Being broke in Nigeria is a serious crime in case you never knew. And like every other crime, it doesn’t go unpunished. Your family will laugh at you, your friends will desert you; and your case will be worse than the woman with the issue of blood. In Nigeria, you don’t want to be broke.

Someone once asked me what I’ll do if I woke one day after collecting ₦19,800 from the FG and I found out I was broke and their were no jobs to look forward to; and as is the case in Nigeria, no social security money coming in. To be honest, I didn’t take it lightly, in fact, I was apprehensive for the next few hours after that conversation. But then I remembered I’m a Nigerian and we always bounce back from seeming defeat.

So I’ve decided to think for y’all so when you find yourself in this situation. There are plenty other options, but I have selected a few that I think do not require as much stress as Lagos offers.

So grab you popcorn, get your 3D glasses on; this will be one hell of a ride!

Oil bunkery: Have you ever thought of this? All (99%) of the people that have been accused of oil theft in the Niger Delta have just gone back into oblivion, poof! gone like magic, where are they now? Wait let me help you out… They’re chilled in their lush apartments reaping the fruits of their “labour” and some of them even have political advisory positions and are flown in from Benin republic in presidential aircraft. I did not call names.

oil barrels

Militancy: If you’re like me and you come from a place in Nigeria called the Niger Delta area, It means everywhere that you’ll go, people already have a stereotype attached to your personality… Militancy. Now while I’d love for you to prove them wrong… but, in the event that you’re about to go broke, gladly pick up your arms and run to the creeks and make sure to garner enough oil to power a two countries, sixty cities and two hundred towns.

One thing I love about this country that issues a green passport (that will get you smooched in the name of security search at major airports) and that is the fact that somehow we all fear the people that force us and bomb is to get what they want, as against the people that will sit down with us and talk like humans should do. So maybe if you threaten the government, you and your foot soldiers will be put on a permanent government payroll for doing nothing, and possibly sent for trainings abroad; all on taxpayers money. Easy money.

private-jet-trips
I didn’t see nobody

Become a politician not because you want to lead this country to the promised land or because you care about “change”, functional governments, economy stability and or whatever it is that will become mainstream when you are ready for that political move; but because you cannot afford to go broke.

And before you go ahead and tell me how I’m the type that’s impeding the growth of this country, let me ask you a question, “how many legislators will willingly run for the senate if they were not going to be paid or benefit from Farouk-ing?” Or how many of these political office holders will gladly sit with people they don’t like in the name of national confab if they were not in line for a big payday? Questions my people, questions.

nigerian politiciam
a good nigerian politician

You can become a policeman, even though we all know that in your right frame of mind you wouldn’t want to be a cop; but when the water in the kettle becomes more than garri in the bag, you’ll understand that cops have “taken” police funds and are still walking free in this country and maybe given a Medal of Honor in the next few years for their meritorious service to the state of Nigeria. I’d like a medal, wouldn’t you?

the police is your friend
the police is your friend…?

Open a telecom company and exploit millions of Nigerians by using their phone numbers for advertising and still offer them shitty services because nobody’s going to hold me responsible for my actions and the victims don’t know who to turn to. See Facebook and Twitter advertising has got nothing on this telecom providers.

How you intend to get the funds? I do not know, but I know, “Necessity is the mother of invention”; and just in case you’re finding that too tasking…

..You could open a Nigerian airline, Set prices at any amount I deem fit, offer shity services; cancel flights at random; delay flights when I can and even decide to put passengers on the wrong plane for the fuck of it. You do not offer refunds, and you do not give a $#!# if the passengers just missed their very important job interview. This is Nigeria, anything can happen!

Open a filling station (fuel station)… and sell petroleum products at arbitrary prices and when (if) anybody complains, please don’t fail to remind them that even though their country explores crude oil you’re doing them a huge favour by making sure the refineries don’t work so you can export the crude oil to Europe, refine it and import it back to Nigeria while collecting subsidies before going on to make petrol available for as little as ₦180 per litre (as per dollar exchange rate and things). They should be grateful.

You could open a centre for space travel and propulsion in Nigeria even though I know the country is still far from making its own shuttles and even when we make them abroad and send them to orbit, they will do the MH370 and disappear without trace.

Bottom line, make money from doing nothing actually, retire and start collecting free retirement benefits from the government; if an equally corrupt person doesn’t come and change my parade and run away with my pension fund.

Last but not least on the list is bribing your way into the Federal Road Safety Commission and find yourself in the exact department that is responsible for license plates and driver’s licenses; introduce a new license plate system by changing the position of the flag from left to right and changing the fonts which the name of the states are written in, then give an ultimatum and proceed to coerce tax paying Nigerians to change to the new plates or face the wrath of the “law”. They can’t stop your shine!

nigerian-license-plates

So there we go, all the ways you can make money in Nigeria (without directly killing anybody in the process), do try them out and let me know when you hit the jackpot. and like my country people will say, “we do not accept bribes” but we will accept any form of thanks (in cash) if any of these methods work for you.

Until next time,

Niro

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