It’s been six weeks, three days and eighteen hours since I planned to write you this letter and each time I have successfully put this off until today.
Before I continue, there are a few things you ought to know, chief amongst which is the fact that you will be born a Nigerian as I have not been able to secure a blue or red “pali” that will make you a citizen of either the United Kingdom or the United States. Not to worry, you can still get that citizenship if your mum thinks it’s best for her to have you in Obama’s country.
Speaking of Obeezle, I’m sorry I’ve failed you as a father and you were not born in the second tenure of his presidency; I promise I’ll keep a record of all those awesome videos from “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” and “Between Two Ferns”. But hey, we aren’t here to talk about America, we are here to talk about being broke.
In Nigeria, being broke is a disease. And by being broke, I don’t mean “I do not have ₦50 in my wallet to buy agege bread” kind of being broke. In this country, being broke goes a whole lot more than that. I’m sorry I cannot give you the exact per-capita income of our great country right now, but trust me, do not trust your economic teachers when I finally ship you back to UNIBEN to pass through life the way I did. This county’s economic realities defy all rational theories.
Bring out your stylus and start taking notes, please note this points carefully, they’ll be very useful for you.
1. Know plenty people!
I don’t care who they are, whether they are security guards or bank executives, know plenty people!!
You don’t want to enter Zenith Bank and stand in the queue for twenty minutes and watch someone stroll in and make a tranfer before you. What if the money was meant for your wife’s aso ebi and you know how these people behave, they’ll tear you to pieces when you don’t deliver on time (even when they will rather spend two hours in front of a mirror imitating Michael Angelo, than getting their behinds in the car and get to wherever it is they’re meant to be).
2. Take social networks with a pinch of salt
Social networks are these websites /apps that help you set seamless dates and talk rudely to your future boss because you have access to blackberry internet; they’re even referred to as the holy grail of marketing (I don’t know what that means).
As much as it helped me score some numbers in my days, I must admit, it is a trap. People have been killed, revolutions have been started, people have landed $100,000 jobs (by replying just a tweet, no interview or application).
So my son, be very careful, and as the saying goes, “he who has ears, let him hear.”
3. Build your dreams
In this country, you either build your dreams or get hired by someone to help build theirs. But here’s the sweet point, people will pay you to build their dreams; the problem is getting to build the right dreams for the right people. Yes, there are assistants and there are assistants, you wouldn’t compare Otunba Dangote’s assistant with my current assistant that hasn’t been paid salary ever. Heed my words.
4. Know how to talk your way out of problems
If you ever have 99 problems, getting out of a situation should never be one of them as a human inhaling oxygen in Nigeria.In fact, there are some keywords that can get you out of any situation in Nigeria – sometimes you may have to waste saliva and give an ode to a Nightingale you know nothing of her existence, but at other times you just have to lean back, pull out a wad of Naira notes and move on with the business of the day.
Others include, buy that bullet proof if you ever get into public office and I’ll guarantee you, “nothing go happen”; Buy those oil blocs when you can; if everything fails, become a pastor; form a political party and sweep the country etc.
If you follow this simple process, I can guarantee you that it’ll take a while before you go bankrupt, trust me you don’t want that to happen to you.
I would like to continue, but I’m hungry and there’s no power for me to charge this device if it goes off.
Until next time,