If at this point in your life you don’t know what an app is, or you still call an app, a software… you are definitely why Nigeria is still in the third world. Well, for the benefit of those who have decided not to learn I would a brief definition of an app.

apps. more apps

An application or app ( pronounced as /ap/) is a self-contained program or piece of software designed to fulfil a particular purpose, either for messaging, travel, entertainment or information. Examples of app include Whatsapp, iBooks, Jandus Radio, BBM etc.

Moving on…

In the past few months, apps have become part and parcel of our daily lives and some of us cannot even do without these apps, especially the social media apps (tweetbot, ScopeApp, Twitter for Blackberry etc), in fact, I’m sure some people will fall sick if they wake up tomorrow and they cannot send a tweet or read their tweets. In fact, there is now a debate about the availability of apps for every thing we need to do. E.g, there is an app to show you directions to go anywhere you aren’t familiar with, Google Maps; There is an app to check the distance we have covered during our daily runs, Nike+ Ipod; an app to tell us the current weather situation and much more.

In fact, before you do anything the first question that comes to mind is, “Is there an app for that?”

That being said, the app industry is a potential revenue generator for willing investors and developers. You think I’m joking? Then try calculating the amount of money that would have been earned if someone got paid $1 each time the BBM app was downloaded on the day of its final release (PS: The app got downloaded 10 million times in 24 hours)

Now let’s do the maths (I hate Maths by the way, but this is money).

Price of one app = $1 per download.

Number of downloads = 10 million

Using simple multiplication,

Therefore revenue from apps = $1 x 10 million units = $10,000,000

Well this is just a thought, but imagine what $10m can do to your life right now and then you would understand where I’m coming from.

Because I see myself as a philanthropist, and I always seek ways to generously donate ideas to the public, I have decided to give out not one, but ten free app ideas for all you app enthusiasts and smartphone owners to ponder on. These are the apps that will make life easier.

An app that tells you when a chick is off-limits

How many times do you want to take a chick on a “ride” and then somehow you discover she is totally off limits (or you’re too broke to afford her).  So yea, we’re gonna need an app that tells you that light skinned babe sitting at the table alone isn’t really “alone”, she might just be waiting for that baritone voice that will whisper “I’m sorry, I’m late”. Styl Plus anybody?

yup, they're off limits
yup, they’re off limits

An app that updates you with an accent of your choice

Just imagine being able to change your accent (read as phoneh) at the touch of a button. Like you can just change from bri’ish to ‘merican at the speed of light. Amazeballs

Now with all the drama that greeted Twitter Nigeria over the weekend or so, it would be nice if someone from CcHub decides to pursue an app that downloads the latest accent pack. You never know when you would run into a Twitter follower.

The fear of slander is real yo.

british accent

An app that prepares egusi and pounded yam, while you wait.

Y’all know egusi soup and pounded yam won’t make itself yea? Well, that is why someone needs to come up with an app that does a wait-and-take kind of steez egusi and pounded yam for the men dem

If you smiled even a little when you saw this heading, hold that smile bro, you are very single. That being said, speaking for the over 30 million single men in Nigeria, we would like to appeal for an app that can make egusi. Wait there’s already an app for that – a wife (read as sidechick).

Man this new app would make egusi soup in ten minutes :)
Man this new app would make egusi soup in ten minutes 🙂

An app that can be used to detect when your partner is cheating

Some of you are just terrible, your partner does not pick up your phone the first time you call her and you start assuming she’s having the ride of her life (no okada). And that is where 90% of relationships start falling apart.

Therefore to stem this tide (I just learnt this phrase), iOS developers should please come up with an app that tells you automatically if a partner is cheating. No stories. We are tired of people complaining of infidelity in their civil partnerships.

yup he is cheating
yup he is cheating

An app that can be used to detect when a government official is not telling the truth

You statements like, “I did not have sexual relationships with that woman”, “The government is working hard to ensure that 30,000 megawatts of electricity will be generated in 2013”, and “The government is broke” are the ones responsible for the current state of the world economy right?

So wouldn’t it be nice if we had an app we could keep close to our television while watching those political broadcasts and it automatically beeps when a lie is told? Think of all the nerves that will be calmed when this happens. Think of the global peace that will arise.

Think people, think.

i did not have sexual relations
Yes you did

An app that can tell you exactly what a girl is thinking

“What is she thinking?”, “Did I say anything wrong?”, “Is she going to lock me outside tonight?”, “Do I really have to tell her her ass isn’t getting big?”

These are some of the numerous questions that plague the mind of a man in a civil partnership with someone of the opposite sex everyday. You can never tell what a woman is thinking or what she wants you to say when she tells you, “Does this LBD fit perfectly?”.

Now throw in an app that tells you what she is thinking and voila! the world becomes a better place. Now you know that when she asks you, “Is the food tasty?”, you know that you’re supposed to respond with, “So tasty I’m putting up on Instagram right away!”

I see your future
lekwa ukwu!!!

Good thinking eh? 🙂

An app that can be used to pick beans

Have you ever been enjoying a wonderful meal of ewa agoyin that was unduly interrupted by a pile of rocks buried beneath the surface of the beauty that is beans and dodo? If your answer is no, you are telling a lie.

But if your answer is yes, then you my friend are going to need an app that picks 5,000,000 grains or 5 cups of beans per minute. Think of all the hours that will be saved, all  the hunger that will be quenched.

This is going to be the invention of the decade.

This is only but a dream though.

An app that reminds you of your girlfriend’s birthday, her cat’s mother’s funeral date and others…

There are some problems facebook birthday reminders cannot solve, and this happens to be one of them. Check out this scenario.

Girlfriend: Hello dear, are you sick?

Boyfriend: No sweetie, except you want to include missing you to your already long list of ailments 🙂

Girlfriend: Oh, so you’re not sick, you’re not dead and you didn’t know today was my cat’s birthday? You’re so insensitive, uncaring and good for nothing. I am sorry, you are not good enough.

you do need a maaaaan
you do need a maaaaan

Boyfriend: mutters Dear lord.

An app that makes a baby to stop crying

Babies are so adorable, we all know that. But majority of us (read this as all of us) hate when babies just throw tantrums and start crying like they just saw a ghost (you won’t blame them though, who send you?) and go on disturbing the peace without a clue as to what is bothering them. Most of the time, the breast app comes handy (I said this with sincerity <_<) but then, we desperately need an app that will come to our aid when Daphne begins crying like she’s trying to cause a flood with her tears.

Think of all the uncles worldwide that wouldn’t need to run away from their little nephews and nieces or the fathers that will happily take their toddler to work with full assurance that they won’t bring down the office building.

Think people, think.

An app that can predict the future

Like every well meaning Nigerian, I seriously want to know if Nigeria will become one of the world’s most developed economies by the year 2020. I also want to know when David Moyes is going to sign new players since the ones we have presently aren’t world class. 

An app that will tell us these things would go a long way to prevent unnecessary high blood pressure that uncertainty causes. Imagine watching Arsenal fans brag about how they are at the top of the Premiership table and then calming their nerves by showing them the future when they came fourth. Epic moment bro, just epic.

I see your future
I see your future

That’s all for now folks. If you have any app ideas, use the comment box these CcHub guys might just pay for your idea. You never know these things.

Until next time, keep winning.

Your man,