Magic.

*singing B.o.B’s Magic with mouth full of Moin-Moin*

“I got the magic in me… Every time you open my blog, your browser turns into gold…”

Sup y’all?

It has been quite a while since I ranted, and I just wanted to make sure I hadn’t lost my Touch. The phone has been annoying me since…

So what’s good nah?

*stares blankly at phone*

Rants never start well. *sigh*

This particular rant has a subject though (see post title), but before I get into that, I know you all have been dying to know how I’ve been.

I’ve been awesome!!! *Jacob Black grin*

Yes… That reminds me… *stands up* *clears throat*

Good day, everybody. My name is Mayowa George, and I’m a Twilight addict.

OMG!!! That shii is so fuckin’ awesome… *hyperventilates* *calms down*

I stole a hardcover copy of Breaking Dawn from my darling bitch @Kemmiiii, but I didn’t want to get lost, so I had to go see the movie of Twilight, and read PDF versions of New Moon and Eclipse.

Harry Potter is about to be displaced as my favorite book series ever.

Twilight has a little more action than J.K. Rowling’s books, and a lot more romance. It’s like Stephenie Meyer combined the Underworld trilogy and A Cinderella Story. The effect is just… Moin-Moiny.

*sigh*

What else in new in my life?

I’m now a columnist for 360nobs. I don’t want to spoil all the fun by letting the pussy out of the pant (or is it bag?), but y’all should expect something major. #NuffSaid.

I’m relying on the support y’all have been showing me since the inception of this muthafucker. Loads of things won’t have been possible without all you bitches.

Thanks y’all.

*deletes previous line*

A gangsta never shows gratitude. *pops collar like Eric Cantona*

Ice Prince: We don’t drink Gulder. We only drink Star in my gang, that’s why we’re gangstas.

I wonder when I’ll stop picking on Ice Prince… Nigga isn’t as bad as you people make him out to be… Magician is even one of the most played tunes on my phone.

*looks at Bukunmi* So Baby let me do you like a Magician… *looks away*

*sigh*

Onto the subject of my rant.

Magic.

I’ve been in Abeokuta for roughly 5 months, and I’ve seen things. Please raise your hand if you’ve seen ice blocks fall from the sky.

Nobody?

Guessed as much.

I’m normally not a superstitious person, but I’ve seen a lot of things that have made me really respect the fact that magic, or jazz/juju (like razz folks like @Rinolee call it) exists and is all around us.

Defense, please bring forward your exhibits.

Exhibit A: Didier Drogba.

This nigga is the epitome of jazz. His babalawo, until the emergence of Demba Ba’s and Papis Cisse’s babalawo, was the uncontested king of African Magic. Ever since the moment the Ivorian striker set foot in Stamford bridge, his babalawo has been whipping up potion after potion to ensure Didier Drogba was the best African striker of his time.

Unconfirmed sources have even proved that his real name is Didiyemi Aderogba, and that he was, in fact, born in Sagamu, Ogun State, which is the juju capital of Nigeria.

Ever since Didier Drogba became a Chelsea player, no other striker has been as successful as him. Of which, the list has been impressive. We’re talking attackers like:

Adrian Mutu, Herman Crespo, Ricardo Quaresma, Majeta Kezman, Claudio Pizarro, Andriy Shevchenko (a Ballon d’Or winner), Alhaji Anelka (whose constant prayers helped him shine a bit) and the moin-moin nylon that they bought for 50 million pounds.

We haven’t even started.

Another proof of his extensive use of juju is Didier Drogba’s strength. This nigga is 35 years old, and he uses his chest to control goal-kicks.

Do you know how the amount of force a ball comes to the ground when it’s kicked with that much force and it is pulled down by another force (gravity)?

Nigga doesn’t bother about rib fractures and shii… No wonder Abeokuta boys call him “1000 Chests”.

*sigh*

For those who aren’t familiar with football, let me introduce you to Nemanja Vidic.

Nemanja Vidic is a 30-year old (5 years younger than Drogba) Serbian, who is the captain and plays central defense for Manchester United. Serbians, due to their paranormal strength, are playfully regarded as relatives of the Spartans.

Now, let me give you a fun fact: Whenever both sides meet, Didier Drogba bullies Nemanja Vidic with ease.

I say no more.

Defense, second exhibit please.

Exhibit B: The Samsung Galaxy S III.

I stopped trying to figure out technology a long time ago. I stopped trying to understand how I could speak into a small piece of plastic and someone miles away would hear me. I stopped trying to figure out how the Internet worked.

Some weeks ago, I was browsing the features of the Samsung Galaxy S III, and I saw something that caught my eye.

Samsung was planning on introducing a “wireless charger”.

I was too dazed to scream.

I’ve never been a gadget freak (my heart belongs to Moin-Moin and Isabella Swan), but come on!!! A wireless charger?

This reeks of one word. Magic. Magic. Loads of Magic.

How will electric current supposed to charge my battery fly through the air to enter my phone? Abi the bars go do Pole Vault from the charger to my battery? When did charging my phone become an Olympic event?

You cannot tell me this does not smell of a white babalawo’s handiwork.

Look around. Magic is everywhere.

Be careful. Be safe.

Crucio!

*insert Voldemort laugh* *walks away feeling like Samurai Jack after he just used the toilet*

P.S.: Moin-Moin was supposed to be exhibit A, but I promised to write it as a full-length post for @FrankUgo_, so go stalk his blog.

An Icy Mystery

*insert Pinky and the Brain soundtrack*

Good day, everyone. Welcome to another edition of News on The Hour. I’m your anchor, Oluwawana Dangote.

On to the major story of the hour.

According to our sources, blocks of ice were seen falling from the sky in God’s own village, Abeokuta, during yesterday’s rain. Given that Abeokuta is one of the razzest places on the Nigerian map, we are forced to discuss what could make such a cool something happen in such an uncool place. If it happened in Lagos, we wouldn’t have been bothered.

But since this awesome incident happened in Abeokuta, we have to investigate what led to it. And to help us with that, are our panel of experts from all around the world.

First off, we have a pastor from one of the major churches in Nigeria. Pastor, can you tell us what could have caused ice blocks to fall from the sky?

Pastor: That was the sins of the people coming down to haunt them.

Wana: Sins, you say?

Pastor: Yes. Every time you sin, a drop of water goes into the sky. If you masturbate with Vaseline, 2 drops go into the sky. If you masturbate with diesel, 5 drops go up. If you celebrate anytime Chelsea scores a goal, 20 drops. If you insult the greatness of Moin-Moin, a whole bucket of water goes up.

Whenever the clouds can no longer hold this sins, it allows them to fall back to the Earth as rain. But it seems someone in Abeokuta has been telling some really cool stories, which made the sins to solidify to ice and fall as blocks of ice.

Wana: Wow. Thank you, Pastor. We really appreciate your time and knowledge.

Our next guest is NASA astronaut Daniel Anderson. Mr Anderson, can you please tell us what could have led to this unusual phenomenom. Mr Anderson, your thoughts?

Daniel Anderson: Yes… Uh uhn… Let me tell you the koko… The koko is that, we at NASA suspect the “ice blocks” you see are fragments of the moon. We believe that these fragments were displaced by a round leather ball that hit the moon after it was set into orbit by Real Madrid defender Sergio Ramos while he was filming an advert for Power Horse during the Champions League semi-final.

Wana: Yes… I remember that incident… I actually thought he was trying to use the ball to pluck cashew from a tree outside the stadium…

Daniel Anderson: No… As shocking as it may seem this is the truth. The particles broke down into smaller and smaller pieces, cooled when they were in the stratosphere, and fell through the atmosphere in Abeokuta as blocks of ice.

Wana: Wow… Thank your for time and expertise, Mr Anderson. It was really appreciated.

You have now heard the views of two of our experts. After the commercial break, we shall speak to two more analysts about the cause of the icy mystery.

*enter Terdoh and Kelvin singing “Garri Ijebu is good for you, good for you, good for you. Garri Ijebu is good for you so drink it well oh* *Kelvin does Azonto* *Both exit*

Wana: Yes… That was a message from our sponsor… Garri Ijebu is good for the body… For stronger bone(r)s, drink Garri Ijebu.

Onto our next guest. His name is Alfa Lockdown, and he is a technician at Boko Haram & Sons Ltd. Alfa Lockdown, what do you think happened in Abeokuta yesterday evening?

Alfa Lockdown: Let me tell you the real story. There used to be this boy working for my company that killed himself because we told him there would be 72 virgins waiting for him when he dies.

Wana: Hold on a bit… You promise people that you’ll give them 72 virgins to make them do your work?

Alfa Lockdown: Before nko? If you know the kind of konji wey dey hook all those Hausa boys… Konji wey be say if cow see them, the cow go run commot… Why do you think they find it easy to herd cattle?

Wana: Wow. Go on please.

Alfa Lockdown: So the boy got to the after-life, and waited for his 72 virgins. As the boy come dey wait, na so him konji dey rise. After he don tire to dey wait, na him the nigga begin masturbate. After over 4 months of continuous solid, liquid and gaseous stroking, my nigga finally pour sha. Na the thing wey him pour na him fall ontop una head so. *holds laugh*

Wana: Wow. Thank you for very much much for your opinion, Alfa Lockdown.

And yes, we have one more guest in the studio to share his views on what could have happened. Please join me, Ice Prince.

Ice Prince: Yo’ Wana! Sup my nigga? How’s it hanging?

Wana: It’s hanging very well, Sir. So, Ice Prince, tell us. Why do you think blocks of ice fell from the sky yesterday in Abeokuta?

Ice Prince: I told y’all this was coming. The gods wanted me to be the King of Rap, which is why they made ice fall from the sky.

Wana: But Ice Prince, how can you be so sure?

Ice Prince: I was at Obanikoro at 8am yesterday, which is why they decided to coronate me.

Wana: Wow.

Ice Prince: Yes. I am now the undisputed king of Nigerian rap. My rap is like pins. If I chook you with it, you will feel it like you’re from Philippines.

Wana: Wow. Wow. Thank you for your expert analysis, Ice Prince.

And there you have it viewers. You have heard the theories from experts on what could have caused the Icy Mystery in Abeokuta. You are now free to make your conclusions on what truly caused this phenomenom.

Until I come your way again, I remain my awesome self, Oluwawana Dangote, for News On The Hour.

*****

That was a stupid post, yeah?

Boredom’s a bitch jor.

Let me tell you the main reason why ice blocks fell in Abeokuta. Because I am in Abeokuta. The weather in Abeokuta was not accustomed to having someone so cool and awesome in it, and thus it rained ice blocks.

I know you don’t believe me.

Fuck you.

The Deadly Sins… Part 7.

Wana: *clears throat*

Good day, my beloved congregation.

Welcome to the last sermon on The Deadly Sins. I hope that I have been able to do a Xavi and pass knowledge onto you, and hope that you’ve been able to do a Messi and receive the pass. I want to thank you all for your offerings in the comment box, and as you know, everyone loves a cheerful giver (Okafor’s rule, 1994). May God bless you all and increase your sperm count and delay your menopause.

*congregation choruses “Amen”*

Today I shall be enlightening your darkened, moin-moinless minds about the seventh and last deadly sin, Wrath.

@Rinolee: I never really liked the guy jor. Na always bullshit im dey yarn.

Wana: Sorry, Amir. What did you say?

@Rinolee: Oga Wana, you put padded bra for ear? I say I no like the guy!

@deaduramilade: But Amir, what guy are you talking about?

@Rinolee: Roth na. Asher Roth. No be who Bros Wana say we dey analyze today?

Ice Prince: This Amir guy go just dey fall hand like say im surname na Folawiyo.

@HomeSchooldNerd: Amir, on a serious note, no 2A, you too dey embarrass us. If you don’t know what we’re talking about, just keep quiet.

@Rinolee: *angrily* Wetin sef? Na only una know book? Una go just dey open mouth dey yab person anyhow. I don vex sef! Fuck y’all! I dey commot!

Wana: Bye-bye, Brother Amir. Please do a Drake and take care.

Ice Prince: But una too dey yab for this place. Na Yaba them born all of una?

Wana: Idiot. On to today’s sermon. Can someone define anger for us?

@rhaiharnah: Wrath, or Anger, is an emotion related to one’s psychological interpretation of having been offended, wronged or denied and a tendency to undo that by retaliation.

Wana: *opens eyes* I’m going to miss these mental orgasms. But given the amount of Amir-like people in the congregation, I’m afraid we’ll need a simpler definition. Anybody?

@tobismyth: Wrath na when person dey Para. When him carry book dey read from first Paragraph, but him no understand the Parameters. Him go come go put earphone for ear dey hear Paramore, car go come jam am for road then him go come go Paradise.

Ice Prince: Pararararara… Porororororo…

Wana: *sigh*

Wrath, as Bukunmi said earlier, is the emotion we have when we feel that we have been offended or have been wrongly treated. It can also result from jealousy and envy. This emotion is sinful and dangerous and can lead to a lot of evil things.

@SlevinCalevra: But Brother Wana, stay calm first. Anger isn’t necessarily a bad emotion or a sin. At times, we need to angry to be do some things which need to be done. You don forget that time wey Bros J para for those niggas wey turn Church to Kantangowa bend-down market? You no remember how e take use Lui Kang push their table commot? Na Para make am do am oh.

Wana: Hmmm… Father Sush just like to dey counter me like say him dey work for bank…

Yes, in that situation, Anger was not a sin. But then, how many of us can channel our anger towards positive things? Don’t forget that Bros J was a special kind of bad guys. You think say na beans to turn water to Grey Goose?

Who can tell us other bad effects of Anger?

@Dhamyhan: Anger can have impacts on the body, increasing heart rate, blood pressure, levels of adrenaline and noradrenaline.

Ice Prince: If you eat food that was cooked with Knorr while wearing Adire, you’ll become lean. Noradrenaline.

Wana: Security, please kindly escort the Patron Saint of Whack Lines out of the premises. Thank you.

One of the main reasons why wrath is such an evil emotion is what happens after you feel the anger. When we feel anger, the next thing we feel is the need or desire to retaliate. To repay he who we feel has done us wrong in his own coin. Let me tell you a story.

In my 2nd year in University, I wrote a test in a course, PHS 201. I was asked a question that went thus: “Discuss the Cell membrane.” For a question that seemed so straight-foward, I drew 2 diagrams and wrote almost 4 pages of “stuff”. At the end of the day, I got 2.5 marks out of 10 in that test.

I felt pained. I felt I had performed so well in that test, I should’ve gotten at least 8marks in that test. I was so angry, the only thought I had in mind was to kidnap the lecturer, ram her vagina with a NEPA pole, set fire to her face, slit her major arteries, mutilate her body, then cook the pieces and give it to beggars.

Now imagine if I had done so. Will I be here right now? I’ll probably will be playing Ludo with Ibori (I’m too tush to be put in a Nigerian prison.)

But thanks to prayer and lots of Moin-Moin, I was able to contain my anger and thus am able to share my infinite wisdom with you all. Remember, if it could work for me, then it can work for you.

Remember God in all you do, eat lots of Moin-Moin, and all will be well with you.

Good-bye, my sheep, and may the Almighty be with you.

*****

Yaaaay!!! I haff finish another series again!!! I’m so good at this shii, I should own channel 110.

See me tooting my horn like my name is Adetutu… It’s not easy

Thanks for reading, y’all. Comment, subscribe and get the fuck out.

Till I send you the link again.

#AlutaContinua.

The Deadly Sins… Part 6.

*coughs* *clears throat*

 

Good day.

 

*waits for response* *raises head* *sees empty seats*

 

Just imagine… There’s nobody here… And I told them there was service today oh… *sigh*

 

*sends new invites to everyone via Instagram for Typewriter*

 

*everybody rushes in immediately*

 

@tobismyth: Wow… Wana… What’s this new app you used to call us? It’s so cool, no Dettol. I really like it. What’s it called?

 

Wana: Instagram.

 

@tobismyth: Instagram?

 

Ice Prince: I poured a gram of milk in stagnant water. Instagram.

 

*congregation looks on with straight face*

 

Wana: That is not why we are here, my children. Good day to you all.

 

*congregation responds*

 

Wana: God bless you all. Opening prayer anybody?

 

@Ogenna_: Thank you God for allowing us to witness another wonder of the world: Uncle Wana’s sermon. May he bless us with knowledge and Moin-Moin, and may we leave here satisfied spiritually, physically and sexually. Amen.

 

Wana: *bows head* Amen.

 

Today, we shall be discussing the sixth deadly sin, Sloth. Can anybody tell us what sloth is? Bukunmi?

 

@Rinolee: Calm down jor! Ahn ahn! Wetin?! Bukunmi, define this. Bukunmi, define that. Na only Bukunmi hear English for all of us wey dey hear? I don vex oh. Me sef wan define today.

 

Wana: Amir, I’m sorry if I made you feel like your skull was filled with Printer Ink. Kindly define Sloth for us.

 

@Rinolee: *shines teeth* Better. Slot is a shop in Computer Village, Ikeja, Lagos, that sells phone, laptops and their accesories. *sits down with the swagger of a Yakuza boss*

 

Wana: *whispers to myself* Printer Ink is even useful sef… I should’ve said saw dust…

 

I’m sorry, Amir. But you’re wrong. Selling mobile phones is not a deadly sin.

 

@Fllinstone: Wana don’t mind the idiot jor. *clears throat* Let me tell you all what Sluts are. A slut is a girl that will spread her hind-limbs to allow snakes to enter her temple, provided she gets something in return. This “something” may range from Pure Water nylons to Blackberry Porsches.

 

Wana: *covers head in shame* And I thought you had more sense… E be like say na red sand dey your own skull.

 

Before I ask Bukunmi to kindly define the term “Sloth” for us, I would like to make a little prayer.

 

Dear Ladies, may God not allow you have sex in exchange for Pure water nylons.

 

*Ladies scream Amen, @TheFakeEsse mumbles incoherently* 

 

Bukunmi, carry on.

 

@Rhaiharnah: Sloth is defined as spiritual or emotional apathy, neglecting what God has spoken, and being physically and emotionally inactive. It can also indicate a wasting due to lack of use, concerning a person, place, thing, skill, or intangible ideal that would require maintenance, refinement, or support to continue to exist.

 

Wana: *moans gently* Hmmm… That mental orgasm was wonderful…

 

For you olodo people that do not understand simple English, I will break it down for you like an enzyme.

 

Sloth, in English wey no use make-up, is Laziness.

 

@Salliness: Hold up, Bros. You’re saying Laziness is a sin?

 

Wana: Yes, my beautiful one. Laziness is indeed a sin. This is because it leads us to commit other sins. Have you not heard the saying that “The idle mind is the devil’s PS3″?

 

@haneeta_: I used to hear that saying a lot when I was hawking groundnuts under Ojuelegba bridge. But tell me, what kinda sins can result from one being lazy?

 

@Cumical: Yo! Wana! I got this one! Selfishness! And being selfish is a sin! When you and that Nigga be having sex, you just lie your lazy ass down and let the nigga do all the thrusting like he’s a director at GTB. That shii ain’t fair yo!

 

Wana: Terdoh, have you been having pathetic intercourse?

 

@Cumical: Pathetic? I laugh in Hebrew.

 

Ice Prince: She plait her hair in Patewo style, but it was too thick. Pathetic.

 

Wana: *sigh* What else can laziness cause?

 

@Sirkastiq: Laziness is why we have so many armed robbers and ritualists today. These people are too lazy to stand up, walk to the nearest bookstore, buy Revision key-points, read, pass JAMB, go to University for 4 years, graduate with a good degree, go for NYSC, start working and earn a good living for themselves…

 

@IamHamzy: Ahn ahn!!! See all the things wey you dey call!!! You wan make person die ni?! I dey go rob jor!

 

Wana: That is not the right mentality, young one. No task is too heavy for you. For it has been said in the holy books, that the Almighty will not a burden on a person, that is heavier than the person can bear. Which is why some of us can face the burden of University, while those of us that don’t have the brain power to do so, are in music studios thinking Juju is worrying them.

 

That was not a Sub. There’s nobody on the bench.

 

Remember, my sheep, that the ultimate way out of every sin is prayer to God Almighty. Pray to Him and Baba will answer you faster than Usain Bolt can run 1 millimeter.

 

And don’t forget to eat Moin-Moin at every meal to ensure your diets are balanced. Be it Beans, Yam or Noodles, make sure you eat it with Moin-Moin.

 

Closing Prayer please?

 

@TheCrankySmurf: Thank you God for blessing my boyfriend with all the wisdom he has shared with us today. May we all be wise, no Dennis, like him one day. Any girl that wants to steal him from me, please make her an Abeokuta girl so she’ll become ugly and he won’t be interested in her.

 

Wana: Amen. 

 

Thank you all for coming here again today, and may your nipples be hard as you return.

 

Goodbye.

 

*****

 

In case you do not know, there’s another Edition of the One Mic Naija coming up on April 29th at GET Arena. Hopefully, I shall be there to sign autographs and share some special Moin-Moin.

 

Just thought you should know.

 

21

I loved her.

Scratch that. I still love her.

But she hurt me. Without even knowing, she smashed my cardiovascular pump into tiny pieces…

*looks at everybody* *wipes tear*

@Cumical: What is all this?

My heart got broken, man. Yes, I made the foolish mistake of falling in love again, and now my life is in pieces. I’m sad and extremely depressed.

*everybody comes forward to hug and console me*

“Awwwwn”…”Sorry, Wana”… “You’ll find someone better”

@Cumical: *holds laughter*

@TheFakeEsse: What is doing this prokaryote?

@Cumical: APRIL FOOL YO!!!! *rolls on the ground laughing*

*holds laugh*

Don’t y’all remember shii? I’m a gangsta!!! We don’t fall in love, and thus can’t get our hearts broken. I’m Marvin like that.

But I’m still sad and depressed. But at least we know a female is not the (major) cause. Thank God for small mercies *bows head in prayer*

I really don’t know why I feel this way, but one thing’s for sure.

I. Love. It.

In case you didn’t know, the perfect excuse for laziness is depression. Walk around with a sulky face all day and even the most wicked boss will let you off the hook easily.

To those who I owe guest-appearances on their blogs, now you know why I haven’t sent you anything till now. And I want to apologize for the delays. I give you my word, that as long as there is Moin-Moin on the face of this Earth (not the other one), be it in this world or in the next, you will get your post. You have my word.

The other world… I wonder if I’ll be able to blog in Heaven… When I post finish, I go just shout, “Angel Micheal!!! Angel Gabriel!!! Angel Fatai!!! New post don dey oh!!! Help me send person go tell them for Hell abeg!!!”

I digress… Back to my depressed mood.

Another good thing about depression is it brings out the inner you. Examples are James Blunt, and more recently, Atoshiba (I’m not really a fan of Dell laptops… Toshiba rocks!)

So… Given my current depressed mood, I’m going get my Adele on. I’m going to grow fat, write a series of extremely sad posts, and win 6 awards at the next Nigerian Blog Awards, including “Blog of the Year”.

I wonder if there’s a category such as “Saddest Post of The Year”…. *scratches head*

Oh well.

Another amazing side to being depressed is the fact that I can make decisions without wondering what other people felt about it. Normally, before I do something, I always think, “What would he say?” “How would she feel?”

But now, whenever people question my decisions, I show them one of my fingers. Not the ring finger. Not the index. Not the pinkie. Not the thumb. #GoFigure.

One of my MDGs (Millennium Depression Goals) was to limit the people I was following on Twitter to just 300 people then protect my account. Thus I had to unfollow/block about 800 people. Amidst my serial blocking spree, one organism walked into my mentions feeling like a JAMB invigilator and started telling me how rude it was to just block people randomly…

Old Wana would have been like: “Awwwn… I’m sorry… ‘Twas a mistake…”

But New Improved Depressed Wana? “*blank stare*… Nigga… *looks at Calender* Is it winter yet? Why do I feel so cold? “

Who knew being mean could be so much fun?

Normally I like to make sure my rants are least 900 words long (nobody likes premature/quick ejaculation… We all want the fun to last as long as possible), but given my sad depressed mood, I really couldn’t care how long this post is. The only thing I care about is who’s representing Nigeria at the Moin-Moin Olympics in June.

I’ve been begging Okonjo-Iweala to pick me to represent Nigeria, but she’s been ignoring me with that her head that looks like an HP printer… Mschew.

Those who asked for guest-posts, please DM/ping me and let me know what you want me to write on. And please let it be something meaningful. If you tell me to write on something stupidly annoying and meaningless like “The Cyclical growth in a Goodwin–Kalecki–Marx model Economy”, I will delete your phone number/BB pin, block you on Twitter, curse you, and ask Yemoja to use you small intestine as gele.

Yes. I think I’ve written enough for a depressed person… Sorry if you did not laugh like a psychopathic dolphin as you usually do when you read my awesomely epic posts.

Hopefully, if NEPA decide to remember that we still exist in my neighbourhood, I’ll charge my phone and get to writing all the posts I owe.

Till then,

HRM OluMoin-Moin of Ijebu Land.

King Wana.

@Kemmiiii: *whispers* Wana… Come back… This is not normal… I know a girl is involved… Who’s the girl that’s making you depressed?

Wana: *sigh* There are two of them. One, an element of nature. The second, a sweet, black, sugary liquid addiction.

DISCLAIMER:

PlaybookUtunu will not be held liable for any catching of feelings due to misinterpretation of subs thrown on this post. If you’re not Tim Tebow or Peyton Manning, don’t try to catch what wasn’t thrown at you.

Thank you for reading.

900 Words

Sup y’all? Missed me much?

*everybody cheers*

Yeah… Missed y’all too.

Okay… No time to add thyme.

I had one of the most twisted minds I know, @Phyrdausi write me a post of 900 words. And she did exactly what I expected. Happy reading.

*****

900 words seem like a lot to write but I am going to try. Even as i type this, I have nothing to write. No topic, no definite thread of thought, nothing.  The mood of this post is blissfully blank. I’m playing Florence + The Machine on my iTunes. Blinding from the Lungs album, maybe my best song from that album; it certainly ‘speaks’ to me. Was watching Boondocks and I paused halfway because I remembered that I ‘promised’ Mayowa a post. I promised ’cause let’s face it, I haven’t written in a while. Leave My Body is on now; I absolutely love this song also. I’m not going to apologise for these little musical digressions, if you love Florence, you’ll understand.

Music has always been my best friend, one of them at least. I experiment with genres, taste mixes and flavours. Fantasize about artistes, groups, bands; envision a future in song writing. The truth is songs give a voice to thoughts I never knew I had, give me that emotional balance I never knew existed. Happiness that I never knew I could have. Music is my companion, what encompasses me as a whole, inanimate love. She tells me the things I want to hear at a particular point in time, God’s personal gift to me.

I listen to Florence and I think of some celestial being. Her lungs, voice and lyrics just surround me. Most times, I don’t understand what she’s saying, but that’s okay because I trust her. She talks about a love that she has lost and I want to feel that with her. I have never loved that way. The heartache of being alone, trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Do you know what it feels to have sleep as your only companion? I watch her live performances and I find myself falling in love with music all over again. Her tambourines add this outstanding effect.

Lana just sounds like she belongs in the 70s. I just started listening to her about two months ago. First thing that came up in my head when I saw her was ‘crackhead’. But she sings of another dimension of love (my thirst for love is appalling). Her voice is kinda like a lullaby. I’m still undecided as to whether I love her, but I definitely like her. She brings out the rebel in you – ‘damn all the rules, I have a boyfriend and he’s the only thing I see. Everything else doesn’t exist’. That gives another meaning to the term ‘my sun and stars’.

Amy Lee is beautiful, dark and purely awesome. Her voice has this rich quality; u can taste the tears in the air. All the pain, despair, sadness, joy, delusions, love, obsession, need for acceptance, madness, annoyance, dissatisfaction all wrapped in this twisted, warped shape. It might be creepy but there’s beauty in everything. She’s that sad little girl still trying to understand this world. She’s been hurt and she wonders why.

This is the point where I’ve run out things to say. *sigh* I’m a person of very few relevant words, like I can ramble on and on about nonsense. This 900 word quota is just annoying. At first, I wanted to just count to 900 and send it but this is my one chance to convince Mayowa that I’m not crazy, weird or its equivalent so… I need 400 more words. *deep breath*

I don’t know how I could have forgotten Sarah McLachlan. I mean, her voice is just so serene, not too tasking to try and imitate. Her songs just encourage me to go on living, not like I’m a suicidal person but you get. It’s my perfect work music. When I’m typing assignments or I just want to sit and bask in nothingness. I feel beautiful when I listen to this woman, I don’t listen to her often and I don’t know why. It’s probably because she’s so good for me and my masochistic side doesn’t believe I deserve anything good. If I just want to cry for no reason at all, she’s my person. She brings out the beauty in tears; no pain, just tears running down as a result of the realisation of the fact that such pure beauty exists in the world after all. She makes me just want to sit and worship God. You might not feel the same but she gives me peace. It pains me cos I only have one album but I’ve listened to it over and over… and over. I always have issues with my friends and my idea of what friendship should be, Fallen is just a song that speaks to me. In short, all the songs I love speak to me. I’m not doing justice to Sarah by just writing this drab, mediocre paragraph. i don’t know how to put it but in a word, she’s awesome. In other words, overwhelming, breath-taking, amazing, splendid, astounding…

There are other people I listen to and I didn’t write this in any preferential order. In order to finish up and meet up with the quota, I thought about giving credit and all BUT I figured I could just do what I do best – ramble (yep, this paragraph is just nonsense, u can stop reading now if you want to).  I should write something about food, that’s another thing that I seem to love a lot. The burst of taste in your mouth and how, miraculously, things become alright again. I mean Esau sold his birthright for a bowl of porridge…pottage (that’s a debate for another day. On that day we shall also treat the soup/stew matter) right? And also how God Almighty Himself endorsed ALL kinds of food (no such thing as clean or unclean food. And my dear vegans, God created animals for us to eat)

I believe for a lengthier post, I should have gone for controversial topics like religion, social-caste systems (under which we have the BlackBerry vs other brands – we all know androids are the shit; and more recently, the fact that Instagram is now on the android platform and iPhone users are beefing – things you can find only on Nigerian Twitter), love or some other ‘beating around the bush’ topic.
Oh! And just so we are clear, I’m a Symbian user… no, not Symbian Anna[belle], just plain Symbian. *whatsapp side eye smiley* (I think they are called emojis sef). And one more thing, my birthday’s coming up and I would like to use this medium to beckon to you all to contribute to the ‘Firdausi Fone Fund’ (I have a little thing for alliteration)
Thank You. God bless

*****

Just so you know, my opinion of you hasn’t changed. You’re still crazy AF.

HEA 303

Just before you start reading, I want you to know that everything written here was written by my co-author Niro, not me.

My mind is not this corrupt.

*****

#NP: Papi – Fine boy drama

*Sigh*

DISCLAIMER
*This post is intended for educational purposes only.
*Before reading make sure the environment is devoid of any form of lubricants, soaps, petroleum jelly etc. PlaybookUtunu won’t be held responsible for a feeling of frustration, so go ahead and give a head
*Whilst every effort has been made to ensure that this post is gbagaun free and all rants are accurate, Playbookutunu won’t be held liable for any error which may occur

**Well that’s not bad for a disclaimer**

Moving on…

Well if you came here hoping to get an anatomy lecture on the part of the body above your head… Well you’re not very wrong *na the same spelling* but we’re actually referring to head when used as a slang *google that*

The issue of sexual satisfaction especially when it comes to giving/receiving head is something that has ended many relationships; even before some of them started… *well, obviously everybody can’t sound philosophical* but before we proceed enjoy a little flashback *insert May D – Sound track*

“Lisa had been my female best friend for over a year and everytime the issue of sex came up, all she did was sigh. Don’t get me wrong here, Lisa was really pretty, the type that you see on the way and lose control; perfect hips, dark skinned, udi hills on her chest and the rest I leave to your imagination. *I wonder how I’ve been able to resist the allure of making out and grabbing those Titi’s namesakes*.

She had a good-looking guy as a boyfriend and he was looked like someone that had A+ in the bedroom, so I was pretty sure she was getting some action *coughs*. So I didn’t see any reason why she would be frustrated or angry at the dude until that faithful Friday night…

Tony had travelled back home to Abuja to visit his parents and as usual Lisa had to hit the club as it was boring at the two bedroom flat she shared with two of her secondary school classmates who had also gone into town to spend the weekend, so the next person she would ask for company had to be yours truly. *not like I couldn’t say no, but the urge to be close to such a beau won’t be rejected even by same sex practitioners*

As soon as my phone rang, and I saw the caller ID I knew my weekend was made, why I felt that way, I didn’t know but then I had to answer nature’s call. So I hurriedly took a shower, grabbed some money and my car keys and in 30 minutes I was in front of her door. I knocked.

As I heard the door latch unlock, my heart raced faster than Michael Schumacher in a Ferrari F1 racecar. In front of me was Lisa clad in only a towel and shower cap, *it was obvious she just came out of the shower cos she still had water on her chest (well, that’s why I saw first *

I took in a deep breath and as I entered the room, the only thing that came to my head were the words of Martin Luther: Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed” and then the voice of reason; Okafor’s law! I can’t remember what happened after that but I know I said something about her oppressive assets and the next thing that followed was, “You’ve decided to be oppressed by them”. That statement sent instant shivers down south and as she stood there combing her hair, it must have been Okafor that was working in me because I didn’t know when I grabbed her boobs from behind *I didn’t want to be oppressed na* and in no time the towel hit the floor and there she was, in all her glory and womanhood clad in just underwear. I didn’t need to google “how to unlock a bra in 6 seconds” cos in the twinkle of an eye her back was on the bed and I became a 5 month old baby, suckling on her boobs like a shell rig drilling for oil in the Niger delta *sigh*

I must have done so good a job on the boobs, because when I felt her hand on my head pushing me down south she was trembling and muttered some sweet nonsense that ended with the title of Vector’s song,”Get down”. It was as if her world was coming to end as I glided my tongue from in between her boobs all the way down to her belly button in a way that made her moan like a drunk that just gulped a chilled bottle of premium lager beer before making my final journey to the heart of south making her body do a full jerk move and a call to worship, “finish it up”.

Like a chairman, I gently parted her legs in opposite direction to give me a clear view of my ‘food’ and fingered the food a little went straight to kissing and licking her thighs before entering the ‘zone’ tongue first sucking and licking her clit from side to side like a windscreen wiper with some additional ‘chewing’ sending her to heaven and back in less than 132 seconds .
I changed to a circular motion, went up and down and finally pressed my whole mouth and ‘ate’ the naughty puss raw before I heard the last of the trilogy… “Come inside”… And in another split second I had condom on and dug in like I had struck oil

*Pause*

So much for a flashback err? And back to our feature story… There’s no definite procedure to follow when giving head, but the following should act as guides when travelling south;

1. Make sure she’s relaxed… You don’t want to enter there when she’s about to pass out urine ¯\(͡๏̯͡๏)/¯

2. This is the only place that slow and steady wins the race, go slow and don’t take her by surprise so you don’t start and she jerks thus leaving off some flesh in your teeth

3. If you have sharp beards, depending on the lady in question, be fully shaved except you have an Osama kind of beard. [*side note* some ladies love the sensation full beards give when the tongue is working out]

4. Talk to her, know what she wants if not you might have urine in your face the next minute ( -̩̩̩͡˛ -̩̩̩͡ )

5. I usually suggest a flat surface, but any position that feels comfortable with both of you is very okay

6. Be an Uche Okafor, gentle giant when you go down there. Take it easy especially at the onset.

7. Watch out for the vaginal opening on the outer lips of the vagina and the hooded clitoris above it. Research has shown that these are the most pleasurable areas to stimulate, and are the key to giving the best head.

8. Running a tongue in and out of the pleasure zone might feel good for a moment but with time you need a more sensual approach to send her from ‘edge’ to 3G *BB users take note*

9. There’s that one called ‘clitoris’, don’t hurry there; its a trap. Its like cooking indomie before removing the sachet; instead work your way to it and create a statement.

10. Leave that magician track by Ice fish, the only way to give a good head is by knowing the spots that rock a babe, every girl is different. *Emphasis on different*

–

You liked what you read? Then…

*SUBSCRIBE TO THIS BLOG BELOW

*ALWAYS USE A CONDOM

*OKAFOR’S LAW IS STILL VALID, GIVE A HEAD TODAY, GET ONE FREE TOMORROW

*FOLLOW ON TWITTER; @DJNIRO_ @OluwaWanaBaba

*strolls out in blue filthy boxers*™

Marvin.

Sup?

Okay I dunno what to write…

*scratches head, stares at keypad*

I can just post an empty something and I’m sure that it will be epic, as usual. Not eCowbell, not eDano, not eLoya, but ePeak.

I’m just Marvin like that.

Yes… Marvin.

@SlevinCalevra: Who TF is Marvin?

*sigh*

A line from Drake’s Headlines goes thus “I tuck my napkin in my shirt ’cause I’m just Marvin like that.” When I asked Drake about it, he said he was referring to R&B legend and multiple Grammy award-winning musician, Marvin Gaye, in whose (who’s? My grammar don dey faulty small small :’( )studio he also recorded hit song Marvin’s Room.

Obviously Marvin Gaye was a bad guy even till death (He was shot to death by his father… Does it get more ePeak than that?). And Aubrey told me, “Look Mayowa, you have to get your Marvin on… That’s the way forward”.

Yes… Me and Drake are on a first-name basis.

I’m just Marvin like that.

It doesn’t even need a genius to tell you that Marvin Gaye was a genius. Everything that starts with the letter “M” is definitely a great something. Think about it.

Mayowa. Moin-Moin. Manchester United. Masturbation. Mallam Spicy.

Yeah… We’re just Marvin like that.

So, what has been happening in your lives? Not that I care, but I don’t really have anything to write.

*sigh*

My boredom is obvious abi? ‘Tis not my fault o. Blame Ogun state, a.k.a Las Oggy. Whenever I think I have reached the cowbell of boredom, I discover new heights of boredom. It is a very sad something. Even Moin-Moin doesn’t seem to help.

And with every passing boring day, I discover something new and annoying about Abeokuta. This time it’s the topography. Abeokuta is an annoyingly rugged and twisted place.

@Rinolee: Topography? Rugged? I don’t understand those words.

@Terdoh: Amir, are you always this dumb? He means if you write “Abeokuta” on the top of a graph sheet, it appears rugged or rough.

@Rinolee: Wow… You’re so brilliant, Terdoh.

@Terdoh: Yeah… I’m just Marvin like that.

Ignore the above conversation. I’ve already sent requests to many Pastors and Imams to come and pray for them.

Back to my boredom, the reason you’re reading this.

I think I need a girlfriend… If I had someone to cook for me and make-out with all day, I probably won’t be this bored. But Abeokuta girls are just not it mehn. As Las Gidi is the City of Hustlers, so is Las Oggy the City of Ogres. Shrek would probably describe them as “utterly hideous”. Imagine someone as utterly hideous as Shrek telling you that you’re utterly hideous… *sigh*

But as the wise ones have proven, if you have Moin-Moin, you can do anything, including changing these girls from “utterly hideous” to “strikingly beautiful”. I could make them all beautiful if I wanted to. But I won’t.

Yeah… I’m just Marvin like that.

Another sad thing about Abeokuta girls is that they are abnormally horny. Abeokuta girls will fuck, kpansh, strafe, bang, copulate, smash, knack, penetrate and ride you till there are no more synonyms for “have sex” in your brain. And since I subscribe to Toxic’s Celibate Till Marriage magazine, I have no use for such hormone-ridden animals.

One up-side to my recent time in Abeokuta is my new friends. I’ve been hanging out with some ajebutter children of recent and it’s been rubbing off on me… My oyinbo accent is now tusher… If you hear me say “Iya Suliah, please bring my N60 beans and N50 dodo before I become angry and slap you to Abule-Egba and back” in my new improved British accent, you would be dazed and amazed.

Yeah. I’m just Marvin like that.

That reminds me…

*brings out crate of hot, egg-filled, richly-spiced, mouth-watering, semi-burnt, leaf-wrapped moin-moin*

We are celebrating today, and thus I have ordered the finest Moin-Moin the world has to offer. Made by 80 year-old grandmothers from Papua New Guinea.

@Kemmiiii: Yaaaaay!!!!! But hold up. What are we celebrating?

Don’t y’all know? Last night Arsenal FC confirmed that they would be going for the 8th straight season without a trophy! Isn’t that just amazing and worthy of celebration?
I actually didn’t watch the match (I don’t watch programs aired on Cartoon Network and Disney Channel), but the ‘noise’ on my TL was amazing. It was like every time Arsenal scored, a girl was giving them head. 3 times she went down on them and made them moan. But just when they needed her to suck one last time and make them cum, she ran away.

Sad shii.

That’s why it pays to be a Manchester United fan. If Man Utd was in such a situation (though impossible), one of us would just have entered the stadium through the DsTV dish and changed the scoreboard to 4-0.

Yeah, we’re just Marvin like that.

850 words… Not bad.

If you notice, when humans like Terdoh and Saka want to end a post, they start going all mushy and saying “Thanks for reading, come back soon”, “C U when I C U”, and all sort of corny stuff.

But when an Immortal like myself wants to end a post, I just end the post.

Yeah, I’m just Marvin like that.

The Deadly Sins… Part 5.

*enters shrine*

Wana: Wow… The dust covering my holy house is enormous… That is not allowed…I have to call service today…

*sends message via calabash to all members*

3 seconds later…

Wana: Settle down please… Hope you haven’t forgotten your sitting arrangements… Babcock and Covenant students, please move to the back of the shrine… Thank you…

@TweetMeistar: But Wana… That’s not fair… It’s not our fault we attend private universities na… After writing JAMB unsuccessfully for seven years, I had to take what I could find…

Wana: I understand your plight, but still move to the back.

Welcome to another opportunity to learn from me, your humble priest. I apologize for the depriving you all of knowledge for so long. I’ve been very busy with some pressing issues, and I don’t have a pressing iron.

*scans crowd*

Well then, since we’re all seated, let’s start off today’s service. Anybody want to give us our opening prayer?

@vIXEnpIXie: Thank you God for allowing us to come together to witness yet another display of knowledge from High Priest Wana. Dear God, please make me a Twitter Celeb, and a Blogsville legend. And bless all the people here so that they can follow me. Amen.

Wana: Oyin… I see what you did there… It’s between me and you…

Today, we shall be discussing the fifth deadly sin, Envy. Bukunmi-tionary, are you ready?

@Rhaiharnah: *clears throat* Envy, also called invidiousness, is best defined as a resentful emotion that occurs when a person lacks another’s perceived superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it.

Wana: Thank you dearie. I think that was simple enough… If you didn’t understand that, then Brother, you have issues.

Envy is what we commonly refer to as jealousy, though they are slightly different. And as we all though, jealousy is a very bad emotion. Who can tell us what leads to envy?

@Terdoh: Comparison. When you begin to compare yourself with other people and begin to notice what they have that you don’t, you tend to become all envious and shii… And this leads to a lot of anger and destructiveness and a whole lot of evil deeds.

Wana: Wow… Terdoh I’m impressed… It’s either your new girlfriend is treating you right or you’re on a steady Moin-Moin diet… Which is it?

@Terdoh: Oh shut up, bitch.

Wana: Hehehehe… I’m still gonna spill… Watch me

The wise ones before me have said that Envy is the most potent cause of unhappiness. The moment you begin to envy someone else’s life and wish you were in their shoes, you have immediately used your happiness to roast plantain, ’cause your soul will be burnt and black and you’ll never feel good about yourself.

@Sirkastiq: But Wana, envy isn’t always a bad thing. A person with the right mind-set can channel the envy in a good way to use it to push himself to attain those heights.

Wana: Wonderful point, Saka. Let me tell you a story.

When I started my blog, I had about 3 subscribers in the early days. Then I stumbled upon Terdoh’s blog and saw that the black idiot had about 80 subscribers. I was jealous as fuck. Then I started my 30-day Challenge and since then I’ve had loads of subscribers. As at now I have 83 WordPress subscribers. Somebody give Moin-Moin a big hand!!!!

*Congregation cheers*

But not everybody has the ability to turn envy into a positive something. Can anyone give examples of what happens when one’s envy gets the better of one?

@0Toxic: Yes. It can lead to stealing. For example when a Unilag girl sees her friends wearing fine jeggings or eating at KFC or using Blackberry Bold 5 and Porsches, she will start devising ways to steal such items or the money need to buy them so she can feel among… Bloody hoes…

*Kemmiiii enters*

@Kemmiiii: Wana, sorry I’m late… I was shopping for some new jeggings… Have I missed much? What’s today’s topic?

Wana: The topic is Envy, and no, you haven’t missed much. *gives @0Toxic side eye*

@OToxic: *heaves sigh of relief*

Wana: Any other examples?

@DJNiro_: Yes. Malignant cases of envy can lead to more dangerous crimes like rape and murder. For example, a man married to a boobless girl might be envious of the man married to Cossy and might rape her so as to enjoy what the man is enjoying, or kill her so that neither of them will have her.

Wana: Brothers in the house, may God not allow us marry boobless women.

*Congregation shouts Amen, @TheFakeEsse sobs*

Don’t cry, Ify… God (and lots of moin-moin) will make you bigger.

So, how can we stop envy in our society?

@SlevinCalevra: Social casting, or sorting. Don’t allow poor people to mix with the rich ones. Don’t allow a Volkswagen Beetle to park near a Maybach. Don’t allow N20 condoms to be sold near $64 condoms. Don’t allow Ajegunle people to attend schools like Lead City University. Don’t allow ordinary men mix with Immortals like myself. Don’t allow whack rappers like Ill-Bliss rap near good lyricists like Vector. If they can’t see the things that would make them envious, there would be no envy.

Father Sush has spoken. You may all sit down now.

Wana: Thank you Larry.

Prayer is, and will always be the number solution to any problem you have. If you can’t be contented with what you have, then work hard. Instead of fantasizing about your neighbour’s big-breasted wife, work hard so you can have enough money for a breast enlargement for your own wife.

I want to thank the Almighty for bringing us to the end of another service and for given me the opportunity to once again, impart knowledge into the empty skulls seated in front of me. May He bless and continue to protect us.

Now all of you, get the fuck out of my shrine. @TheCrankySmurf, wait behind. We have a particular letter of the alphabet to set on the floor.

*****

When I was proof-reading this, this blog decided it would be right to thank all those that have subscribed to it. In a way you’ve been the oil that kept this it’s engine running, and the blog (not me) is entire grateful to y’all.

PlaybookUtunu has shown it’s appreciation. Not Wana.

Why would a gangsta Immortal like me be thankful to mere humans like y’all?

Please. *walks into the sunset* *runs back*… Shii is still hot mehn… *stares blankly at screen*

What are you still reading?

Run away jor!

The One Mic Naija: February Edition.

Sunday, 26th October, 2012. 11:48PM.

The NBA All-star Game is in an hour and 12 minutes, and I’m eager to see how Derrick Rose and King James will embarrass the West.

I might not watch this epic game though. Why? I’ll tell you.

I attended the February Edition of The One Mic Naija, and I’m exhausted AF.

If you’re expecting me to start telling you what the One Mic Naija is, you must be joking. You are obviously stale and have no reason to be alive. You should stab yourself, shoot yourself in the head, die, resurrect, castrate/mutilate your genitals, drown yourself and die again.

That was a joke. Please drop the knives.

I got to the Brown’s Cafe around 4:30pm. I wasn’t “fashionably late” because I was eager to see @Fozadoza… I had missed my baby. Surprisingly, Brown’s Cafe was almost full… Seemed everybody now knew how awesome the One Mic experience is. Kel & Kunle “KB” Bello started the show around 5PM, with my wife displaying her cramming abilities… I was so proud… *wipes tear*

One new thing I noticed about this edition was that the audience were given audio CDs of the rehearsals. It was a very welcome something as most people still want to hear these songs after the One Mic. I would have been happier if they had shared Moin-Moin though #JustSaying.

After the welcome address by the hosts, the One Mic band treated us to some fantastic music… The main drummer was on point like a decimal mayne… He made the drums cry… Impressive shii…

After the interlude came the very first performance of the day, Ilorin’s own Shaydee. I remember seeing Shaydee perform when we were still in Unilorin, but I wasn’t ready for what he did out there. Shaydee killed it. He went in hard like morning wood. As Love was the theme of this month’s One Mic, He performed a love song, Baby, before making me and The Pro-Inc crew shake our bodies with his feel-good hit song, I Want.

At this point I’m going to comment on the sad state of fashion among Nigerian youths. I wanted to take pictures of these people, but was scared that my camera wouldn’t survive the torture. One girl behind me wearing a dirty white blouse that was made out of the cloth material Hausa people used to sieve Kunu, left over 5 of her buttons undone and I could easily see her boobs and smelling red bra (I’m not complaining though ). Foza later confirmed my speculation that she was the infamous Odinabarbie.

Shambalas and Carrot/Mango jeans are obviously in vogue. But y’all don’t have to dress like clowns to look good. Let me use my wife as an example. All Kel wore was a black tee, jeans and a pair of high-heeled shoes, and she looked stunning. Shikena. Even me who didn’t really care how I looked was fresher than Morning Fresh in my Moin-Moin shirt. If you’ll look good, you’ll look good. No need dressing like 6th century Red Indians… The pictures of some of y’all can be used to perform exorcisms… Y’all are that ugly.

And guys, nobody really wants to see your N120 boxers.

*sigh* Moving on.

The hosts made the event crazy, and I feel KB could well make it in stand-up comedy if he wanted. I wanted to even famz and take a picture with him, but then discovered he was an Arsenal fan… What a shame.

A boss like me can never appear in the same picture as an Arsenal fan. No. Just not possible.

Aramide was up next, with her pretty face and hair making her seem like an Ijebu Alicia Keys. She also sang a love song first, then sang a break-up song titled “It’s Over”. If a girl should break up with me singing with that kind of voice, I swear I won’t even feel bad… Wonderful performance too.

This edition of the One Mic Naija was one of the most star-studded yet, with regulars like Tosyn Bucknor (I like seeing her tiny self ) and Slim T present. Newcomers like Banky W, Wizkid, Beazy & Teeto Ceemos were also in attendance.

I want to be a celebrity too. Why? Wizkid stepped on my Toms that I had spent 1 hour 17 minutes 45 seconds cleaning and I was too star-struck to pull him back and bitch-slap the muthafucker… Baba God, you gats make me bigger oh

After Aramide was Yeka. Yeka. Yeka. I can’t stop saying her name… She was smokin’ hot like a Malboro product. And she could sing and dance too… Her ass-twisting would have made Ghaddafi stir in his grave… No offense, Father Sush. She also performed a love song first before making us dance with her jam, Sembelembe. It was a scintillating performance. Banky W even hugged her when she was done… *coughs*

The Open Mic was up next, with lots of people eager to win prizes. Me and Fozadoza wanted to go and dance Azonto in the competition, but @olayiemika was too busy admiring Banky W’s head to even attend to us… Sad life

The contestants included 9-man band Cloud 9 (whose kid drummer brought out Foza’s paedophilic side), Olusesi, Ado Blaze, Big Child, Tunde (whose guitar KB pronounced as “a gira”), comedian Eazy-D, Mayotisha (who was rapping like someone that just drank hot Akamu), Big Ma (who performed Adele’s Someone Like You in a Big way), Olu Legend, Ace (who didn’t know why he was there.) and Kitan who sang a wonderful remix of Skales’s Mukulu.

The Open Mic winner was supposed to be judged immediately after all the contestants had performed, but the next artiste was kinda in a hurry, so they had to postpone the voting until after his performance, and thus GT tha Guitarman took to the floor.

People have always told me GT looked like me (not the other way around) and when he came out to perform, I noticed some similarities in our facial features. He looked exactly the way I would look if I hadn’t seen the wonders of Moin-Moin. Not to say he was looking bad, but I definitely was more handsome…

*sigh* Ariel haff finish… No more washing…

I noticed he had a dimple sha… Me I don’t have and I don’t want… I don’t know why y’all like it when people’s cheeks look like they’ve been shot with a .32 Colt when they smile…

GT tha Guitarman definitely did what he knew how to do best. Make the ladies swoon. As GT kept singing with his melodious voice, the ladies in the building responded to him in style. He also dropped some notes with his guitar… Another dazzling performance.

Up next was unarguably the performance of the night, Hakym the Dream. From the moment Kel & KB announced he was up next, everybody in the audience in anticipation, including our dear Odina who came to sit down in the front beside Foza and I so she could have a taste of the Lamba.

And oh, Haykm did not disappoint.

As he dressed, so he performed. He wore just a waist-coat and jeans, with the greater part of his boxers out for the world to see. The moment he started performing, Odina, determined to give Hakym the grinding of his life, ran haywire and was dancing and shaking her goodies all around Hakym. A lot of girls started dancing too… Foza sef was whining waist in my front… Wetin man go do? I just siddon dey look dey feel alright.

After performing Scooby Doo and Dey There, Hakym then calmed down a bit, and started Lamba with a bang. The performance was electrifying. Everybody was standing and gave him a rapturous ovation as he left the stage.

Rapturous… I wonder where I heard that word… Me sef don dey speak big English

After Hakym’s performance, I met a lot of tweeps who also came for the One Mic, including @EmperorTobby, @Sirkastiq, @0Toxic, @CeceNoStockings and many more which my tired brain cannot remember now…

Just so y’all know, Tokunbo is a bitch.

During this period, the winner of the Open Mic was selected, and Tunde the “Gira” boy was the winner.

And last, but definitely not least, was the headline act, Capital F.E.M.I. I hadn’t seen him before, and was kinda surprised when I saw him. He was fair, short and muscular… Looked like a younger version of Ray Mysterio… The ladies obviously were interested in the muscular part, as screams of “Take off your shirt!!!” came from the crowd. And they all swooned each time he raised his shirt a lil’ bit and showed them those 6-packs… I wasn’t impressed though… My abs are way sexier…

Capital F.E.M.I. didn’t just wow the crowd with his body, as his songs also got the crowd dancing and grooving. Definitely a wonderful way to round up the evening.

This post was too long, so I had too cut out some things. It’s still long abi? Sorry. Well if you want the full, unadulterated gist, come and experience it’s awesomeness yourself on the last Sunday of the month of April, at Brown’s Cafe (this place makes the show even sweeter… It’s the most awesome venue possible.)

Shout-outs to WePlugGoodMusic, Share & M.et.al entertainment groups for doing great on their promises: Bringing great music to the audience and making sure they had a great time.

And thus I end my report. This was brought to you by yours truly, Mr. OluwaMoinMoinBaba, aka Mr. 500-MoinMoin-A-Day, aka Mr. BMF (Blowing-MoinMoin-Fast.).

For photos of the event, check out http://www.tcdconcept.com/photography

Thanks for reading.

Wana.