Hey guys!

It’s been a while anyone wrote anything here, we’ve been busy. Wana’s making money at Nobs HQ, I’m strutting around the country looking for where to put my head and well our one time columnist @janus_aneni has refused to give us one more round of laughter. So I’ve stepped up to the challenge.

Sometime ago, I went through my phone and found out that I got the most love from people on the day they think I was born. But then I noticed some other thing after that, there is a set of stereotypes that have been associated with celebrating birthdays in Nigeria, especially with the advent of social media. *cough*

I’m not from far back from the 80’s, but I can remember that growing up celebrating your birthday was kind of a real deal. Literally. You had your mom bake you a cake with those small multicolored candles, the same with your age; or in my case a special pot of rice and stew with an extra piece of meat for everybody. Really special feeling; really special event.

That was back then.

But things have changed, birthdays are now a shadow of the glory days. Everything don scatter, e don dabaru. O ti baje!

If you’re a Nigerian, the following would be very familiar to you, but if you’re not one of us, this is an example of what your birthday shouldn’t be like.

1. Generic texts from the bank which would remain the same for some years. In my case, Zenith Bank will send you birthday wish in uppercase and tell you thanks for partnering with them, then Diamond Bank will copy and paste the same message they send to their other customers.. Such harlotry.

2. Without prior warning, Facebook will send you dozens of notifications just because it’s your birthday and people that haven’t interacted with you for 364 days have posted on your wall. So much for friends. My solution, turn off wall posting. No time.

3. Like the Facebook comrades above, people who haven’t called you in ages and you think they’ve lost your phone number(s) will call you and ask where you’re throwing a party. No birthday wish whatsoever. Just “Where are we coming to drink?”

4. Everybody that you know on BBM suddenly looks like you. I mean the same people that will ignore your “hi”, “what’s up”, “how far” during the days when you needed some sort of amusement from them will now use a photo of you as their display pictures and start prophesying into your life. And some won’t even be polite enough to send you a personal message, but will think writing “HBD Bisi” on their status is good enough.

5. Depending on who you are and who your friends are, your birthday is when you get the most abbreviations thrown at you. For example, HBD, LLNP, GGUMB. Some of you are even unlucky, you get a full sentence made of abbreviations, “HBD Ade, WULLNP GGMUB”. This is not fiction. This actually happened.

That’s all folks, don’t let these things deter you. Tell your friends when it’s your birthday, call your friends and have one hell of a turn up session!