the-nigerian-nightmare

You would think that man up there sitting on the floor wondering why no football club wants to pay for his services is the worst thing that can happen to a country, but I’m sitting here rubbing my belly in anger because the food I just ate used to cost me N300, but somehow I had just paid about four times the regular amount because I couldn’t find any decent buka around the corner to fulfill my carnal desire of vegetable soup and pounded yam.

This got me thinking like Mikel, about  a lot of the frustrations I have been going through these past few weeks. These made me ask myself;

1. Why is it so frustrating to be a Nigerian living in… Nigeria?

2. Why do things always have to go south when you want them to go North?

3. Why did paypal take forever to berth in Nigeria?

4. Why does Amazon not want to ship my order to Lagos?

5. Why does N200 amala leave you asking for more?

To the last four questions, I made an  attempt at providing logical answers to, but that first question, “Why Nigeria wants me dead before I have a chance to join a political party and accuse the opposition of refusing Amazon to offer free delivery to Nigeria”, there’s not an end in sight and I’m still going to have to wait a little longer.

You might think living in your home country and not bothering about immigration laws and other laws that are supposed to keep strangers away will be a good thing, but turns out it’s worse than you think. You’re not any better than the expatriate working in Soku field and ironically has police escorts to guide him as he slides to his $2000 a day paycheck.

This is not even helped by the realization that the same police escort that will readily go #Allin for the expat (which is like a side gig) would not even make an attempt to respond if a fellow countryman were to be robbed at machete point in Brass or Sagbama. These are the same people that will hassle you for N100 bribe when you drive your jalopy without causing traffic or emitting Co2 into the atmosphere, but will “dobale’ for that bald Filipino who wouldn’t care a cent if they wear wearing clothes.

Double standards. Double wahala.

And you would think it’s only the policemen that cause trouble, NO, even the citizens don’t help matters. From the guy at the BRT station trying to con you of your change, to the bus conductor who will swear by his future kids that he doesn’t have change so he can take your N900 change, to even the cab driver who will rather stay in the sun than take you from Gbagada to Lekki for N1500 and then go home at the end of the day empty handed. Everywhere you look, there’s someone trying everything possible to make sure that you don’t have any form of joy or if you manage to be happy, make sure that happiness is shortlived.

Are we going to talk about the banks?

Where will I start? GTBank? FCMB? FirstBank? It’s either they’re are charging you for some obscene service like “email checking” or just debiting you wrongly. Twice. You then begin to wonder how all these banks still manage to get recognized globally as “Africa’s most performing bank”, “Africa’s SME Bank of the year” and so many other annoying awards that make the bile in my stomach rise above accepted levels. They want to squeeze the life out of you.

And then there are those people that think you are the cause of their family problems and so they think it’s okay to call you in the middle of the day asking you to come and join a networking business that would make you squeeze any money the government has not taken in taxes out of your bank account. I am going to state this, if anybody asks you to come and join any networking business, you better make sure they’re talking about computer networking with servers, router and whatnot.. or else they should get behind you. And stay away.

When I was growing up, the story was easy… Go to school, get a good degree and start a career. Now I have done a little growing up, and all I think of was why I didn’t go and play football so I could have at least gotten free $130,000 for exercising and keeping fit. The even more annoying thing is the fact that John Obi Mikel, with all his sluggishness is going to be part of the people benefiting from that generosity. Jesus wept.

I’ve got a ceremony to attend, let me not kill my mood before I get to the ceremony and I can’t dance (and eat of course).

Until next time, brace up;

The Elections are coming.

PS. If your father, grand father, great grand father, cousin, mother or any distant relative needs digital marketing strategy (social media services), holla at me on twitter @DJNIRO84 and I will I get you a good deal.

2. I have plenty of shirt designs that I’m yet to print, if you know someone that could do REALLY GOOD custom shirts using my graphics, please direct them to niro@nirobertram.com.

3. If you are looking to make bad decisions this summer… Please make sure you’re at least 18 years old, so you can serve jail time appropriately.

 

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