dirty or Oshodi dirty?

9. (a) How many rounds can you go? (b) If more than 5, please stop filling this form and get away. Oloriburuku apayan.

—————–

Please provide honest and accurate answers as you shall be dealt with if your answers prove to be false.

Somto: Why don’t we have a “how did it feel?” section. I mean if we’re going to give you our life history might as well give our thoughts on what you did.. Or in your case, didn’t.. Bring to the table. Ey?

Stupid girl.

Shout-out to Somto for her immense help on this post. She blogs here, and her Twitter is @madamkoikoi. Do not stalk.

Somto: Uh. Channing Tatum, if you’re reading this, he’s not my boyfriend and I’m totally available for you 😉 ;). Bye!

Till I get inspiration, no 92.3.

Later, bitches.

Advertisements