Why is it difficult for men all over the world to understand women?
**A research paper presented by Niro at the World Male Congress, September 2089**
The President General of the World Male Congress,
Secretary-General of the World Male Congress,
Distinguished Gentlemen of the press,
Gentlemen members of the this galaxy,
Gentlemen Male species.
All protocols duly observed.
In the words of great men like George Best, Eric Cantona, David Beckham, Cristiano Ronaldo, “a woman is the greatest threat to the existence of peace and unity in the human race”. I didn’t say that, these Manchester United icons said so. Well, if they wrote this post, they’d be saying exactly the same thing.
Before we continue, I’d like to define a woman as, “any female human species that undergoes a periodic flow of blood (except when pregnant) and possesses breasts (regardless of size).” Niro Bertram (1978: Harper Collins, 37-50)
With the above definition, we have established that tomboys, she-males etc are females and should be regarded as such going forward.
So how did women come about? Well, the Bible gives us the clearest origin in the book of Genesis, “And God put Adam to sleep and took a rib from him… And he formed a partner for him… And Adam saw it, and he called it, Woman, for you were taken out of my rib.” Voila! I guess you didn’t know this until today. Or did you?
The female species is a very captivating species, very unpredictable, yet a very necessary evil. (Someone has to carry the babies innit?) Some have even become the reason why we celebrate some of the country’s finest singing/dancing talents. One named Peter, One named Paul.
They’ve been known to become the cause of the demise of some of the world’s greatest men; The dark shades general, Bathsheba’s real husband (Uriah), Samson and Adam to mention but a few.
Have you ever stopped for a minute to imagine what a world without women would have looked like? No? Well, that’s why we’re here. We think and imagine on your behalf while you contribute to your pastor’s private jet fund.
1. Global peace.
If God hadn’t taken one of Adam’s rib. The world would have been saner to live in, because there would not exist such a thing as temptation. The serpent would have stayed on its lane jejely because Adam equally possessed a serpent albeit joined to his body.
2. There would be no mention of “red bottoms”.
The only red bottoms that we would ever have to make mention of would have been the ones present behind the male chimpanzee.
3. There would be no periods.
The only period we would have heard of would have been this “.”, and maybe “break period”, half-time, extra time etc. PS: These are all periods in a football match.
4. Low noise levels.
The fact that the noise level on planet would have been very low. Why? Who do you think blare horns incessantly on the streets of Lagos? Women. Who shouts someone’s name to bring her the remote control when the remote control is on the floor in front of her? Women. What makes a bachelor put on his generator even when he knows he’s using his last ₦2000 to buy fuel? Women that need to charge their phones.
5. There would be no Africa Magic/Nollywood.
Nollywood was created by Nigerian women, for Nigerian women to counter the effects of males being addicted to Football (Soccer).
According to a research carried out by a cable company sometime in 2013, Nollywood has contributed greatly (at least 90%) to the low level of intellectual reasoning in males 9-15years that watched Nollywood movies for extended periods of time (more than 30 seconds). A world without women would therefore lead to a world without Nollywood.
6. There would be no Make Up.
Further more, if there were no women in the world, there would be no make-up (Mary Kay, Mud, Elizabeth Arden etc) and if there was no make up, there would be no Benin women painting their faces like tribal warriors going to fight intertribal wars. Thus, the world would have being a better place to live in.
7. There would be no Call tariffs.
When Alexander Graham bell invented the telephone, there were no call tariffs, none whatsoever, until females discovered the telephone and MTN introduced pay-as-you-go.
Word on the streets even have it that call tariffs were introduced in the early 40’s by Mazi Adolf Hitler as a means to checkmate the level at which German females sold out Nazi secrets to American soldiers. In conclusion, we would have been able to make unlimited calls, but females happened.
8. There would be no Ugw… Never mind.
In conclusion gentlemen members of the World Male Congress, it has been noted that women pose a great threat to our existence and therefore in order to keep these threats minimal, I have decided to take it upon myself to gather women from all over the world, and keep them in a safe place, in my house. They shall remain there and I shall make sure that even though we have 99 problems, a female isn’t going to be one.
In a country were things aren’t working and people are being murdered in their sleep, please take out time and pray for Nigeria. But don’t just pray, do something positive to change the situation.
Meanwhile, download the latest episode of “The Heavy Rotation Mixes” by DJ Niro HERE
This presentation is a work of fiction and any resemblance to any person, group of persons or species is deeply regretted.
I do not know the name of any makeup company.
Benin women actually do apply makeup like tribal warriors. They desperately need lessons in applying makeup.
If you think we don’t women on earth, you’re part of Nigeria’s problems.
I actually do have 99 problems. Afang soup is one.
Michael Owen and Antonio Valencia are intentionally omitted from the list of Manchester United number 7 icons.
Igbo women are the… best.